Be there or B-Squared

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Let’s play a little game, shall we?
But I don’t want to!
It’s going to be fun!
We have all sorts of fascinating creatures,
And characters and quests.
But I’d rather play something else…
Come on now, its really simple.
This stands for that, and that for something else,
But in reality something else is actually this
See how we switched places for the heck of it?
Now tell me if I took this, that and something else
Put it in bag, added some spice,
And shook it nicely,
Would that stand for this, and this for that?
Why don’t you just open the bag and see for yourself?
Because its more fun to guess without it!
Says who?
Its the rule, silly!
I don’t get it.
That’s impossible, everyone gets it!
How is this supposed to be fun again?
It’s fun if you want to have fun…
I do…this isn’t.
That’s only because you’re stupid
And you won’t put your head into it.
Now be a sport and tell me what happens
When you combine this, that, that other thing,
And that thing we began with,
With double the value of something else?
Aren’t we having fun yet?

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The Miseducation of Class Xth F – Part II

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For Part One Click Here

Unsure and impatient the whole class was itching to hear Walker Sir’s story. Questions flew thick and fast in our minds : Was it a real story? Would there be an actual kiss? And if there was would he really tell all? Whatever the case, we would know soon enough…but only after Bhupesh Shah, the third monitor of the class returned from the staff room Bhupesh, one of the thirty seven Shah’s in our class was in fact the perfect guy for the job. Considering that he was Jayachandran Geometry Madam’s favourite student it was highly unlikely that he wouldn’t be able to convince her not to come to class.

Gasping for air, he straightened his tie and flattened his heavily oiled hair, while scanning the staff room for Jayachandran Geometry Ma’am. At first there was no sign of her but soon enough Bhupesh spotted the diminutive teacher almost fully hidden behind a pile of uncorrected notebooks. Bhupesh gathered his courage and walked towards her as she furiously made huge red crosses on every page of a notebook, before finally slamming it shut.

“Eh..excuse Mees” Bhupesh stuttered as she absent-absentmindedly looked up.

“Not now I’m busy!” she said barely making eye-contact. Determined not to give up, Bhupesh decided to get straight to the point.

“Mees, you can’t take extra class today.” he announced.

“What naansense!” thundered Jayachandran Ma’am.

“Yes Mees, that Walker Sir is there no, he is only saying this way.” explained a harried Bhupesh. “He is telling me to telling you that today he is taking surprise PT exam Mees.”

“PT is yoosless! Whaat you will learn from Left-Right-Left? You go back and tell him that Jayachandran Madam said that Maths is more important!”she ordered.

“But Mees he is saying….” Bhupesh tried to argue

“Shameless! Back-answering to your teachers! Is this what Mummy-Daddy taught you?” she slapped him.

“Sorry Mees” said Bhupesh with a lone tear running down his cheek. Seeing her pet weep melted Jayachandran Madam’s heart usual. She finally gave in.

“Okay okay, now don’t cry. Fine you go tell Walker Sir that he can take class today, but no PT period for the next two weeks! I have to finish Trigonometry Group D after all!”

“Yes yes, thenk you mees. I will telling!” said Bhupesh gleefully wiping his tears away. He then turned and ran back to class twice as fast as before with an ear-to-ear grin pasted on his face. In no time he reached class door and outstretched an arm.

“Pliss may I come in Sir.” he said.

“Huh…where did you come from? You were bunking? Shameless!” Walker Sir grumbled, having obviously forgotten that he himself had sent Bhupesh to the staff room.

“No no Sir, you are only sending me remember?” reminded Bhupesh.

“Uh…of course I remember? Tumko kya lagta hai, Walker Sir tight hai?” chuckled a very drunk Walker sir. “Chal come in and sit down. Haan to you know what, I was thinking that I will tell all of you a story today”

“Sir you already told us that!” the class reminded in chorus

“Accha? Oh haan yes… Kya bol raha tha main…hmm haan yaad aaya. Chalo Saavdhan!” he barked again as the class once again sat a right angle to the bench.

“Hmm bahut saal pehle ka story hai. Main tumhare jaise Tenth standard mein thaa.” recounted Walker Sir dreamily as we hung on to every word he said. “My school was also all-boys…but there was a girls’ school just five minutes away from ours.” he winked.

“Main to seedha saadha thaa tabhi, but my friend Halkat Pinto, well he was called Halkat for a reason hehe. Saala, how many times he got caned by the nuns for whistling outside their gate! But kabhi nahi sudhra woh” chuckled Walker sir reminiscently. “But as they say na, Allah Meherbaan to Gadha pehelwaan! Our Halkat donkey also had fate on his side. Saala whistle kar kar ke he managed to patao one girl, you know? And not just any girl, sabse in-demand item – Julie!” Sensing that the class was starting to lose patience, he decided to get to the point quicker. “Accha haan, woh sab chodo, haan to hamare farewell ki raat thi. Program wogram ke baad, we all decided to go seek the Old Monk’s blessings…you know thoda daaru-shaaru.” he winked again

“But Halkat said he couldn’t come along. Bola aaj kuch aur plan hai. We thought, saala of all the people Halkat is saying no to daaru! So main usko kopche mein leke gaya and asked him what was the scene. At first he wouldn’t say anything, par maine insist kiya.”

