An Open Apology Letter from Ramu…

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My Dear Fellow Citizens,

I know that an apology has been due from my side ever since Ram Bhopal Burma Ki Aag. Mummy-Promise, I had all intentions to write an apology letter but khallas…I mean alas, I never got the time to do so because of the busy shooting schedule of RBB ki Aag – The Sequel (Coming to a theater near you in Dec.2009). Before you get me wrong again, I am not here to promote my movie, I am here for something almost as important, I’m here to apologize for tagging along with our CM Alasrao Deshmukh to the Taj and the Oberoi.

Now doubt me if you may, but I am not writing this under pressure from anybody. It’s something I felt I needed to do as a responsible human being who is answerable to his own conscience. That, as far as I’m concerned is the Satya! None the less, I still need to answer all of you as well. I’m sure all of you must be wondering why the hell was I there at Terror Tour of the Taj and the Oberoi, which, quite frankly, was none of my business.

Well, let me tell you how it all began. A couple of days ago, I received a call on my cellphone. After quickly ensuring that it wasn’t a distributor calling to ask for his money or one of the usual wise-asses who keep hurling abuses at me ever since Aag came out (Yes I have list of your numbers you bastards!), I picked the call up. The nice, friendly, sweet talking girl on the other end asked me “Sarkar ke ban ne mein aap involved the?“. I immediately replied “Of course of course, I was the mind behind Sarkar! Not once, but twice, and if I get support again, I’ll make it once more.” The girl seemed to be pretty happy when she heard this and told me that she would like to meet at the Taj. Now usually, I don’t entertain requests like these, but these days I’m on a creative hiatus (read ‘jobless’), you can say its some well-earned time off for myself (read ‘totally jobless’), also I haven’t had the time to go to the Taj in a while you know (read ‘broke’). So I agreed to meet the girl.

Only when I reached there did I realize that she was not a female fan who had invited me for a date. She in fact was the CM’s Head PR person. Apparently, the CM told her, “Jisne bhi Sarkar banane mein help kiya, usko Taj bulao!”, and she thought he was referring to my movie, Sarkar. Poor girl, I won’t blame her. That was a very hit movie after all!

So you see it was all just a delightful misunderstanding! Now I know what you’re thinking, “Why didn’t Ramuji know about the terror attacks in Mumbai?” Well, folks, do you really think I’ve read the papers, or watched TV or even made any contact with the outer world after my last two movies? I know, all of this could have been avoided with a bit of common sense on my part, but hey, I’m the guy who has made movies like Darna Mana Hai, Naach and Darling! I mean seriously, do you still think I have any sense left in my head?

I guess I have to just admit it now. There’s no where I can Rann! So here goes, *ahem * Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry, I totally Phoonked up! I mean I don’t know what else to say here, I’m like totally Nishabd! Just yesterday, everything was Mast, but all thanks to one silly little mistake, the people are hunting me down as if its a Jungle out there. But as Kaun, I mean Akon sang, “You Can Put The Blame on Me”. Sorry once again folks, I’ll try and be more cautious about the Company I keep next time.

Yours Apologetically,

Ram Bhopal Burma.

P.S. Sorry for shamelessly inserting all my movie-titles in this letter. It’s a part of my Contract! There, that’s all of them!

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The Great Indian Democrazy.

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Disclaimer: The above interview was a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any politicians dead/ alive are purely co-incidental. Even if not, we don’t claim responsibility.

In November 2008, Americans voted in record numbers in a landmark election which gave America it’s first African-American President, Barack Obama. With his message of ‘Change’, the young Obama has managed to unite a divided America. Closer home though, we didn’t really have a leader to match Obama, until recently that is. Last year, a young, fiery politician, won the TV reality show Bleed India and since then has taken the politics in India by storm. I present to you ladies and gentlemen, the chairman of the SMS (Super Maniacs Sena), Mr. PK Kulkarni. Here are some excerpts from a free-wheeling JAM interview that covered everything from his views on President-elect Obama, to his plans for the forthcoming elections.

JAM: Both you and Barack Obama have risen meteorically in politics. Do you think it’s fair to say that the two of you are similar politicians?

