The Miseducation of Class Xth F – Part II


For Part One Click Here

Unsure and impatient the whole class was itching to hear Walker Sir’s story. Questions flew thick and fast in our minds : Was it a real story? Would there be an actual kiss? And if there was would he really tell all? Whatever the case, we would know soon enough…but only after Bhupesh Shah, the third monitor of the class returned from the staff room Bhupesh, one of the thirty seven Shah’s in our class was in fact the perfect guy for the job. Considering that he was Jayachandran Geometry Madam’s favourite student it was highly unlikely that he wouldn’t be able to convince her not to come to class.

Gasping for air, he straightened his tie and flattened his heavily oiled hair, while scanning the staff room for Jayachandran Geometry Ma’am. At first there was no sign of her but soon enough Bhupesh spotted the diminutive teacher almost fully hidden behind a pile of uncorrected notebooks. Bhupesh gathered his courage and walked towards her as she furiously made huge red crosses on every page of a notebook, before finally slamming it shut.

“Eh..excuse Mees” Bhupesh stuttered as she absent-absentmindedly looked up.

“Not now I’m busy!” she said barely making eye-contact. Determined not to give up, Bhupesh decided to get straight to the point.

“Mees, you can’t take extra class today.” he announced.

“What naansense!” thundered Jayachandran Ma’am.

“Yes Mees, that Walker Sir is there no, he is only saying this way.” explained a harried Bhupesh. “He is telling me to telling you that today he is taking surprise PT exam Mees.”

“PT is yoosless! Whaat you will learn from Left-Right-Left? You go back and tell him that Jayachandran Madam said that Maths is more important!”she ordered.

“But Mees he is saying….” Bhupesh tried to argue

“Shameless! Back-answering to your teachers! Is this what Mummy-Daddy taught you?” she slapped him.

“Sorry Mees” said Bhupesh with a lone tear running down his cheek. Seeing her pet weep melted Jayachandran Madam’s heart usual. She finally gave in.

“Okay okay, now don’t cry. Fine you go tell Walker Sir that he can take class today, but no PT period for the next two weeks! I have to finish Trigonometry Group D after all!”

“Yes yes, thenk you mees. I will telling!” said Bhupesh gleefully wiping his tears away. He then turned and ran back to class twice as fast as before with an ear-to-ear grin pasted on his face. In no time he reached class door and outstretched an arm.

“Pliss may I come in Sir.” he said.

“Huh…where did you come from? You were bunking? Shameless!” Walker Sir grumbled, having obviously forgotten that he himself had sent Bhupesh to the staff room.

“No no Sir, you are only sending me remember?” reminded Bhupesh.

“Uh…of course I remember? Tumko kya lagta hai, Walker Sir tight hai?” chuckled a very drunk Walker sir. “Chal come in and sit down. Haan to you know what, I was thinking that I will tell all of you a story today”

“Sir you already told us that!” the class reminded in chorus

“Accha? Oh haan yes… Kya bol raha tha main…hmm haan yaad aaya. Chalo Saavdhan!” he barked again as the class once again sat a right angle to the bench.

“Hmm bahut saal pehle ka story hai. Main tumhare jaise Tenth standard mein thaa.” recounted Walker Sir dreamily as we hung on to every word he said. “My school was also all-boys…but there was a girls’ school just five minutes away from ours.” he winked.

“Main to seedha saadha thaa tabhi, but my friend Halkat Pinto, well he was called Halkat for a reason hehe. Saala, how many times he got caned by the nuns for whistling outside their gate! But kabhi nahi sudhra woh” chuckled Walker sir reminiscently. “But as they say na, Allah Meherbaan to Gadha pehelwaan! Our Halkat donkey also had fate on his side. Saala whistle kar kar ke he managed to patao one girl, you know? And not just any girl, sabse in-demand item – Julie!” Sensing that the class was starting to lose patience, he decided to get to the point quicker. “Accha haan, woh sab chodo, haan to hamare farewell ki raat thi. Program wogram ke baad, we all decided to go seek the Old Monk’s blessings…you know thoda daaru-shaaru.” he winked again

“But Halkat said he couldn’t come along. Bola aaj kuch aur plan hai. We thought, saala of all the people Halkat is saying no to daaru! So main usko kopche mein leke gaya and asked him what was the scene. At first he wouldn’t say anything, par maine insist kiya.”

