An Open Apology Letter from Ramu…

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My Dear Fellow Citizens,

I know that an apology has been due from my side ever since Ram Bhopal Burma Ki Aag. Mummy-Promise, I had all intentions to write an apology letter but khallas…I mean alas, I never got the time to do so because of the busy shooting schedule of RBB ki Aag – The Sequel (Coming to a theater near you in Dec.2009). Before you get me wrong again, I am not here to promote my movie, I am here for something almost as important, I’m here to apologize for tagging along with our CM Alasrao Deshmukh to the Taj and the Oberoi.

Now doubt me if you may, but I am not writing this under pressure from anybody. It’s something I felt I needed to do as a responsible human being who is answerable to his own conscience. That, as far as I’m concerned is the Satya! None the less, I still need to answer all of you as well. I’m sure all of you must be wondering why the hell was I there at Terror Tour of the Taj and the Oberoi, which, quite frankly, was none of my business.

Well, let me tell you how it all began. A couple of days ago, I received a call on my cellphone. After quickly ensuring that it wasn’t a distributor calling to ask for his money or one of the usual wise-asses who keep hurling abuses at me ever since Aag came out (Yes I have list of your numbers you bastards!), I picked the call up. The nice, friendly, sweet talking girl on the other end asked me “Sarkar ke ban ne mein aap involved the?“. I immediately replied “Of course of course, I was the mind behind Sarkar! Not once, but twice, and if I get support again, I’ll make it once more.” The girl seemed to be pretty happy when she heard this and told me that she would like to meet at the Taj. Now usually, I don’t entertain requests like these, but these days I’m on a creative hiatus (read ‘jobless’), you can say its some well-earned time off for myself (read ‘totally jobless’), also I haven’t had the time to go to the Taj in a while you know (read ‘broke’). So I agreed to meet the girl.

Only when I reached there did I realize that she was not a female fan who had invited me for a date. She in fact was the CM’s Head PR person. Apparently, the CM told her, “Jisne bhi Sarkar banane mein help kiya, usko Taj bulao!”, and she thought he was referring to my movie, Sarkar. Poor girl, I won’t blame her. That was a very hit movie after all!

So you see it was all just a delightful misunderstanding! Now I know what you’re thinking, “Why didn’t Ramuji know about the terror attacks in Mumbai?” Well, folks, do you really think I’ve read the papers, or watched TV or even made any contact with the outer world after my last two movies? I know, all of this could have been avoided with a bit of common sense on my part, but hey, I’m the guy who has made movies like Darna Mana Hai, Naach and Darling! I mean seriously, do you still think I have any sense left in my head?

I guess I have to just admit it now. There’s no where I can Rann! So here goes, *ahem * Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry, I totally Phoonked up! I mean I don’t know what else to say here, I’m like totally Nishabd! Just yesterday, everything was Mast, but all thanks to one silly little mistake, the people are hunting me down as if its a Jungle out there. But as Kaun, I mean Akon sang, “You Can Put The Blame on Me”. Sorry once again folks, I’ll try and be more cautious about the Company I keep next time.

Yours Apologetically,

Ram Bhopal Burma.

P.S. Sorry for shamelessly inserting all my movie-titles in this letter. It’s a part of my Contract! There, that’s all of them!

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Who’s The Bigger Threat?

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Anyone who knows me or  has followed this blog, definitely knows that I’m a connoisseur of bad Bollywood cinema. To be honest with you, I’m the kind of guy who enjoys The Dark Knight and Purani Haveli in pretty much the same vein. Naturally then, I had more than enough reasons to be excited last month . For starters, Himess Bhai was about release his second movie Karz (with extra Zs free), which was destined to deliver a truckload of laughter for ‘fans’ like me before it went straight to hell on a haath gaadi. Sadly I didn’t manage to catch that awesome movie. Himess Bhai crashed out of the theaters before I could say ‘Ooooo Huzoooor!’ But all hope was not gone, because over the last month or so, a strange little man had emerged out of nowhere and suddenly taken over all the bus-stops and TV screens at Shoppers Stop, McDonalds and even the new digital signage at the railway stations. That man of course was KRK, producer and lead actor of Desh Drohi a man who we’ve already exalted earlier this week.

7th November was to be the D-day when KRK and his motley crew of 2 item girls and 15 villains would roll into town with their drama, emotion, action, comedy and social messegwa! What made the day even more exciting was that Dasvidaniya a bonafide, well made film was to be released on the same day. The Thursday before D-day however, both movies were nowhere to be seen in the movie listings though the TV promos proudly declared Coming November 7th. As it turned out later, Bollywood had gone into a frenzy and for some reason, every Raj, Rahul and Prem wanted their movie to be launched on November 7th. As a result, our two diametrically opposite, small budget movies couldn’t afford the theaters that week and both pushed back their release dates to the coming week.

While Dasvidaniya managed to stay controversy free after that, Desh Drohi faced a different fate. A B-grade, shoe-string budget movie, that until recently few (like me) cared about (mostly for a quick laugh) was now the talk of the town with everyone from the Delhi Tribunal to the Maharashtra CM giving their opinion on it. Unfazed, the great KRK pooled in all his remaining financial resources (remember he financed his own damn movie!) and went on an all out rampage to campaign the crap out of Desh Drohi. If earlier one saw Desh Drohi posters at Bus-stops, one could now see them on the buses too. Heck my harmless KRK blog-post started receiving hits by the hundreds after some alert Manoos linked it to the Orkut community of a party which seemed very concerned by the movie.