PK: Of course of course, I totally agree that Barack and I are very much like each other. In fact, I can name so many similarities between us right now: He is the first Black President in the history of America. I am the first leader in the history of India who blackens the faces of other leaders! He supports the minorities in America, my supporters are a minority in India. He is in favour of change, my party workers will kill for loose change. Arrey, in fact, our slogans are similar too! He says ‘Yes, We Can!’, my party says “No, You Cannot!”

JAM: Your party has been at the receiving end of a lot of flak because you said that non-natives should leave Maharashtra and go back to their home states. Are you really against all immigrants?

PK: This is entirely false, I have always welcomed immigrants to the state. In fact, I’ve always maintained that people from all over India can come to Maharashtra and stay as long as they want…provided they leave the next month.

JAM: The Supreme Court has recently said that Maharashtra is becoming increasingly unsafe for Non-natives because of your party. What are your comments?

PK: Once again, these allegations are absolutely false. My party does not believe in discrimination against anyone. Yes, I admit Maharashtra is unsafe, but then it is unsafe for everyone no? Tomorrow if the Supreme Court orders that I should be arrested again, my party workers will attack everyone: native or non-native.

JAM: As a matter of fact my next question, was about your arrest. When the Police took you into custody last time, your supporters went on a rampage, destroying several PEST buses and auto rickshaws in protest. Isn’t this ‘Jungle-Raj’? (no pun intended)

PK: No no, you are unnecessarily tying up two unrelated issues. The destroying of those buses and rickshaws had nothing to do with my arrest. If you remember, my party had given an ultimatum to PEST and the Rickshaw Union to replace their old vehicles with a new fleet as a part of the MM-Mar-Diya Infrastructure Development Project which expired on that same day. As both PEST and the Rickshaw Union failed to replace their vehicles with new ones, we destroyed their old ones. So you see, we were doing a great service to the citizens!

JAM: Recently, an angry young man hijacked a PEST bus and even threatened to kill you. Is this a matter of concern for you now that the Police has lowered your security to B-Grade?

PK: (Laughs) Arrey these people are amateurs. Everyone knows that you hijack planes and destroy buses and not the other way around! As far as my security goes, my party workers are enough, I don’t need the Police. As you have seen before, they can destroy a bus (hijackers included) before you can even say, “Cha Mailaa!”

JAM: On a lighter note, rumor has it that you were asked to participate in the TV-reality show Bigg Dogg. Considering that you’ve already won a reality show, why didn’t you participate in Bigg Dogg?

PK: Let me tell you the inside story on this Bigg Dogg fellow. Three years ago, he came from another state for the Railway exams and was hired as a Railway Announcer. Back then he had no issues making announcements in Marathi, Hindi and English, but now since he has a high paying job, he makes announcements only in Hindi. I refuse to take orders from a Railway Announcer, especially if does not speak the state language! And who is he to tell me what to do and what not to do? That coward doesn’t even show his face!

JAM: Thank you so much for your time, Sir. All the best for the upcoming elections.

PK: Thank you very much…wait what did you say your name was? Paras SHARMA? Cha Mailaa, that is a North Indian surname!

JAM: Er…something wrong Sir?

PK: No no, nothing, just turn the camera off, my party workers just want to have ‘a brief talk with you’. Thank you for coming.

P.S. No Animals were harmed in the making of this interview, not even this writer. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go get my stitches removed.

– Paras Sharma. With Camera-person Satish S.

The Miseducation of Class Xth – F – The Climax!

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The class, which until today, did not even know who Halkat Pinto was stunned into silence. We all hoped it was nothing too serious. Yes, it was all okay, nothing would happen to Halkat, we all convinced ourselves. But the vacant expression on Walker Sir’s face told a different story. Bhupesh couldn’t take the tension anymore and finally broke the silence.

“Tell no Sir! Why he was so much tension mein?” he said looking twice as anxious as he would on the day Jayachandran Ma’am would distribute the Algebra mid-term papers.

“Who was in tension?” said Walker Sir confusedly.

“Halkat Pinto sir!” said Bhupesh slapping his forehead.

“Kidhar hai Halkat?” asked Walker Sir excitedly.

“Arrey Sir the STORY!!” yelled the class.

“Story, of course of course, saans to lene do!” Walker Sir, took a deep breath and continued, “I had never heard Halkat in so much tension. Woh to saala bade se bada lafda kar ke hasta tha! I knew something was wrong, but then I had to remain calm for him. I asked him…Arrey tension nahi le yaar, tell me what happened starting se.”

