The Miseducation of Class Xth – F – The Climax!

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The class, which until today, did not even know who Halkat Pinto was stunned into silence. We all hoped it was nothing too serious. Yes, it was all okay, nothing would happen to Halkat, we all convinced ourselves. But the vacant expression on Walker Sir’s face told a different story. Bhupesh couldn’t take the tension anymore and finally broke the silence.

“Tell no Sir! Why he was so much tension mein?” he said looking twice as anxious as he would on the day Jayachandran Ma’am would distribute the Algebra mid-term papers.

“Who was in tension?” said Walker Sir confusedly.

“Halkat Pinto sir!” said Bhupesh slapping his forehead.

“Kidhar hai Halkat?” asked Walker Sir excitedly.

“Arrey Sir the STORY!!” yelled the class.

“Story, of course of course, saans to lene do!” Walker Sir, took a deep breath and continued, “I had never heard Halkat in so much tension. Woh to saala bade se bada lafda kar ke hasta tha! I knew something was wrong, but then I had to remain calm for him. I asked him…Arrey tension nahi le yaar, tell me what happened starting se.”

“Arrey men, what to tell you now. There’s nothing left only to say.” wept Halkat.

“Yaar, you tell me aaram se, we’ll figure something” I told him.

“Okay men, but please haan, don’t let all the other buggers from class know. Bloody my full on kachra will become, men.”

“Tereko bola na. Nothing will go out. You say.” I assured him.

“Arrey so you know na, Julie was home and all last night. Now I swear haan, I didn’t plan for anything and all. It was all her idea. In fact I was fattay scared men. But she said not to worry and all.” Halkat stuttered. “So we were relaxing and all and I put on some musics, you know na all that Lionel Richie and Bryan Adams wala new cassette no. So then she comes next to me and akses.’You are thinking, what I am thinking?”

“Now what I knew what she was thinking and all. But then all these dames no, they get solid angry if you don’t understand them men. So I said, I’m to kabhi se thinking only, you are only not saying anything!”

“Julie just smiled and she’s saying, it’s getting hot and all in here no? And then she winked. So I aksed should I on the fan and she’s laughing and saying, ‘What men everytime joking only?’ I was full on confused but then what the heck, even I laughed. What to do na?”

“Tu saala, you just make all these big big claims. Aur ladki saath mein hain and you don’t know anything!” I teased him, said Walker Sir. “Chal chal go on, fattu saala.”

“Julie was coming all close close and then she put her hand on my shoulder and said, chal go on the fan and off the light and come here.” Halkat nervously continued.
“Utna to you did correctly na!” I asked him.

“Arrey enough haan, I’m serious here and you’re bloody joking! Accha forget, then I went and sat next to Julie, and she put her arms around me and then….”

“TRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINGG” rang the bell with all its ear-splitting might.

“Reeessssasssss!!” yelled all but one of the Shah’s in chorus.

“Arrey saambhdo! Let Sir finiss the story no!” Bhupesh roared. “Kip quiet now, if anyone talking no, I will write your name on the board and show Geometry Madam!” he threatened the class. “Sir you pliss continue” he said flattening his hair once again.

“Haan to I was saying…hmm…haan so Halkat told me that they turned the lights off aur Julie uske paas mein aake baith gayi. I asked him to go on.”

“Arrey, I’m feeling shy and all men.”blushed Halkat.

“Waah, naam tera Halkat, and you are feeling shy? Kya zamana hai!”

“Arrey now how to tell you. Accha you’ve watched that movie Julie o’what?”

“Sir Dimple Kapadia wali ke Neha Dhupia wali?” yelled a wisecrack from the back of the class. Within no time Bhupesh spotted the culprit and wrote his name on the board with 2 Xs next to it. Clearly Bhupesh wasn’t going to let anything come in the way of this story.

“Arrey abhi samajhdar ko hint kaafi hai. Waise Neha Dhupia wali jyada accurate hai.” Walker Sir winked. “Fir I told him, Saale, itna kuch kiya tum logon ne! Waah! Aur bol”

“Arrey, then what else men. We just cuddled and all and went to sleep. Then six o’ clock in the morning na, the doorbell rang and I woke up. Julie wasn’t there next to me, so I thought she must be in the bathroom or something. So I open the door and took the milk ka thayli from the bhaiyya and he’s seeing, “Saab tumhare ko letter aaya hai”

“Abey 6 baje subah letter?” I asked Halkat.

