Valentine’s Day For Dummies

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Celebrated on 14th February each year, St. Valentine’s Day is a perfect example of how a corporate scam can be turned into a global holiday if one can somehow establish its affiliation to a patron saint. This saint need not even be a real one as no one cares what comes after the ‘St.’ prefix. For that matter, one could even start a St. Ramalinga Raju School of Business and have MBA aspirants desperately lining up in serpentine queues to get a seat in the ‘prestigious convent institution’.

The only reason why this ‘holiday’ is celebrated on the 14th of February is because, February being the shortest month of the year (even during leap years), there’s a greater chance of people having more disposable income to waste on outrageously expensive gifts in the name of love. Yes, you guessed it right this holiday too was created by these damned MBA-types, the same jackasses who created the current global economic recession.

Although gifting bouquets of red roses, heart shaped boxes of chocolates and teddy bears is a common practice all over the world, there are also subtle differences in the way Valentine’s Day is celebrated across various cultures. In India for example, saffron-colored kurta wearing youth armed with sticks and black paint attack males and females if they happen to be sitting within a 5 metre radius of each other.

Some studies have shown that the number of emo suicides, STD contractions, teenage pregnancy and depression related chocolate consumption rises drastically on V-Day. Another striking feature of Valentine’s Day is its miraculous ability to inspire talentless single youth to pen heart touching poems (usually starting with the line ‘Roses are Red’) for the object of their love. With the help of a highly complex computer I , dear reader, have prepared the following example for your benefit;

” Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

I’ve found someone else

Bhaad mein jaa tu! ”

These youths (henceforth referred to as despos) then anonymously send a series of such poems (often written in “own” [goat’s] blood/ red ink, whichever is easier to find) to their object of love (henceforth referred to as terrified girl), until the time the terrified girl is able to successfully secure a restraining order from the authorities (a.k.a. Saffron-colored kurta-wearing youth). The despos then repeat the process with all their female friends on Orkut and Facebook. If the process fails the unsuccessful despo then congregates with other such failed despos to celebrate ‘Valentines Day with Friends’. Alternatively, the despo may also be recruited by a greeting card company as a writer.

In the rare instance that the terrified girl responds positively, the despo then assumes a posture whereby he kneels on one knee and asks the girl (who is now not terrified) “Will you be my Valentine?” The girl then responds “Yes” which in layman’s terms means “All your money is now mine!” There after the two usually live together happily, until the time, the despo runs out of cash. The despo then restarts the above-mentioned processes. (Refer flowchart below)

valentines-flowchart(Click Thumbnail for Full-Size Image)

In case you wish to ignore the truth, the donation-demanding  prudes at Wikipedia also have an article on Valentine’s Day.

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