“See if anyone akses, don’t tell haan. Or I’ll bloody bajao you!” Halkat warned me. “Julie’s there no, I’m calling her over tonight.”

“Abey saale, what if your parents catch you.” I asked in shock.

“Don’t worry men. All the settings is done. My folks na, they’re gone to Goa for the weekend men!” Halkat boasted . “Now chal haan, I’ll make a move. Julie will get angry and all if I come late. I’ll tell you the details baad mein okay men?”

“And so saying Halkat sped off for his night with Julie as me and my friends stared in disbelief.” said Walker Sir

“Then what happen, Sir?” inquired Bhupesh curiously.

“Well, the next afternoon Halkat called me and he sounded very worried.” Walker Sir continued

“Bloody I’m screwed men!” wept Halkat. “Totally jacked-up men, totally!”

To be continued…

Young and Stupid – Chapter VII – The Finale


Before we commence with the finale of Young and Stupid, I would like to thank each and every reader for making this a great success. I enjoyed writing every bit of it, and I appreciate all the encouragement and feedback that I received from each one of you. As I promised the whole series is now available free for download.

Click here to download >>>>Young and Stupid – The Complete Series<<<<

Thanks once again for all the love. And now without further ado, here is….

Chapter VII – The Finale


The sound of the bell echoed through the house, striking a chord of fear in our hearts.


Please tell me that was your impression of the doorbell.” I rhetorically said. It rang again, this time sounding more like a death knell.


What do we do now?” she whispered.


Just stay right there, I’ll check through the peep hole, maybe it’s just the milkman or the paper boy.”


It’s almost seven thirty in the evening not morning.”


Oh dear lord no! Mom was supposed to be back by 8.”


What if it’s her? Oh my gosh, no! She’s going to find me here and freak out. We’re done for. I told you this was a bad idea, didn’t I?”


Look this isn’t a time for ‘told you so’. Clear the mess in the room quickly and I’ll go look through the peep-hole.”


I walked hesitantly towards the door hoping against hope that my mother wasn’t on the other side. I took a deep breath and looked through the peep hole. Sure enough, it was her. I could see her getting impatient as she rang the door bell again. I had to stall her. But how?


Is anyone in there?” she said aloud as she banged the door.


Coming!” I yelled back not sure what to do next.


What’s taking you so long? Open the door?” mom demanded


I just got out of the bathroom, ma. Just give me a minute.”


I looked inside the room, she had cleared the table and stood there awaiting her next orders.


Jump out the window. NOW!”


What? Are you mad? Jump out the window?” she said in shock


I live on the ground floor you know. No one in history has died falling from this height.”


Okay and then what next?”


Well go round the back again. Make sure no one spots you and then wait for me at the junction going to the main road. I’ll try to make it there as well. But if I don’t….”


No don’t say that.” she said like a heroine in a Hindi movie.


Arrey, all I meant to say is that. If I don’t make it there, just go home. No point waiting and getting late na?”

Okay I’ll change and leave.”


There’s no time for that, just leave.”


But…how can I go home looking like this….Arrey….okay you don’t have to throw me out the window you know?”


I helped her climb up to the window sill and jump outside. “Be careful.” I told her and then I turned to go towards the door. I decided to wet my hair for the ‘just out of the shower’ look.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. Mom entered suspecting foul play


Why did you suddenly decide to take a second bath?” she interrogated while scanning the room.


Oh you know me, ma. Hygiene freak that I am!”


Mom was somewhat shocked at the statement. I, the same person who could guiltlessly go a week or two without a bath, now claimed to be hygiene conscious. I had certainly pushed it too far with that. She eyed me head to toe, suspiciously noting my appearance. Ironed jeans, long-sleeved shirt (that too tucked in) and wet hair? Surely that did not add up.


What are you really up to? You look too fancy to have come out of the shower a minute ago.”


This old rag? You think this shirt looks fancy. I’ll tell you what’s fancy. Fancy would be something like…”


The orange t-shirt masi gifted you!” mom exclaimed.


Of course….the…orange t-shirt. yes…” I stuttered.


Thief! Thief! Someone’s running away with your orange t-shirt!”