“Yeah men, and what’s more it was smelling of Julie’s perfume and all! So then I slowly opened it and all while searching for Julie but I didn’t find her only.” said Halkat sounding worried as he was earlier.
“One night stand? Bhaag gayi kya? What was in the letter?” I asked him out of shock

“Arrey that’s why I’m screwed na men! I opened it and all and started to read it. And it was Julie ka letter only. And she’s saying, Halkat I’m sorry and all, I should have told you this before only, but I didn’t because then you wouldn’t love me. But I have AIDS” Halkat burst out crying.

The class stared open-mouthed as a visibly emotional Walker Sir wiped a tear away. Bhupesh, now white as a ghost, was also on the verge of tears. Somehow he once again egged Walker Sir on to continue as he had done many times today.
“Fir, Sir…” was all he managed to say before his emotions got the better of him.

“Agle din, Halkat passed away. Bechara kitna young tha!” said a weeping Walker Sir.

Our worst fear being realized we were dumbfounded. We simply couldn’t believe that a night of carelessness could cost Halkat his life and that too the very next day! Suddenly it made sense why our folks never spoke to us about the birds and the bees. Suddenly the stork stories seemed so much better. But someone had to tell us the bitter truth, and that man was Walker Sir, who had now regained his composure.

“Mera dost bechara, he lost his life. But you don’t have to make the same mistake!” he warned us.

“Yes Sir, I also readed something about safe sex in Junior Encyclopedia.” Bhupesh butted in.

“WHAT? Safe Sex? No no no! Don’t listen to that book” thundered Walker Sir. “There’s no such thing as safe sex! If you have sex, YOU WILL DIE! Is that clear?”

“But Sir…”Bhupesh tried to argue.

“Saavdhan! My job was to tell warn you, now you do what suits you best. Remember, SEX WILL KILL YOU!” said Walker Sir as he walked out of class.

The final bell rang soon after, but it wasn’t greeted by the usual sounds of 70-odd boys rejoicing their newly attained freedom. Today we walked out silently, almost as a mark of respect to Halkat.

As we walked out the gate and towards the girls’ school nearby, Bhupesh told me,
“Arrey, that Walker Sir no, he is to bevda. What he is knowing. I am telling no, Junior Encyclopedia is not saying like that.” he boasted.

“So you mean you don’t die if you do it?” I asked out of shock.

“No rey! I am telling you na” Bhupesh tried to convince. But I would have none of it. I politely excused my self and hailed a rickshaw home leaving Bhupesh there all alone.

“And they are calling me a chomu! Hmm what to tell them only.” chuckled Bhupesh to himself. He then proceeded to take his tie off, mess his hair and undo the top two buttons of his shirt. And then Bhupesh took a deep breath…and whistled in front of the Girl’s school.

NOT To be Continued.

The Miseducation of Class Xth-F Part I

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Unlike a vast majority of schools all over India, the all boys school that I attended back when I was young(er) and stupid(er), never shied away from scandalizing it’s confused (pre)pubescent pupils. Back in my school, we didn’t have fancy comic books and slide-shows to explain the birds and bees, we had a man whom I can only refer to as ‘The Unsung Hero of Sex Education in Indian Society’ a.k.a. our PT teacher. Pardon me if that sounded sarcastic but I by no means mean to mock this great man. In fact I’m sure each of the five hundred and fifty kids that passed out from school the same year as I did, owe an unpayable debt to him for imparting invaluable knowledge of the facts of life to us. I mean, how else would we learn that the word ‘period’ meant more than just a lecture? So digressions aside, let me tell you exactly how our beloved PT teacher, whom we lovingly referred to as Mr. Johnny Walker (both for his mannerisms that resembled the yesteryear comedian as well as his beverage of choice) contributed to my life.

As is the case with each childhood experience that scarred me for life, I remember the day as if it were yesterday. I was all of fifteen years of age studying in the tenth standard: a time in my life where girls still had cooties and getting second highest marks in Marathi in a class of 85 was the end of the world. Simple times indeed! Back then, Johnny Walker Sir’s PT periods lectures (which were nothing but a half an hour game of kho-kho once in a month which usually ended abruptly when Walker Sir beat up 2/3rds of the class for talking!) were the only respite from Mrs. Jayachandran Geometry’s never-ending Maths lectures. That day, Walker Sir came to class and informed us that it was too sunny outside to play Kho-Kho, and hence we would once again have an indoor PT class (for my less-informed readers, this meant ten minutes of ‘Breathe in, Breathe out’ after which Johnny Walker Sir would fall asleep wide his mouth wide open leaving the class free to do whatever the heck they wanted. But this Indoor PT class was destined to be unlike others. Oh yes my friends, that day was, as Walker Sir had decided, the day when we would leave our boyhood behind and enter our confused teenage life.

