Dus Complaints!

If you haven’t figured the title out. This is a list of 10 things that piss me off. Sounds simple right? Good, here we go:

1) The joys of social networking websites!

Now listen closely ‘FRIENDS’…. I don’t want to know if you updated your status message to ‘I got a circumcision done’ or if you’ve uploaded a new batch of pictures of your girlfriend with whom who you got back together a week ago, after breaking up the week before that. I don’t give a damn if you made a new video of you singing James Blunt’s new song in a fake falsetto voice which is screechier than a cat in mating season.

And for God’s sake Facebook! Stop telling me that someone clicked ‘Yes’ on a friend of mine on ‘Are you interested?’ and that I don’t have any ‘Yes’s yet!

Thank you!

2) Crappy Bollywood Movies.

I would like to take the time out to address some of our bollywood-wallahs here

a) Dear John Abraham,

To say that Goal was the most pathetic excuse in the name of cinema that I have witnessed in recent times, would be a pathetic excuse in the name of an understatement. The words ‘Awesomely Bad’ scarcely suffice. Just return my 70 bucks and no one gets hurt….capiche?

b)To Kareena Kapoor,

Your eyes… so wide,
Your skin… so white,
Your hair…so frizzy,
I’m going dizzy.

Don’t make more movies,
Kindly Spare me,
‘Khushi’ was bad,
But ‘Jab We Met’,Scares me!

c) To Mr. Sanjay Leela Bhansali,

Saawariya is like painting a white wall black and blue and watching it dry oh-so-slowly while Ranbir Kapoor prances around half naked in front of it every seven minutes or so.

d) Dus Kahaniyan

The thought of watching ten bad movies in one movie scares me almost as much as watching Kareena jig to ‘Yeh Mera Dil’

3) Reality TV

The day someone starts an SMS campaign to get these shows off TV forever and ever I will vote till my thumbs fall off.

P.S. Shekhar Suman…..you can’t sing and please button up. No one wants to see your ‘buff physique’…trust me no one does!

4) People with Loud music phones

The sheer stupidity of such people never fails to amaze me. If they can spend a small fortune buying the shiniest,loudest phone around, why in God’s name can’t they use the FREE (notice the word ‘FREE’) earphones they get with the damn phones?

5) Politically Correctness.

One of the worst things to happen to mankind….I mean humankind…since the giant asteroid killed the Flintstones in about 1000 BC…..I mean B.C.E.

P.S. If you send me orkut messages and e-cards that say ‘Compliments of the Season’….I swear I will send you close-up shots of Himesh rubbing his waxed chest in ‘Aapka Surroor’

6) CallerTunes.

For the last time I don’t want the ten-minute theme song of Dus Kahaniyan to be played to everyone who calls me. I still have a handful of people who love me and I don’t want to drive them away. I have better things to do with my phone credit, like saving it up for the day someone launches an SMS campaign to bump ‘Talent Shows’ from television, remember?

7) Forwarded emails.

If I haven’t said this enough already…..I have absolutely no concern for the rare endangered fluorescent chickens in Mozambique, nor any time to waste on some late millionaire’s daughter in Nigeria who wants my bank details so she can transfer half the cash she inherited to me. I don’t care if Jane the ‘CEO of Yahoo’ or ‘Dianna the big Kahuna of Orkut’ will close my account if I don’t forward her email/scrap to every person I have known since kindergarten.

I won’t believe in these things till an email that threatens to kill my friends if not forwarded gives them a nagging cold at least.

8 ) Pop Comebacks.

Rejoice….Britney Spears is back, so are the Spice Girls and not to mention the Backstreet Boys as well (who suddenly proclaim that they were ‘Never Gone’). Time has certainly not made any of these artists any better, if anything their, ‘struggling to go Gold’ albums are much worse than their multi-platinum disasters from the past. Before Cher decides to get her 37th face lift and relaunch her career, I would like to remind her and all her friends from the era of Jurassic Pop that they’ve overshot their 15 minutes of fame by a good decade.

9) Cricket OVERDOSE.

Now I have no issues with the game. But come on, we have channels dedicated JUST to cricket, at least 3 test series going on at the same time, plus the ICL and soon the IPL and the day is not too far when we have the international gully cricket league. Can’t we have more airtime for Women’s Beach Volleyball….now THAT is a wholesome sport! If you are not big on volleyball, let’s get the girls to play cricket, in their Volleyball outfits. Then we can have 10 day test matches and no man will ever move from the ground!

10) End of season sales.

My female friends think it’s the greatest idea since sliced bread, but to me it’s like buying firecrackers for Holi. Would anyone from the opposite sex explain what exactly is so appealing about these sales?

Is it the 10% discount your 2000/- bucks bill? Is it the serpentine queues outside the changing rooms and the cash counters,?or Does the idea of elbowing fellow women to get first picks from the lingerie tub get your adrenaline pumping?