Un-Breaking News

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For those of you who wish to pursue a career in serious journalism in India, the time is perfect……to cry tears of blood. The ‘news’ in India as we know has transcended ‘bad to worse’ to a point where we can’t even believe it’s news anymore. Rajdeep Sardesai, one of the few remaining serious journalists in India called this trend ‘Chaddi Banian News’. I personally wouldn’t even be that respectful to them .

If you thought that crass news bulletins were limited to the ‘Breaking News’ sections of Aaj Tak and India TV, you’re obviously way out of the loop, my friend. I shall present my favoritest news stories on TV in recent times for your ‘viewing pleasure’.Like they would say on Aaj Tak….’Coming Up: Breaking News!’ (because apparently breaking news can now be predicted).

(I) – The Tales of the Uddan Tashtaris….or Yoo Eff Oh!

There were times when I was a kid when I would watch documentaries on Discovery and Nat Geo about the alleged UFO crash at Roswell, New Mexico and so called alien sightings all over the world and wonder, ‘How come our extra terrestrial friends never visit Indian skies?’ Somewhere in the early 2000s I believe Rakesh Roshan too saw one of these documentaries (after watching Spielberg’s E.T. Of course) and gifted India it’s very first solar powered midget in a yellow robe – Jadoo. Now bear in mind we live in India, a land where movies are taken very very seriously. In fact my mom tells me about times in her childhood in Borivali where her neighbours would carry Aarti thalis to screenings of ‘Jai Santoshi Maa’ and throw coins at the screen when the aarti song came along. That was in the 70’s, so you know how much more retarded we must have become as a nation with time.

Getting back to the point, there was no way on earth we could believe that Jadoo wasn’t real. There had to be more like him flying about in our skies like low cost airliners these days. Enter Aaj Tak, India TV and other Chaddi-Banianers.

Every ‘unusual’ light in the sky was now an alien ship. Uddan Tashtari, Yoo Eff Oh, Phlying Saucer, Unidentified Idli call it what you may, we saw them all. Cool no? One day Jadoo is definitely coming I tell you (braces solar lamp and waits patiently).

(II) – Of Bad American Accents and Rebirths…

Boy-Dexter RajeshOkay so maybe the unusual idli shaped lights were Diwali lanterns from a distance, but there was no way this next story could be false. A boy named Rajesh Kumar from Bilaspur village in Saharanpur of UP, India. broke his 5 month long silence and started to talk in heavily accented, gibberish-laced English (a language he had apparently never learned) and claimed he was the reincarnation of an Amreekan scientist Wallace Regart who had died long ago in 1966.He also claimed that he had forgotten how to speak Hindi. The Chaddi-Banian Brigade quickly jumped at this unbelievable story and soon our Boy wonder was yapping incoherently one every ‘news channel’. Now considering our Chaddi Banian Brigade can speak ‘phlawless Ingliss’, this kid’s bad call center angrezi was mind blowing. The news channels soon started to appeal to the government to give financial aid to this kid so he could establish a state of the art laboratory and ‘make India proud’. Apparently, he had a mind blowing theory in mind, and half a dozen other great inventions, none of which he mentioned. Super hit no! Soon phone calls started to pour in and the reborn scientist answered a string of ‘Kaisa mehsoos kar rahe ho’s’ in his inimitable style. The process went on till prime time when the channels started to air their updates of ‘reality shows’ and the usual gibberish. Next day, the unthinkable happened. They revealed that the kid was no reincarnated scientist, had no Hindi amnesia, no nothing. He was the son of a ‘mentally-unstable’ man who just watched a couple of Hollywood movies and started to imitate the accents and cooked up this story. Liar! Chor! Hypocrite! How dare he mess with our gullible minds?, the news channels cried. Next week, they brought in an ‘expert doctor’ who said that the child was indeed a reincarnation of the scientist, but by that time a new Rakhi Sawant news story was available. And that is how India lost one of her most promising young scientists.

(III) – Breaking News : Starring Britney Behenji.

Aaj Tak as they claim, are Sabse Tez (The Fastest). In fact they are so fast that the headlines have a hard time catching up with them. But they keep their foot firmly on the pedal and keep going more and more tez. Apparently, one 24 hr news channel was not enough to house their continuously breaking news. Hence they launched a channel strictly for Breaking News called….you guessed it, TEZ! Cool no?