“Saavdhan!”, he barked in his inimitable style. Once he was sufficiently convinced that we were sitting as perpendicular as our spines arched by years of carrying outrageously heavy bags allowed, he continued, “Today I will tell you kids a little story.”

At that point the class let out a chorus sigh. Johnny Walker Sir’s stories, much like most other things he did, digressed to something totally unrelated within a span of five minutes, followed by a nap and mass canings. Sensing that the class was least interested, he uttered a sentence which made sure that the class would pay rapt attention to him for any given length of time regardless of what he said after that.

“It’s a story about sex…education!” he quickly completed before our jaws dropped any further.

Now sex-education to me was like the mythical abominable snow-man. I had heard various fascinating and sometimes terrifying tales about it but never before had I actually been on the receiving end of one. For that reason alone, I like the eighty-four others was in a state of semi-shock cum hypnosis for the rest of that lecture and probably a good part of the following week as well.

“Now the Principal has said that the class is too young for sex-education. But who gives a damn about the Principal, I mean what does he know!” ranted Walker Sir who was of the firm opinion that the Principal, just like 99% of the world had his head up in the nether regions. “Too young he says, haan! Bullshit! I know all of you rascals secretly watch FTV.” he smirked at the red-faced class.

“Tension nahin lene ka…even I watch it.” he winked as the class heaved a sigh of relief and chuckled embarrassedly.

“Next class kaun sa hai?” he asked

“Jayachandran Geometry Madam’s extra Math lecture, Sir” we yelled in chorus again

“Pshaw! What will you children ever gain from this Algebra and Geometry business? Oye monitor, go tell her that I’m taking a surprise PT exam, my story is more important than the value of x + y2 !”

As the class cheered aloud, the monitor gleefully ran with the same gusto as Phidippides did to Marathon. Johnny Walker Sir then rolled up his sleeves and perched himself on the table with 84 curious lads hanging on to every word he said. With Jayachandran Geometry Madam out of the way nothing was going to stop him today!

Bleed India

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In this time of political turmoil, the need of the hour is a new leader, one who will show the way to a whole new generation of Indians. The time is now. Let us not point fingers at one another, let us not point that very finger at ourselves either (no one wants to the responsibility). Let us find the person we can collectively point fingers at and who in turn can conveniently point to others. I hope the point has been made clear through all the pointing mentioned so far.Just like that other lesser known show on TV, we went all across the country in search of the best thing to have happened to Indian politics in recent times. After a long, tedious process, the winner was selected by a very complicated procedure- a SMS poll. Here we bring to you our winner, Mr. PK Kulkarni in his first ever interview to the world right here!

Pazz: Mr.Kulkarni, it’s a pleasure having you here. Thanks for giving us your precious time. I am sure you have a very busy schedule and many media commitments. We are truly honored that you chose this ordinary reporter to conduct your first ever interview.

PK: You mean you are not a popular fellow?

Pazz: Well my blog is featured on the first page of Google if you search my name. That apart I wrote an essay for my college magazine a year and a half ago. It was half a page long!

PK: So if I say something controversial…I mean…important here…will it get publicity?

Pazz: Oh sure it will, the hits on our website will go through the roof, we may get as many as 50 hits. Also my professor told me there was space for a 3/4th page article in this year’s college magazine. You see sir, you are in very safe hands.

PK: Great to hear that. Chalo start the interview.

Pazz: Yes sir! First question. How do you feel after winning the all India politician hunt ‘Bleed India’?

PK: I cannot answer that here, I’m sorry. That question has already been reserved by Aaj Tak. Next please.

Pazz: My kindest apologies, Sir. I have a fantastic original question for you right here (shuffles through sheets). Ahh yes, Sir, what in your opinion gave you the edge over your opponents?

PK: Well you see, firstly, I have exceptional educational qualifications compared to my competitors. Yes, its true, I scored 43% in my SSC, my closest rival got 37% on his second attempt, so that was a clear advantage.

Pazz: Impressive indeed, but we have reason to believe you had political Godfathers who helped you out?

PK: Well it is true that I am the youngest son of the ex-Chief Minister’s wife’s cousin sister’s neighbour’s daughter, but I can assure you that Uncle Ji (as I respectfully call him) gave me nothing but blessings and Rs.101/- cash (taxes deducted of course! You see I am a regular tax payer also).

Pazz: Bravo Sir, great answer. Here is a question from the audience. Shall I proceed with it?

PK: Oh you have an audience, that means publicity..hmm of course…go ahead!