Your tired, ma, you must be seeing things. Why don’t you sit down here?” I tried to draw her attention away from the window.


Stop fooling me, look out the window there. That girl is getting away with your t-shirt.”


Well what do you know? Let me have a closer look. Indeed it is the same t-shirt ma. But mine is a large, what she’s wearing is clearly a medium. It must be a coincidence.”


You just shut up and get out of my way.” mom brushed me aside and ran to the window.

Chor Chor!” she yelled and then she turned to me. “Don’t just stand there go and chase that girl.”


Mom, you’ve always told me it’s a bad thing to chase girls. How can I go against your words?” I said in a last ditch effort. Mom wasn’t going to fall for my ‘slick talk’ twice on the same day. She grabbed me by the arm and took me to the window.


Don’t think that I’m buying every word you say. Jump out and go after her!” she ordered.


I just realized I’m afraid of heights….okay okay you don’t have to throw me out the window.” I jumped feeling a sense of deja vu.


It was unlikely that the commotion would get past the ever-so-cautious ears of Mrs. Nosey. In no time she was at her window too.

Kya hua bhabhi?” she inquired in her Himesh-like nasal tone.


There’s a girl who’s sneaked into our building, she stole a t-shirt from the clothes line or something I think.”


Tch tch, see that’s why I put cloth pins on all the clothes I put out to dry.” she said looking down at her ‘dirty laundry’. That was the time she discovered to her horror that her beloved roses were missing.


Ahhhhhhh……Bhabhi, that chorni stole my roses too.” she screamed in a fit of panic.

I was about to burst out laughing, but I decided to play along.


What would anyone get out of stealing a poor little boy’s t-shirt and a nice lady’s roses, ma? This is unacceptable. I’ll chase that scoundrel down I tell you.” and so saying I ran off.


Go beta gooooooooo!” Mrs. Nosey’s words echoed through the building compound. I ran faster barely able to contain my laughter.

I headed towards the junction wondering if she’d be waiting there. Being spotted by mom must have scared her. I had to hurry, I ran with all the might that I had. A few meters later my heart threatened to jump out of me if I tried to go any faster. I slowed down to a jog-like pace. I must have been quite a sight jogging like a cross breed between a party-goer and a marathoner at 8 pm in the middle of the road. When I finally reached the junction, almost ready to collapse I didn’t see her at first. She then came out from behind a car and tapped me on my shoulder. I turned to her, she looked like a mixture of pale and bright orange.


Calm down, it’s okay now” I said breathing heavily.


But your mom spotted me how did you ever manage to get here.”


Long story, I’ll tell you.” I said, still panting. “Let’s get out of here first. I know a short-cut”


I lead her to a narrow lane between two building complexes. We stealthily made our way across like the Alcatraz escapees. On the way I filled her in on how I got there. Her reaction was a mixture of shock, laughter, awe and finally pity.


I’m really sorry I got all mad at you. If it wasn’t for you we would have been busted by now.”


Oh don’t you worry. It was really nothing.”


I was busy trying to act all modest when I heard a loud hi-pitched bark. We turned around to see a furious man with a soggy Pomeranian in his arms.


Oh shit, this is the stupid dog…” she said in total shock


And the stupid guy.” I completed her sentence. She nodded.


Hey you! You’re the girl who kicked Tiger into the gutter. You’re going to be sorry!” the man threatened.


Tiger!” we both laughed.


Oh you think he’s harmless huh? Well I’ll show you….Tiger choooo!!” he said as let the ‘ferocious beast’ loose.


We better run.” she warned me.


Please do you think this floor mop can actually harm us?”

I should have listened to her, because the very next second tiger locked his teeth on to the ends of my pants.


You gushy vushy mushy freak! Those are expensive jeans, let go of them!” I said as I kicked him away as we fled from the scene. Tiger followed in hot pursuit, the owner close on his heels egging him on. The passers-by stared in amusement as dog chased man and man chased dog.


It’s gaining on us.” she said running out of breath. “I can’t run much longer.”


I was too out of breath to even respond to that. As we were both about to be hunted down by our pursuer a larger beast roared on to the scene. It was Mr. Schumacher Rickshaw-wallah. He slammed the brakes and swerved right in front of us.


Saab, madam. Jaldi.”


