Vote for Sadvani

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Other day when I was surfing net
I saw something very funny
It was an ad for some website
Which said ‘Vote for Sadvani’

Apparently this uncle
Who is 81 years of age
Is trying to appear young and mod
By starting a web-page

I, however, am having one fear
If he is voted as PM
Will he live for 5 more years?

Or will he like the last two,
Suddenly fall ill,
And use taxpayer’s money
To foot his hospital bill?

To be honest, Mr.Sadvani
You’re getting too old,
India is needing someone
Who is young and bold

So please to take care of your health
And give up all this tension
Retire from politics today
And enjoy a life on pension!

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Strange Bedfellows

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In this strange world that we live in, there are times where one finds differences among things which are seemingly similar and at times finds similarities among things which are seemingly different.  Two of the past weeks headlines, happen to be an instance of the latter. On the surface, Pramod Muthalik’s war Against V-day in India and baby-faced Alfie Patton becoming a father at 13 are two news stories which couldn’t be any more dissimilar. But if one takes a closer look, it soon becomes apparent that the two balance each other out in almost a Yin and Yang sort of way.

Both Muthalik and Alfie have caused national outrages in matters related to sex  and modernity – Muthalik with his warped sense of right and wrong and Alfie with, to quote a conservative MP from England, ‘a total collapse of any sense of what is right and wrong’. Muthalik exemplifies how over-conservatism can turn ugly while Alfie’s case shows how a policy of non-intervention can sometimes lead to less than desirable results.  Muthalik, nearly as old as Independent India, refuses walk shoulder to shoulder with a generation that has moved far ahead of him and instead wants to once again impose the restrictions of a by-gone era, while Alfie has moved too fast for even a country that considers itself ‘forward’.

The last similarity between the two, however, is the most important, yet the least obvious of them all. Both Muthalik and Alfie do not stand for what they seem to stand for.  Despite what the Sri Ram Sene would like you to believe they DO NOT stand for all that is glorious about Indian culture, and tempting as it may be for Muthalik and his ilk to think so, Alfie Patton does not stand for the modern generation.

What the two stand for is a lack of understanding of sex  – a colourless concept which has existed since time immemorial and will continue to do so until the day a stray asteroid bumps into our little blue planet. An education about the abovementioned should go a long way in teaching Muthalik and his men that,  people can and will always fall in love and express it physically, and that there’s nothing ‘immoral’ or ‘perverse’ about it and would also show Alfies all over the world that though it’s okay to do so, one cannot completely abandon all forms of caution.

Maybe Muthalik and Alfie should meet and have a little chat. What say you?

Valentine De!

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In full life till now
I have one wish
That is to take you out
On date dear miss!

Everytime I’m trying
I am starting to blush
That is because since 4th std
You are being my crush

All this started one day where
I saw you walking down the stairs
When I saw I just stood there
Your hair was flying in the air,
Your eyes were blue, your skin was fair

Now you have boyfriend but I don’t care
For you one corner in my heart is there

But this loneliness now I cannot bear
And that is why I am writing these lines,
Dear Miss,
Please to be my valentine!

Stree Maar Sena- The Genesis

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In a little over a month, a previously obscure right-wing extremist, Pramod Lunatic has become one of ‘India’s Most Hated’ – a title the man himself finds very hard to swallow. “Bhalai ka zamana hi nahi raha. You try to do something good for society and they turn around and call you names” he dejectedly said over the phone as he invited me for a chat over a couple of drinks. Convinced that the man deserved to have his side of the story heard, I complied but only after politely turning down the drinks. Here I present to you, for the first time ever, the exclusive story behind Pramod Lunatic, straight from the horse’s mouth:

Everyone hates me today just because my men roughed up a few morally loose, pub-going girls, but no one has ever bothered to hear my side of the story. At every stage of my life, I have been treated badly by women, right from childhood in fact! I remember this one time when I was in Jr. Kg. when my friend Manu and I got into an argument with our English teacher. The teacher wanted us to recite a poem that was against our culture. I can’t remember the exact words but I think it said something about ‘Jack and Jill going up a hill…and then coming down with a daughter’ We tried to reason with the teacher that such poems would have a bad influence on the children, but she would have none of it. What was worse was that she made both Manu and me stand on the bench for the whole day. Shocked by this injustice, we vowed that we would dedicate our lives towards fighting these Western-minded, English-speaking women who wanted to ruin our culture. Sadly Manu changed schools soon after and we lost touch. I haven’t spoken to him ever since, but I hear he went on to write a popular book about women.