Amidst all the hullabaloo no one really seemed to notice that Desh Drohi, if it managed to make it to the theaters, would now get a decent amount of curious spectators who’d want to see what exactly was so ‘inflammatory’ about it. If all went as planned, KRK would even make a buck or two in profits. That, however was not meant to be. After screening after special screening, the Maharashtra government finally decided to tadipaar Desh Drohi from Maharashtra for 2 whole months, a time frameafter which, let’s face it, most movies are completely erased from the juntas memory. This probably is the end of the road for Desh Drohi, but it is also the start of a discussion.

We need to ask: Was it Desh Drohi that was a threat to the decorum in Maharashtra? or was it the people who threatened that the city would burn once again if it were released? Who really deserves to be kicked out of the state, the movie or these mindless vandals who kill in the name of cultural pride? Let’s face it people, if Desh Drohi was even a tenth as influential as the government that banned it built it up to be, KRK would be a millionaire by now. Desh Drohi was at best, a B-Grade movie filled with has-beens and never-will-be’s. The only ‘negative impact’ it could have caused would be the mild-headache that one is left with after watching movies of the Himesh kind. Yet we’re made to believe that Desh Drohi is the problem here.

Sadly, the ones who have both the power to influence minds in Maharashtra and spoil the decorum are the ones the state has catered to. Today, it’s an obscure B-grade movie that has fallen at their hands. If something isn’t done soon enough, soon the state will too.

I mean seriously, does this look like a man who can convince you to come out on the streets and break stuff?

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The Great Indian Democrazy.

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Disclaimer: The above interview was a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any politicians dead/ alive are purely co-incidental. Even if not, we don’t claim responsibility.

In November 2008, Americans voted in record numbers in a landmark election which gave America it’s first African-American President, Barack Obama. With his message of ‘Change’, the young Obama has managed to unite a divided America. Closer home though, we didn’t really have a leader to match Obama, until recently that is. Last year, a young, fiery politician, won the TV reality show Bleed India and since then has taken the politics in India by storm. I present to you ladies and gentlemen, the chairman of the SMS (Super Maniacs Sena), Mr. PK Kulkarni. Here are some excerpts from a free-wheeling JAM interview that covered everything from his views on President-elect Obama, to his plans for the forthcoming elections.

JAM: Both you and Barack Obama have risen meteorically in politics. Do you think it’s fair to say that the two of you are similar politicians?

PK: Of course of course, I totally agree that Barack and I are very much like each other. In fact, I can name so many similarities between us right now: He is the first Black President in the history of America. I am the first leader in the history of India who blackens the faces of other leaders! He supports the minorities in America, my supporters are a minority in India. He is in favour of change, my party workers will kill for loose change. Arrey, in fact, our slogans are similar too! He says ‘Yes, We Can!’, my party says “No, You Cannot!”

JAM: Your party has been at the receiving end of a lot of flak because you said that non-natives should leave Maharashtra and go back to their home states. Are you really against all immigrants?

PK: This is entirely false, I have always welcomed immigrants to the state. In fact, I’ve always maintained that people from all over India can come to Maharashtra and stay as long as they want…provided they leave the next month.

JAM: The Supreme Court has recently said that Maharashtra is becoming increasingly unsafe for Non-natives because of your party. What are your comments?

PK: Once again, these allegations are absolutely false. My party does not believe in discrimination against anyone. Yes, I admit Maharashtra is unsafe, but then it is unsafe for everyone no? Tomorrow if the Supreme Court orders that I should be arrested again, my party workers will attack everyone: native or non-native.

JAM: As a matter of fact my next question, was about your arrest. When the Police took you into custody last time, your supporters went on a rampage, destroying several PEST buses and auto rickshaws in protest. Isn’t this ‘Jungle-Raj’? (no pun intended)

PK: No no, you are unnecessarily tying up two unrelated issues. The destroying of those buses and rickshaws had nothing to do with my arrest. If you remember, my party had given an ultimatum to PEST and the Rickshaw Union to replace their old vehicles with a new fleet as a part of the MM-Mar-Diya Infrastructure Development Project which expired on that same day. As both PEST and the Rickshaw Union failed to replace their vehicles with new ones, we destroyed their old ones. So you see, we were doing a great service to the citizens!

JAM: Recently, an angry young man hijacked a PEST bus and even threatened to kill you. Is this a matter of concern for you now that the Police has lowered your security to B-Grade?

PK: (Laughs) Arrey these people are amateurs. Everyone knows that you hijack planes and destroy buses and not the other way around! As far as my security goes, my party workers are enough, I don’t need the Police. As you have seen before, they can destroy a bus (hijackers included) before you can even say, “Cha Mailaa!”

JAM: On a lighter note, rumor has it that you were asked to participate in the TV-reality show Bigg Dogg. Considering that you’ve already won a reality show, why didn’t you participate in Bigg Dogg?

PK: Let me tell you the inside story on this Bigg Dogg fellow. Three years ago, he came from another state for the Railway exams and was hired as a Railway Announcer. Back then he had no issues making announcements in Marathi, Hindi and English, but now since he has a high paying job, he makes announcements only in Hindi. I refuse to take orders from a Railway Announcer, especially if does not speak the state language! And who is he to tell me what to do and what not to do? That coward doesn’t even show his face!

JAM: Thank you so much for your time, Sir. All the best for the upcoming elections.

PK: Thank you very much…wait what did you say your name was? Paras SHARMA? Cha Mailaa, that is a North Indian surname!

JAM: Er…something wrong Sir?

PK: No no, nothing, just turn the camera off, my party workers just want to have ‘a brief talk with you’. Thank you for coming.

P.S. No Animals were harmed in the making of this interview, not even this writer. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go get my stitches removed.

– Paras Sharma. With Camera-person Satish S.