“Arrey men, what to tell you now. There’s nothing left only to say.” wept Halkat.

“Yaar, you tell me aaram se, we’ll figure something” I told him.

“Okay men, but please haan, don’t let all the other buggers from class know. Bloody my full on kachra will become, men.”

“Tereko bola na. Nothing will go out. You say.” I assured him.

“Arrey so you know na, Julie was home and all last night. Now I swear haan, I didn’t plan for anything and all. It was all her idea. In fact I was fattay scared men. But she said not to worry and all.” Halkat stuttered. “So we were relaxing and all and I put on some musics, you know na all that Lionel Richie and Bryan Adams wala new cassette no. So then she comes next to me and akses.’You are thinking, what I am thinking?”

“Now what I knew what she was thinking and all. But then all these dames no, they get solid angry if you don’t understand them men. So I said, I’m to kabhi se thinking only, you are only not saying anything!”

“Julie just smiled and she’s saying, it’s getting hot and all in here no? And then she winked. So I aksed should I on the fan and she’s laughing and saying, ‘What men everytime joking only?’ I was full on confused but then what the heck, even I laughed. What to do na?”

“Tu saala, you just make all these big big claims. Aur ladki saath mein hain and you don’t know anything!” I teased him, said Walker Sir. “Chal chal go on, fattu saala.”

“Julie was coming all close close and then she put her hand on my shoulder and said, chal go on the fan and off the light and come here.” Halkat nervously continued.
“Utna to you did correctly na!” I asked him.

“Arrey enough haan, I’m serious here and you’re bloody joking! Accha forget, then I went and sat next to Julie, and she put her arms around me and then….”

“TRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINGG” rang the bell with all its ear-splitting might.

“Reeessssasssss!!” yelled all but one of the Shah’s in chorus.

“Arrey saambhdo! Let Sir finiss the story no!” Bhupesh roared. “Kip quiet now, if anyone talking no, I will write your name on the board and show Geometry Madam!” he threatened the class. “Sir you pliss continue” he said flattening his hair once again.

“Haan to I was saying…hmm…haan so Halkat told me that they turned the lights off aur Julie uske paas mein aake baith gayi. I asked him to go on.”

“Arrey, I’m feeling shy and all men.”blushed Halkat.

“Waah, naam tera Halkat, and you are feeling shy? Kya zamana hai!”

“Arrey now how to tell you. Accha you’ve watched that movie Julie o’what?”

“Sir Dimple Kapadia wali ke Neha Dhupia wali?” yelled a wisecrack from the back of the class. Within no time Bhupesh spotted the culprit and wrote his name on the board with 2 Xs next to it. Clearly Bhupesh wasn’t going to let anything come in the way of this story.

“Arrey abhi samajhdar ko hint kaafi hai. Waise Neha Dhupia wali jyada accurate hai.” Walker Sir winked. “Fir I told him, Saale, itna kuch kiya tum logon ne! Waah! Aur bol”

“Arrey, then what else men. We just cuddled and all and went to sleep. Then six o’ clock in the morning na, the doorbell rang and I woke up. Julie wasn’t there next to me, so I thought she must be in the bathroom or something. So I open the door and took the milk ka thayli from the bhaiyya and he’s seeing, “Saab tumhare ko letter aaya hai”

“Abey 6 baje subah letter?” I asked Halkat.

“Yeah men, and what’s more it was smelling of Julie’s perfume and all! So then I slowly opened it and all while searching for Julie but I didn’t find her only.” said Halkat sounding worried as he was earlier.
“One night stand? Bhaag gayi kya? What was in the letter?” I asked him out of shock

“Arrey that’s why I’m screwed na men! I opened it and all and started to read it. And it was Julie ka letter only. And she’s saying, Halkat I’m sorry and all, I should have told you this before only, but I didn’t because then you wouldn’t love me. But I have AIDS” Halkat burst out crying.

The class stared open-mouthed as a visibly emotional Walker Sir wiped a tear away. Bhupesh, now white as a ghost, was also on the verge of tears. Somehow he once again egged Walker Sir on to continue as he had done many times today.
“Fir, Sir…” was all he managed to say before his emotions got the better of him.