To be honest though, I haven’t always hated women, you know? In fact, okay now this is making me blush, I actually had a crush on a girl when I was sixteen. Her name was Champakali, and she was perhaps the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. It was love at first sight you know? But I never had the guts to go upto her and propose. So I waited, hoping that she would one day come and propose to me! Eighth, Ninth and Tenth; three years I spent waiting for her, but still, this dream of mine was never fulfilled. Finally on Valentine’s Day (yes, I once celebrated it too), I wrote a love note for her which a contained a poem as follows:

“Oh meri Champakali
I’m going mad in your love, really!
That is why I decided to propose
And give you this red, red rose,
This feeling of mine, I hope you understand
Please to say yes and become my gullfraand.”

Instead Champa went crying to her Didi and her Mummy, both of whom came to my place and beat me up with chappals. When I was being thrashed, no one intervened, not even my own mummy! That was truly one of my saddest days. But looking back, I realize that it was also the day that my life got a new direction. It was on this day that I formed the Stree Maar Sena – a revolutionary body dedicated to beating the living daylights out of every woman who dared to desecrate our culture or break the hearts of our young men!

Today nothing can stop us! Not even piles of pink underwear! Come what may, we the brave,manly men of the Stree Maar Sena shall always fight for the love of our country! said Mr. Lunatic before taking a large swig.

Click Here to Know How You Can Send the Stree Maar Sena a Pink Chaddi

Click Here to Know How You Can Send the Stree Maar Sena a Pink Chaddi

Dev.D – Not a Review

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dev-d-wallpaper11I was sold on the idea of this movie right from the time I saw the first trailers sometime in November last year. As promos and interviews by the actors and the director revealed more and more about the film, my excitement only grew. When the fateful first weekend of February finally arrived, I was sure of this; Dev. D may not impress everyone, but it would certainly shock them all.

Though I didn’t get a chance to watch it on the first day itself, the initial reviews suggested that Anurag Kashyap had finally struck a chord with the critics. This was a surprise as I had feared that Dev. D, like Kashyap’s previous effort, No Smoking, would be largely misunderstood. I was then determined not to let anything come in my way of watching this movie the next day.

But as fate would have it, watching Dev.D wasn’t going to be so easy after all. You see, Dev.D was not just a hit with the critics, the audiences had embraced it as their own too! Simply put it, the movie was running house-full shows wherever it was available.

After an unsuccessful attempt at securing seats for the 3 o’clock show at a standalone multiplex, my friends and I rushed to good ol’ Eros, only to be greeted by serpentine queues, the likes of which I had never witnessed at Eros. Thankfully, we managed to get a hold of 3 stall tickets for yet another house-full show.

What was noteworthy was that the audience compromised of people from all classes and walks of life, right from south Mumbai college students to the kinds you find whistling at Gaiety and Galaxy. ‘Emosional Atyachaar’ it seems had surpassed all barriers!

As Abhay Deol made his appearance on-screen for the first time, the crowd burst into a round of applause, whistles and cheers. Thereafter, clapping and cheering almost became a regular exercise after every stunning visual, every witty line and every peppy song.

And then came ‘Emotional Attyachar- The Brass Band Version’, which, seeing the way the audience sang along, should be called the Karaoke version! Dev.D, I’m sure wouldnt have been able to pull even half the crowd that it did, had it not been for this song.

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Emotional Attyachar!

That however, does not take anything away from the director Anurag Kashyap. He may not be the first one to remake a classic, but he has definitely redefined the way female sexuality and music are handled in Hindi cinema. By seamlessly synthesizing contemporary controversies with a fab multi-genre soundtrack (courtesy Amit Trivedi) and a cryptic, non-linear narration, Anurag Kashyap shows what a phenomenal talent he is.

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Mahie Gill as Paro

Debutante Mahie Gill as Paro, delivers an honest and powerful performance. Regardless of what the future holds for her, she will always be remembered as the girl who bicycled to the fields with a mattress tied to the carrier.

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Kalki Koechlin as Chanda

The other new face, Kalki Koechlin who plays Lenny who later turns into Chanda effortlessly essays one of the most daring roles scripted in Bollywood. Her irreverant act as Chanda makes Tabu in Chandni Bar look like a Susheel Bhartiya Naari.

Abhay Deol as Dev. D

Abhay Deol as Dev. D

The star of the movie however, is undoubtedly Abhay Deol, who is also credited for conceptualizing the movie. It’s amazing how Abhay has gone from being “Sunny and Bobby’s Cousin” to the face of off-beat Bollywood in just a little over a year. Not once does he go over the top playing a role which he could have so easily hammed like SRK did in his outing as Devdas.

The Twilight Players

The Twilight Players

The other stars of this movie are Chunni, a new age pimp/drug peddler played by a very talented Dibyendu Bhattacharya and three brilliant dancers; Sinbad, Ammo and Jimi a.k.a. The Twilight Players, who give new life to the brilliant numbers ‘Saali Khushi’ and ‘Pardesi’. The camera-work and the set-design too are such that each scene makes for a poster-worthy still.

To review this movie would be redundant. It goes without saying that this is one of the most significant releases ever in Indian cinema. Take a bow Mr.Kashyap and Co!