We jumped in still dumbfounded by the chain of events.


Aap yaha kaise?” I asked.

Arrey Saab, if we rickshaw-wallahs can come to Himesh’s rescue all the way in Germany, can anything be impossible for us?” he proudly proclaimed as he blasted ‘Tera Suroor’ on his stereo (complete with Jhankaar beats of course). Tiger chased us doggedly, but finally gave up as Mr. Schumacher blew a cloud of smoke right in its face. We finally heaved well deserved sighs of relief. We soon reached her locality and stopped a safe distance away from her building.


Kitna hua bhaiyya?” she asked our driver.


Kya madam, bhaiyya bolte ho aur paisa poochte ho?” Mr. Schumacher was obviously a softy at heart.


Jab zaroorat ho yaad karna saab.” he saluted and turned his rickshaw around once again revving and whizzing into the distance. I saluted back as ‘Tera tera tera surooooor’ echoed in the distance.


After a quite a while I felt a sense of safety.


Wow it’s finally over and we didn’t get killed. That was a really close call!”


I wouldn’t feel to safe if I were you!”


Wha-what do you mean?” I said getting a little scared.


Well you know what I’m talking about; you were the one who started the whole mess in the first place. What the hell were you trying to do?”


What are you talking about?”


Don’t play the fool; you know what I’m getting at. Does spilling tea all over your girlfriend ring a bell?”


That was a genuine accident, I swear.”


The truth. Out with it!”


She meant business, it was best not to anger her further.


It was a misunderstanding. I thought…”


What did you think? Come on tell me.”


I thought that we were about to have our first kiss. Fine?”


Why would you think that?”


I don’t know I guess it was in the moment.”


And you just jumped to conclusions?”


How am I to know? We never talk about things like these.”


So talk to me about it. I don’t bite like Tiger does, you know?”


I didn’t want you to think I was like one of the other guys. You know how everyone obsesses over getting physical the moment you’re in a relationship.”


But you did want to do that too. What are you trying to be saint for now?” she retorted.


Well yes but no…you know we need to talk this out but I understand if you don’t want to.”


Yes, we need to, but for now you need to get back home and do a lot of explaining. Like what happened to the t-shirt or what took you so long, or what happened to Mrs. Nosey’s roses?” she chuckled.


I’m sure you’ll sweet talk your way out of this though. Somehow I get the feeling that you will”


God alone knows what I’m going to do. Well I guess I’ll get going then.” I turned and started to walk away.


Wait” she called out.

I turned around as she came towards me.




She hugged me and pecked me on the cheek, “Go get ‘me tiger.” she giggled as she turned to leave.


I smiled at her and started to walk back. I had no clue what I’d say to mom, but somehow I wasn’t afraid. After all today, I found out that miracles do happen and that super-heroes do exist. Speaking of super-heroes. Where was Mr. Schumacher? Then in the distance I heard the familiar mix of nasal whining and revving. The superhero had arrived yet again to save the day. I prepared for another round whatever Mr. Fate chose to throw in my path. When you’re Young and Stupid, anything is possible. Absolutely anything!


Paras Sharma

Young and Stupid – Chapter III


Chapter III

My plans for the evening were simple. No fuss required. Just some nice music, some good snacks, maybe flowers, maybe chocolates too. Then again, a little surprise gift would be thoughtful as well. Flowers, chocolates and gifts, it all sounded so perfect… until I checked my wallet that is. I discovered that I had a grand total of….Rs.30 on me. I felt like a balloon that suddenly had all its air released. I sank to the couch tempted to bury my head in a pillow and cry the evening away but the ‘manly man’ in me refused to let me give up. After all necessity breeds invention. Once again I found myself in a sticky spot with nothing but my ‘quick wit’ to save me. And then an idea struck me like a tonne of bricks. Why not just take some cash from the cupboard? I’d save up by the end of the week and mom wouldn’t have to know. Yes, that was it. I felt proud of myself for thinking up a solution so fast. I gallantly marched into mom’s room and turned towards the cupboard. There it stood before me. All that separated me from having the necessary financial resources for an evening to remember was a puny metal door. It shan’t dare ruin my plans, NO SIREÉ! As I moved closer to it, I noticed something rectangular and yellow on the door that I hadn’t noticed before. On further observation I discovered that it was a post-it. It said something. I peeled it off the door, read it and then tore it to bits in a fit of rage. I still couldn’t believe what Mom had written on it, “The keys are with me, don’t bother trying to open it. Besides, why would you need the cash? Not like you are up to something!…Love, Mom” . The cheekiness did not stop there; she actually drew a smiley face on the post-it! This meant war. So that’s how we’re playing this then. Fine, I’ll make sure nothing comes in between me and my memorable evening. There would be no compromises whatsoever!