“Agle din, Halkat passed away. Bechara kitna young tha!” said a weeping Walker Sir.

Our worst fear being realized we were dumbfounded. We simply couldn’t believe that a night of carelessness could cost Halkat his life and that too the very next day! Suddenly it made sense why our folks never spoke to us about the birds and the bees. Suddenly the stork stories seemed so much better. But someone had to tell us the bitter truth, and that man was Walker Sir, who had now regained his composure.

“Mera dost bechara, he lost his life. But you don’t have to make the same mistake!” he warned us.

“Yes Sir, I also readed something about safe sex in Junior Encyclopedia.” Bhupesh butted in.

“WHAT? Safe Sex? No no no! Don’t listen to that book” thundered Walker Sir. “There’s no such thing as safe sex! If you have sex, YOU WILL DIE! Is that clear?”

“But Sir…”Bhupesh tried to argue.

“Saavdhan! My job was to tell warn you, now you do what suits you best. Remember, SEX WILL KILL YOU!” said Walker Sir as he walked out of class.

The final bell rang soon after, but it wasn’t greeted by the usual sounds of 70-odd boys rejoicing their newly attained freedom. Today we walked out silently, almost as a mark of respect to Halkat.

As we walked out the gate and towards the girls’ school nearby, Bhupesh told me,
“Arrey, that Walker Sir no, he is to bevda. What he is knowing. I am telling no, Junior Encyclopedia is not saying like that.” he boasted.

“So you mean you don’t die if you do it?” I asked out of shock.

“No rey! I am telling you na” Bhupesh tried to convince. But I would have none of it. I politely excused my self and hailed a rickshaw home leaving Bhupesh there all alone.

“And they are calling me a chomu! Hmm what to tell them only.” chuckled Bhupesh to himself. He then proceeded to take his tie off, mess his hair and undo the top two buttons of his shirt. And then Bhupesh took a deep breath…and whistled in front of the Girl’s school.

NOT To be Continued.

Desi Superman!

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Now you all know that I always appreciate a good Superhero movie. >>Click here<< for proof. But I’ve felt sad at the way Bollywood never produced a great Super Hero movie. Turns out I was wrong. We have already done that! No No I don’t mean Krrissh or Drona, I mean Govinda and Kimi Katkar as Superman and Spiderwoman!

Don’t believe me kya? Here have a look for yourselves!

Warning: The following song is extremely catchy :p

The Miseducation of Class Xth F – Part II

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For Part One Click Here

Unsure and impatient the whole class was itching to hear Walker Sir’s story. Questions flew thick and fast in our minds : Was it a real story? Would there be an actual kiss? And if there was would he really tell all? Whatever the case, we would know soon enough…but only after Bhupesh Shah, the third monitor of the class returned from the staff room Bhupesh, one of the thirty seven Shah’s in our class was in fact the perfect guy for the job. Considering that he was Jayachandran Geometry Madam’s favourite student it was highly unlikely that he wouldn’t be able to convince her not to come to class.

Gasping for air, he straightened his tie and flattened his heavily oiled hair, while scanning the staff room for Jayachandran Geometry Ma’am. At first there was no sign of her but soon enough Bhupesh spotted the diminutive teacher almost fully hidden behind a pile of uncorrected notebooks. Bhupesh gathered his courage and walked towards her as she furiously made huge red crosses on every page of a notebook, before finally slamming it shut.

“Eh..excuse Mees” Bhupesh stuttered as she absent-absentmindedly looked up.

“Not now I’m busy!” she said barely making eye-contact. Determined not to give up, Bhupesh decided to get straight to the point.

“Mees, you can’t take extra class today.” he announced.

“What naansense!” thundered Jayachandran Ma’am.

“Yes Mees, that Walker Sir is there no, he is only saying this way.” explained a harried Bhupesh. “He is telling me to telling you that today he is taking surprise PT exam Mees.”

“PT is yoosless! Whaat you will learn from Left-Right-Left? You go back and tell him that Jayachandran Madam said that Maths is more important!”she ordered.

“But Mees he is saying….” Bhupesh tried to argue

“Shameless! Back-answering to your teachers! Is this what Mummy-Daddy taught you?” she slapped him.