“See if anyone akses, don’t tell haan. Or I’ll bloody bajao you!” Halkat warned me. “Julie’s there no, I’m calling her over tonight.”

“Abey saale, what if your parents catch you.” I asked in shock.

“Don’t worry men. All the settings is done. My folks na, they’re gone to Goa for the weekend men!” Halkat boasted . “Now chal haan, I’ll make a move. Julie will get angry and all if I come late. I’ll tell you the details baad mein okay men?”

“And so saying Halkat sped off for his night with Julie as me and my friends stared in disbelief.” said Walker Sir

“Then what happen, Sir?” inquired Bhupesh curiously.

“Well, the next afternoon Halkat called me and he sounded very worried.” Walker Sir continued

“Bloody I’m screwed men!” wept Halkat. “Totally jacked-up men, totally!”

To be continued…

The Miseducation of Class Xth-F Part I

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Unlike a vast majority of schools all over India, the all boys school that I attended back when I was young(er) and stupid(er), never shied away from scandalizing it’s confused (pre)pubescent pupils. Back in my school, we didn’t have fancy comic books and slide-shows to explain the birds and bees, we had a man whom I can only refer to as ‘The Unsung Hero of Sex Education in Indian Society’ a.k.a. our PT teacher. Pardon me if that sounded sarcastic but I by no means mean to mock this great man. In fact I’m sure each of the five hundred and fifty kids that passed out from school the same year as I did, owe an unpayable debt to him for imparting invaluable knowledge of the facts of life to us. I mean, how else would we learn that the word ‘period’ meant more than just a lecture? So digressions aside, let me tell you exactly how our beloved PT teacher, whom we lovingly referred to as Mr. Johnny Walker (both for his mannerisms that resembled the yesteryear comedian as well as his beverage of choice) contributed to my life.

As is the case with each childhood experience that scarred me for life, I remember the day as if it were yesterday. I was all of fifteen years of age studying in the tenth standard: a time in my life where girls still had cooties and getting second highest marks in Marathi in a class of 85 was the end of the world. Simple times indeed! Back then, Johnny Walker Sir’s PT periods lectures (which were nothing but a half an hour game of kho-kho once in a month which usually ended abruptly when Walker Sir beat up 2/3rds of the class for talking!) were the only respite from Mrs. Jayachandran Geometry’s never-ending Maths lectures. That day, Walker Sir came to class and informed us that it was too sunny outside to play Kho-Kho, and hence we would once again have an indoor PT class (for my less-informed readers, this meant ten minutes of ‘Breathe in, Breathe out’ after which Johnny Walker Sir would fall asleep wide his mouth wide open leaving the class free to do whatever the heck they wanted. But this Indoor PT class was destined to be unlike others. Oh yes my friends, that day was, as Walker Sir had decided, the day when we would leave our boyhood behind and enter our confused teenage life.

“Saavdhan!”, he barked in his inimitable style. Once he was sufficiently convinced that we were sitting as perpendicular as our spines arched by years of carrying outrageously heavy bags allowed, he continued, “Today I will tell you kids a little story.”

At that point the class let out a chorus sigh. Johnny Walker Sir’s stories, much like most other things he did, digressed to something totally unrelated within a span of five minutes, followed by a nap and mass canings. Sensing that the class was least interested, he uttered a sentence which made sure that the class would pay rapt attention to him for any given length of time regardless of what he said after that.

“It’s a story about sex…education!” he quickly completed before our jaws dropped any further.

Now sex-education to me was like the mythical abominable snow-man. I had heard various fascinating and sometimes terrifying tales about it but never before had I actually been on the receiving end of one. For that reason alone, I like the eighty-four others was in a state of semi-shock cum hypnosis for the rest of that lecture and probably a good part of the following week as well.

“Now the Principal has said that the class is too young for sex-education. But who gives a damn about the Principal, I mean what does he know!” ranted Walker Sir who was of the firm opinion that the Principal, just like 99% of the world had his head up in the nether regions. “Too young he says, haan! Bullshit! I know all of you rascals secretly watch FTV.” he smirked at the red-faced class.

“Tension nahin lene ka…even I watch it.” he winked as the class heaved a sigh of relief and chuckled embarrassedly.

“Next class kaun sa hai?” he asked

“Jayachandran Geometry Madam’s extra Math lecture, Sir” we yelled in chorus again

“Pshaw! What will you children ever gain from this Algebra and Geometry business? Oye monitor, go tell her that I’m taking a surprise PT exam, my story is more important than the value of x + y2 !”

As the class cheered aloud, the monitor gleefully ran with the same gusto as Phidippides did to Marathon. Johnny Walker Sir then rolled up his sleeves and perched himself on the table with 84 curious lads hanging on to every word he said. With Jayachandran Geometry Madam out of the way nothing was going to stop him today!