Pazz: Very kind of you, Sir. Mr. Varma from Dadar has just completed his graduation in Commerce and is on the look out for a job. But so far he has had no luck. He wishes to know what you will do to generate employment for the unemployed all across the country, starting with at the micro level of course, Mumbai?

PK: I will take some time to answer this question because I need to explain my theory of why there is unemployment in our city to begin with. You see, Mumbai has lots of jobs already, and new ones are being generated everyday, but something somewhere is going wrong. Our dear brothers from the other states, who are equally capable of course, many a time, take these jobs up before people like Mr. Varma can. I have a brilliant plan in place for this. India as we know is a richly diverse country, so that means there are a lot of other communities apart from the locals like Mr. Varma. My party itself on an average requires about 100 candidates to riot and protest in the streets each time we wish to beat up people from a particular state. Now multiply that by the number of communities and states in India and the figure is….well quite a big number. Now you may ask, what will these youths who have been fighting and beating up their fellow Indians from other states do after all the immigrants are driven away? I have an answer to that as well, we will give them all the jobs left vacant by the ones who moved back to their home states to these very youths.

Pazz: I can’t help but notice that your agenda sounds a lot like your rival parties’, Sir.

PK: What rubbish! My plan is original and unique. Did any of my so called rivals make a provision for a fixed percentage of seats to be reserved for our local youths in every organization?

Pazz: Yes sir ,they did. In fact all of them.

PK: Well that’s where I differ from them. They asked for a 70% reservation, I personally am quite okay with 65%.

Pazz: Brilliant sir! Absolutely revolutionary. But don’t you think it’s a little harsh if your party workers decide to beat up anyone who is not a local. I believe there is a constitutional law against it.

PK: Did I say beat up? Of course not, I didn’t say that. I meant ‘assist to the nearest airport or railway station’.

Pazz: Oh I’m sure we could edit that in. Please continue, Sir.

PK: Yes yes, as I was saying. The social fabric in our nation is in tatters today because of two very important reasons. Firstly, joint families are disintegrating. In our bid to restore the institution of joint families, we plan to send back everyone who comes to city for a job or whatever reason to their hometown. This would also fix the second main reason for social degeneration in our society, ignorance of traditional values. If everyone stays in their own states, they will automatically learn their native culture. Thus we will achieve diversity, unity can always be achieved in the next 5 year plan.

Pazz: A lot of your critics have accused you of being a supporter of moral policing and regionalism. Some even call you an enemy of democracy. What is your answer to these critics?

PK: I will firstly sue each and everyone of these so called critics as soon as I have a political post of any consequence. All I can say to these naysayers is something my teachers in school always told me, “Do your homework well.” They have conveniently ignored the fact that I have been a staunch supporter of democracy. I have exercised my right to vote on every possible occasion and actively encouraged the others to do the same as well. Indian Idol, Sa Re Ga Ma Pa, Voice of India, Jhoom India, Mission Ustaad, Nach Baliye, Jhalak Dikhlaja, K for Kishore and even Bathroom Singer, I voted for the candidates on each of these shows. So you see, I am a champion for the cause of democracy.

Pazz: What will you do for the safety of women in the city? Is there any way to assure that they will not be troubled by perverts and lecherous eve teasers?

PK: Of course, I have already taken steps regarding the same. I have strictly instructed all my party workers that if I get any complaints, they will lose their jobs right there.

Pazz: Amazing, Sir. There seems to be no stone which you have left unturned. Anything revolutionary that you have in mind for the education system?

PK: Why yes! The education business is booming you see. But in my opinion there are more avenues besides MBA, MBBS and Engineering. We must look at other lucrative fields closely. I have already made suggestions to the University to introduce degree courses in numerology, astrology, K-serial script writing and award show management. The courses are expected to be implemented by next year.

Pazz: And what about the touchy issue of sex education in schools, Sir?

PK: I have approached a famous Bollywood director, whom I cannot name right now of course. But I can tell you he has made on the most expensive blue films in the history of Indian cinema. He plans to launch my nephew’s acting career in a movie based on sex education which the state will fund. Please note that this movie will be tax free from the first show itself. We are currently finalizing the cast for the same, as soon as we find the right actor to play the pivotal role of the stork, things will get rolling. Please note that Rakhi Sawant performs a very informative, cultural dance item in this movie.

Pazz: Sir I hate to cut you short, but I think we are going a little beyond 3/4th of a page. I am afraid we have to end this interview right here. But it was a great honor as I said earlier. We wish you the best for your future.

PK: Thank you very much. I pray to God as well, so that he may save you, from me!