“Sorry Mees” said Bhupesh with a lone tear running down his cheek. Seeing her pet weep melted Jayachandran Madam’s heart usual. She finally gave in.

“Okay okay, now don’t cry. Fine you go tell Walker Sir that he can take class today, but no PT period for the next two weeks! I have to finish Trigonometry Group D after all!”

“Yes yes, thenk you mees. I will telling!” said Bhupesh gleefully wiping his tears away. He then turned and ran back to class twice as fast as before with an ear-to-ear grin pasted on his face. In no time he reached class door and outstretched an arm.

“Pliss may I come in Sir.” he said.

“Huh…where did you come from? You were bunking? Shameless!” Walker Sir grumbled, having obviously forgotten that he himself had sent Bhupesh to the staff room.

“No no Sir, you are only sending me remember?” reminded Bhupesh.

“Uh…of course I remember? Tumko kya lagta hai, Walker Sir tight hai?” chuckled a very drunk Walker sir. “Chal come in and sit down. Haan to you know what, I was thinking that I will tell all of you a story today”

“Sir you already told us that!” the class reminded in chorus

“Accha? Oh haan yes… Kya bol raha tha main…hmm haan yaad aaya. Chalo Saavdhan!” he barked again as the class once again sat a right angle to the bench.

“Hmm bahut saal pehle ka story hai. Main tumhare jaise Tenth standard mein thaa.” recounted Walker Sir dreamily as we hung on to every word he said. “My school was also all-boys…but there was a girls’ school just five minutes away from ours.” he winked.

“Main to seedha saadha thaa tabhi, but my friend Halkat Pinto, well he was called Halkat for a reason hehe. Saala, how many times he got caned by the nuns for whistling outside their gate! But kabhi nahi sudhra woh” chuckled Walker sir reminiscently. “But as they say na, Allah Meherbaan to Gadha pehelwaan! Our Halkat donkey also had fate on his side. Saala whistle kar kar ke he managed to patao one girl, you know? And not just any girl, sabse in-demand item – Julie!” Sensing that the class was starting to lose patience, he decided to get to the point quicker. “Accha haan, woh sab chodo, haan to hamare farewell ki raat thi. Program wogram ke baad, we all decided to go seek the Old Monk’s blessings…you know thoda daaru-shaaru.” he winked again

“But Halkat said he couldn’t come along. Bola aaj kuch aur plan hai. We thought, saala of all the people Halkat is saying no to daaru! So main usko kopche mein leke gaya and asked him what was the scene. At first he wouldn’t say anything, par maine insist kiya.”

“See if anyone akses, don’t tell haan. Or I’ll bloody bajao you!” Halkat warned me. “Julie’s there no, I’m calling her over tonight.”

“Abey saale, what if your parents catch you.” I asked in shock.

“Don’t worry men. All the settings is done. My folks na, they’re gone to Goa for the weekend men!” Halkat boasted . “Now chal haan, I’ll make a move. Julie will get angry and all if I come late. I’ll tell you the details baad mein okay men?”

“And so saying Halkat sped off for his night with Julie as me and my friends stared in disbelief.” said Walker Sir

“Then what happen, Sir?” inquired Bhupesh curiously.

“Well, the next afternoon Halkat called me and he sounded very worried.” Walker Sir continued

“Bloody I’m screwed men!” wept Halkat. “Totally jacked-up men, totally!”

To be continued…

माझी कविता

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My dear country-wallahs
Today I am again addressing you
And saying please,
Maintain unity, calm and peace.

Other day only
Politician uncle became bored
And told everyone
To put Marathi board

Please to remember
We live in democracy
Please to not listen
To this uncle who is crazy.

No shouting, No rioting,
No biting, No fighting
Protect the diversity
Of our city.

All Indians are brothers
And sisters of brothers no?
Now I will go,
Thank you for listening
Please tell others also!

Louve Poem

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In full life I have one regret
That is to be the fact
That you and I never met.

Eighth, Ninth and Tenth,
Three years I spent
Waiting and waiting but still
My dreams were never filled.

Yet memories of you I cherish
Like a red red rose,
Which I will never dispose,
Until the day I perish.

When we will meeting
After how many years
That also I am not knowing

But I’m sure that the seed I planted
Will one day growing.