Somewhere far away in Amreeka land, Britney Spears was providing filler stories for our American Chaddi Banian counterparts. About 2 months after her divorce, head shaving and subsequent depression, the ‘breaking news’ hit Tez squarely on the face. Suddenly two month old baasi news was Breaking News. Hence it became imperative to run an hour long background on ‘Brit-Nay’, explaining to the junta how she rose to fame, with her ‘kaatil adaas’, her ‘latke jhatke’ and ‘awesome gaayaki (singing)’ at the baali umar of 16. They even aired rushes from her hits like ‘Baybee Van More Time‘ and ‘Upps I Deed it Agenn’. Then came pyaar and takraar and phinally depression. Brit-nay went over the edge and shaved off her ‘zulfein’. Then she put on a lot of weight (they showed her MTV VMA performance to prove the same) and somewhere into the 3rd hour it was announced that Brit-Nay’s career was in jeopardy. But she rose from the ashes with ‘Gee-Mee Mor‘, for which they undoubtedly ran the video as well, complete with captions like ‘Fir se aayi saxy adaayen!’, ‘Waah Britney, Tumhara Jawaab Nahi!‘, et cetera et cetera).

You may wonder why I just wasted your time running this story which was already baasi. Well I guess all I can say to that is ‘Upps I deed eet agenn’ muhahaha.

 

(IV) – Khali-Bali.

No no no, I’m not talking about our favorite Qawali with the same name. I’m talking about the bestest thing to happen to Indian ‘sports’: The Great Khali! In a time where Harbhajan’s monkey business and Sania’s skirts aren’t enough to grab eye-balls, Indian sports needed a saviour – a 7 foot 2 inch savior. For those of you who actually have got your hopes up right now, deflate them NOW. Khali is no phast bowler to rival Brett Lee, nor is he the next Leander Paes or Bhaichung Bhutia. He is a…..wrestler! Not the ones who do Freestyle and Greco-Roman at the Olumpiks, but the Shawn Michaels, Hulk Hogan types that all of us had posters, stickers and trading cards of when we were children. He is a wrestler from the WWE; the show we now watch for the Bikini Contests and the WWE Divas (while silently reassuring ourselves that The Undertaker really rose from the dead and what not).

On days when we sucked at cricket, the news channels ran footage of our ‘Mahabali from Punjab’ bashing goras half his size, flaunting his championship belt, and even ran a story of his vertically challenged look alike wrestling partner Chotta Khali. They even called him up and interviewed him and started SMS campaigns to cheer him before big fights. The frenzy reached a height today. WWE has an upcoming pay-per-view event called Armageddon, where The Great Khali has to face 5 other ‘pehelwaans’. So the news channels have been interviewing the great man himself for the last week as he complains about lack of sleep and constipation due to nervousness and asks people to pray for his ‘victory’.

We Indians as usual complied to the great man’s requests and hence today, there have been Maha-Yagnas and Havans all over India to pray for Khali’s victory over the other pehelwaans.

Here’s wishing Besht of Luck to him! Chak De Khali….our pseudo sportstar!

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Bleed India

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In this time of political turmoil, the need of the hour is a new leader, one who will show the way to a whole new generation of Indians. The time is now. Let us not point fingers at one another, let us not point that very finger at ourselves either (no one wants to the responsibility). Let us find the person we can collectively point fingers at and who in turn can conveniently point to others. I hope the point has been made clear through all the pointing mentioned so far.Just like that other lesser known show on TV, we went all across the country in search of the best thing to have happened to Indian politics in recent times. After a long, tedious process, the winner was selected by a very complicated procedure- a SMS poll. Here we bring to you our winner, Mr. PK Kulkarni in his first ever interview to the world right here!

Pazz: Mr.Kulkarni, it’s a pleasure having you here. Thanks for giving us your precious time. I am sure you have a very busy schedule and many media commitments. We are truly honored that you chose this ordinary reporter to conduct your first ever interview.

PK: You mean you are not a popular fellow?

Pazz: Well my blog is featured on the first page of Google if you search my name. That apart I wrote an essay for my college magazine a year and a half ago. It was half a page long!

PK: So if I say something controversial…I mean…important here…will it get publicity?

Pazz: Oh sure it will, the hits on our website will go through the roof, we may get as many as 50 hits. Also my professor told me there was space for a 3/4th page article in this year’s college magazine. You see sir, you are in very safe hands.

PK: Great to hear that. Chalo start the interview.

Pazz: Yes sir! First question. How do you feel after winning the all India politician hunt ‘Bleed India’?

PK: I cannot answer that here, I’m sorry. That question has already been reserved by Aaj Tak. Next please.

Pazz: My kindest apologies, Sir. I have a fantastic original question for you right here (shuffles through sheets). Ahh yes, Sir, what in your opinion gave you the edge over your opponents?

PK: Well you see, firstly, I have exceptional educational qualifications compared to my competitors. Yes, its true, I scored 43% in my SSC, my closest rival got 37% on his second attempt, so that was a clear advantage.

Pazz: Impressive indeed, but we have reason to believe you had political Godfathers who helped you out?

PK: Well it is true that I am the youngest son of the ex-Chief Minister’s wife’s cousin sister’s neighbour’s daughter, but I can assure you that Uncle Ji (as I respectfully call him) gave me nothing but blessings and Rs.101/- cash (taxes deducted of course! You see I am a regular tax payer also).