On second thoughts, maybe there would be some compromises, actually a lot of them. The grand preparations had come down to Tea & Biscuits (The finest cream biscuits from the local baniya. Nothing less!), and a 5 buck Dairy Milk. All that was missing now was flowers. Where would I find those now? I wondered as I paced to and fro in the living room. Just then, something outside the window caught my attention. Why it was my dear neighbours rose plant. I recalled how excited Mrs. Nosy was when she brought the sapling home, and how dearly she watered it each day. She even started talking to it after hearing something on TV about how plants grow better if you converse with them. Bearing that in mind, I was surprised at the fact that it actually had 2 roses in full bloom. Needless to say I did pluck them. Two birds with one stone I thought, not only would my lady-love be pleased, my arch-nemesis, Mrs. Nosey – Neighbour would be crest-fallen. I laughed like an evil villain and it actually felt good. This evening was going to be marvelous, simply marvelous I tell you!

All that was left to do now was to dress up and look handsome. (Of course that was the easy part!) I opened my closet and took out the first thing I laid my hands on. Ugh! The orange t-shirt chachi gifted me last birthday! NO WAY! Okay, take 2 – the formal shirt which Mom had picked out for me (saying that it made me look like a ‘nice boy’). ‘Definitely not wearing that!’ I almost said aloud. Third time lucky I concluded, as I took out the long sleeved royal blue shirt. I wasn’t too fond of but I remembered her telling me that she found it cute when I wore it once back when we weren’t seeing each other. I could use some of the vintage charm today. I chuckled as I repeated the words ‘vintage charm’; it had only been 7 months since we started ‘dating’. A quick shower later, I started to tidy up the place. Then I carefully selected the music. I would have chosen Metallica, but she could have retaliated with Michael Learns to Rock if she heard James Hetfield greet her. I settled for a 70s-90s Hits CD. It was common ground. I remembered how she said she was surprised that I listened to that kind of music. I of course assured that I swore by the Bee Gees (although I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from ABBA if anything other than “How Deep is Your Love” was played).

I then headed to the kitchen. Now I was no Gordon Ramsey or Jamie Oliver (or even our Desi super-chef Sanjeev Kapoor for that matter), but if a good cuppa and toast could qualify as culinary masterpieces, I could give them a run for their money any day. I decided not to be too ambitious though. Just some tea would do fine. Less is more like they say. A couple of minutes later tea was ready. I decided to flaunt my artistic skills as I arranged the biscuits on the plate. I made a heart first. Too corny! I considered making a smiley face, but I already had a bad experience with one of those not too long ago. I just arranged them in a circle and put one in the middle. I couldn’t look at it and say, Voila! That’s my ‘Ulysses’, but it wasn’t an eye-sore either. Then I took one of the roses, which my neighbour had so generously supplied me with for the evening and cut the thorns off. There it lay on the platter in all its long stemmed glory. I gazed at my creation, and it was good! I rested. Conserve your strength little one, you are just about to witness the most memorable evening of your life!

Young and Stupid!



No matter how old, mature and refined you are today, there was a point of time in your life that you were, (how do we say this politely), ‘Young and Stupid’. Now don’t get all defensive, you know it’s true. Your nonchalance doesn’t fool me and I suggest you stop lying to yourself as well. Let’s refresh our memories to a time when we weren’t ‘world-wise’ and ‘politically correct’. I am referring to that period of your existence which you would rather pretend never happened. The phase where your wardrobe was filled with outfits you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing today, when your hair-do was something you’d accessorize with a paper bag. Yes young-lings let the the repressed, haunting memories resurface. Go and find that photograph that you’ve hidden from the world for years and gaze at it intently. Take in every little detail, face your worst fears and laugh at yourself. Only then can we proceed.

Assuming that you have successfully lowered your level of ‘coolness’, we can now come to our story (which I have excavated from the depths of my subconscious). Before anyone tries to file a lawsuit I would like to mention that the following is a work of fiction. No such events occurred in my past. Yes, that’s exactly what it is. Or maybe I just don’t want to accept the fact that something like this ‘may have happened’. No animals were harmed in this incident (if you discount me of course). All resemblances to any ex-girlfriends, living/non-living, real/fictitious are (believe it or not) purely co-incidental.

If for some strange reason you are still reading this, the torture ends here, but don’t get too comfortable, the story is about to begin. Hope to see you on the other side…Hello? Anyone there?


Chapter I

Dateline: Diwali Holidays of 2004. Your’s truly is all of sixteen and in ‘love’ (surprise surprise).

I had been trying all week to find a way to get rid of mom. After repeated trial and error, I decided to have one last throw of the dice before I finally called it quits. One last desperate attempt to convince her to visit her sister. If this didn’t work, I knew nothing else would. I may as well just forget everything about my ‘plan’ then. All hope rested on this final try and with that in mind, I entered mom’s room, flashing a smile as wide as my jaws would permit and sugarcoatedly said

Hi Ma. How’s everything going. Slow afternoon, isn’t it?”

Yeah, nothing new about that” she simply said. I pressed on

So why don’t you do something to kill the boredom Ma?”

You think I haven’t tried? I’ve already cooked both lunch and dinner and you don’t even look hungry, and there isn’t anything on TV in the afternoons either.”

I impishly grinned, “You know ma, I have something you could do, but I don’t know if you would be up for it.”

Good, then don’t bother yourself.” she said, her poker face still intact.

Maybe you should go and visit Masi’s place, na.”

Mom sprang up at the mention of my aunt, “Arrey, why should I pointlessly turn up there?”

I decided to make my move now.

Ma, I know things aren’t peachy between the two of you, but she is your sister after all.”, I said trying to maintain an innocent, sincere look.

(At this statement, mom turned defensive) “Na, na, nothing like that. Who told you we were fighting? It’s just that she’ll think that I visit her only when I’m bored. It will reflect poorly.”.”

Quite the contrary mother dearest. You fail to see this from the other perspective. Couldn’t aunty feel that you’d rather sit at home bored all day than visit her? Now wouldn’t that look worse?”

You think so? Maybe you are right. She has been snappy of late, maybe a visit would calm her down.” mom pondered.

Oh it will make a world of a difference Ma. You take my word for it!”

Okay then, I guess we’re going to pay your aunt a visit today then. Clear the mess in the living room and get dressed.”

Damn it! This was backfiring, time for evasive action!

Mom, I was actually suggesting that you should visit her alone.”

Mom (turns suspicious) “And leave you all alone here? Are you upto something?”

I put on my best shocked expression and sighed “I just thought it would be a nice change from the daily routine for you, and you…you doubted me. I’m saddened by this lack of faith that you show.”

Okay okay stop it with the big words.”

No, mom, the damage has already been done. My very own mother suspects me, Oh, the shame of it!”

Enough said, now cut the melodrama before I change my mind.”(whoops, maybe I went a bit overboard but it seemed to be working, mom was falling for it.)

Great, I’m sure you two will have a great time catching up, give her my regards.” I said leading her to the door.

I don’t have a good feeling about this! I better not hear any complaints about you from the neighbours.” mom warned.

Mrs. Nosey? What makes you think I’d trouble her?” (this time I put on my puppy face).

Oh I don’t know, maybe that incident with her bird? Now wasn’t that a memorable event?”

Hey now you can’t blame me or even the cat for that matter. The bird died out of the dual shock of being let out of its cage and then getting an up close glimpse of kitty’s teeth. The poor thing was just yawning!”

At this point mom realized that there was no point pursuing the conversation any further. She wisely surrendered.

Okay okay fine bye. Be good! I’ll be back by 8.”

Take your time, the place is in safe hands.” I said flashing a wide reassuring smile.

Mom paused for a moment and then left. I closed the door and jumped for joy. I couldn’t believe I had actually pulled it off. Phase one of the plan had been successfully executed.


Chapter II Coming Up Next Week!