Pazz: Bravo Sir, great answer. Here is a question from the audience. Shall I proceed with it?

PK: Oh you have an audience, that means publicity..hmm of course…go ahead!

Pazz: Very kind of you, Sir. Mr. Varma from Dadar has just completed his graduation in Commerce and is on the look out for a job. But so far he has had no luck. He wishes to know what you will do to generate employment for the unemployed all across the country, starting with at the micro level of course, Mumbai?

PK: I will take some time to answer this question because I need to explain my theory of why there is unemployment in our city to begin with. You see, Mumbai has lots of jobs already, and new ones are being generated everyday, but something somewhere is going wrong. Our dear brothers from the other states, who are equally capable of course, many a time, take these jobs up before people like Mr. Varma can. I have a brilliant plan in place for this. India as we know is a richly diverse country, so that means there are a lot of other communities apart from the locals like Mr. Varma. My party itself on an average requires about 100 candidates to riot and protest in the streets each time we wish to beat up people from a particular state. Now multiply that by the number of communities and states in India and the figure is….well quite a big number. Now you may ask, what will these youths who have been fighting and beating up their fellow Indians from other states do after all the immigrants are driven away? I have an answer to that as well, we will give them all the jobs left vacant by the ones who moved back to their home states to these very youths.

Pazz: I can’t help but notice that your agenda sounds a lot like your rival parties’, Sir.

PK: What rubbish! My plan is original and unique. Did any of my so called rivals make a provision for a fixed percentage of seats to be reserved for our local youths in every organization?

Pazz: Yes sir ,they did. In fact all of them.

PK: Well that’s where I differ from them. They asked for a 70% reservation, I personally am quite okay with 65%.

Pazz: Brilliant sir! Absolutely revolutionary. But don’t you think it’s a little harsh if your party workers decide to beat up anyone who is not a local. I believe there is a constitutional law against it.

PK: Did I say beat up? Of course not, I didn’t say that. I meant ‘assist to the nearest airport or railway station’.

Pazz: Oh I’m sure we could edit that in. Please continue, Sir.

PK: Yes yes, as I was saying. The social fabric in our nation is in tatters today because of two very important reasons. Firstly, joint families are disintegrating. In our bid to restore the institution of joint families, we plan to send back everyone who comes to city for a job or whatever reason to their hometown. This would also fix the second main reason for social degeneration in our society, ignorance of traditional values. If everyone stays in their own states, they will automatically learn their native culture. Thus we will achieve diversity, unity can always be achieved in the next 5 year plan.

Pazz: A lot of your critics have accused you of being a supporter of moral policing and regionalism. Some even call you an enemy of democracy. What is your answer to these critics?

PK: I will firstly sue each and everyone of these so called critics as soon as I have a political post of any consequence. All I can say to these naysayers is something my teachers in school always told me, “Do your homework well.” They have conveniently ignored the fact that I have been a staunch supporter of democracy. I have exercised my right to vote on every possible occasion and actively encouraged the others to do the same as well. Indian Idol, Sa Re Ga Ma Pa, Voice of India, Jhoom India, Mission Ustaad, Nach Baliye, Jhalak Dikhlaja, K for Kishore and even Bathroom Singer, I voted for the candidates on each of these shows. So you see, I am a champion for the cause of democracy.

Pazz: What will you do for the safety of women in the city? Is there any way to assure that they will not be troubled by perverts and lecherous eve teasers?

PK: Of course, I have already taken steps regarding the same. I have strictly instructed all my party workers that if I get any complaints, they will lose their jobs right there.

Pazz: Amazing, Sir. There seems to be no stone which you have left unturned. Anything revolutionary that you have in mind for the education system?

PK: Why yes! The education business is booming you see. But in my opinion there are more avenues besides MBA, MBBS and Engineering. We must look at other lucrative fields closely. I have already made suggestions to the University to introduce degree courses in numerology, astrology, K-serial script writing and award show management. The courses are expected to be implemented by next year.

Pazz: And what about the touchy issue of sex education in schools, Sir?

PK: I have approached a famous Bollywood director, whom I cannot name right now of course. But I can tell you he has made on the most expensive blue films in the history of Indian cinema. He plans to launch my nephew’s acting career in a movie based on sex education which the state will fund. Please note that this movie will be tax free from the first show itself. We are currently finalizing the cast for the same, as soon as we find the right actor to play the pivotal role of the stork, things will get rolling. Please note that Rakhi Sawant performs a very informative, cultural dance item in this movie.

Pazz: Sir I hate to cut you short, but I think we are going a little beyond 3/4th of a page. I am afraid we have to end this interview right here. But it was a great honor as I said earlier. We wish you the best for your future.

PK: Thank you very much. I pray to God as well, so that he may save you, from me!