Valentine’s Day For Dummies


Celebrated on 14th February each year, St. Valentine’s Day is a perfect example of how a corporate scam can be turned into a global holiday if one can somehow establish its affiliation to a patron saint. This saint need not even be a real one as no one cares what comes after the ‘St.’ prefix. For that matter, one could even start a St. Ramalinga Raju School of Business and have MBA aspirants desperately lining up in serpentine queues to get a seat in the ‘prestigious convent institution’.

The only reason why this ‘holiday’ is celebrated on the 14th of February is because, February being the shortest month of the year (even during leap years), there’s a greater chance of people having more disposable income to waste on outrageously expensive gifts in the name of love. Yes, you guessed it right this holiday too was created by these damned MBA-types, the same jackasses who created the current global economic recession.

Although gifting bouquets of red roses, heart shaped boxes of chocolates and teddy bears is a common practice all over the world, there are also subtle differences in the way Valentine’s Day is celebrated across various cultures. In India for example, saffron-colored kurta wearing youth armed with sticks and black paint attack males and females if they happen to be sitting within a 5 metre radius of each other.

Some studies have shown that the number of emo suicides, STD contractions, teenage pregnancy and depression related chocolate consumption rises drastically on V-Day. Another striking feature of Valentine’s Day is its miraculous ability to inspire talentless single youth to pen heart touching poems (usually starting with the line ‘Roses are Red’) for the object of their love. With the help of a highly complex computer I , dear reader, have prepared the following example for your benefit;

” Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

I’ve found someone else

Bhaad mein jaa tu! ”

These youths (henceforth referred to as despos) then anonymously send a series of such poems (often written in “own” [goat’s] blood/ red ink, whichever is easier to find) to their object of love (henceforth referred to as terrified girl), until the time the terrified girl is able to successfully secure a restraining order from the authorities (a.k.a. Saffron-colored kurta-wearing youth). The despos then repeat the process with all their female friends on Orkut and Facebook. If the process fails the unsuccessful despo then congregates with other such failed despos to celebrate ‘Valentines Day with Friends’. Alternatively, the despo may also be recruited by a greeting card company as a writer.

In the rare instance that the terrified girl responds positively, the despo then assumes a posture whereby he kneels on one knee and asks the girl (who is now not terrified) “Will you be my Valentine?” The girl then responds “Yes” which in layman’s terms means “All your money is now mine!” There after the two usually live together happily, until the time, the despo runs out of cash. The despo then restarts the above-mentioned processes. (Refer flowchart below)

valentines-flowchart(Click Thumbnail for Full-Size Image)

In case you wish to ignore the truth, the donation-demanding  prudes at Wikipedia also have an article on Valentine’s Day.

2009 Oscar and Razzie Nominees


The Oscars

AR Rahman, who has already bagged a Golden Globe Award for his soundtrack for Slumdog Millionaire, earlier this month, is now poised to win his first (and possibly second Oscar). Rahman has received 3 nominations at the Academy Awards under ‘Best Original Score’ (for Slumdog Millionaire) and ‘Best Original Song’ (‘O Saya!’ and  ‘Jai ho!’ from Slumdog Millionaire).  Rahman, it must be noted holds two of the three nominations under ‘Best Original Song’.

Danny Boyle bagged a nomination for ‘Best Direction‘ as well. All in all Slumdog Millionaire received 10 nominations in all including ‘Best Picture’, ‘Best Adapted Screenplay‘,  and ‘Best Cinematography’.

Slumdog Millionaire was however upstaged by The Curious Case of Benjamin Button when it came to most nominations this year. The Brad Pitt-starrer bagged 13 nominations in all. Angelina Jolie-starrer Changeling, bagged 3 nominations as well. Surprise hit Iron Man also walked away with 2 nominations.

The mid-year monster, The Dark Knight bagged eight nominations in all including a posthumous ‘Best Supporting Actor’ nomination for Heath Ledger for his role as The Joker.

Amongst animated movies, Wall E stole the show with 6 nominations in all. Kung Fu Panda and Bolt received only one nomination each.  Horton Hears a Who, Igor and Madagascar 2 – Escape to Africa, however failed to get any nominations.

The 81st Annual Academy Award Ceremony will be held on 22nd February, 2009 and will be hosted for the first time by Hugh Jackman.

The Razzies

Mike Myers, M. Night Shyamalan, Paris Hilton and Mark Wahlberg are some of the big names that feature on the list of the bizarro Oscars a.k.a. The Razzies.

Mike Myers-starrer The Love Guru, received 7 nominations including ‘Worst Picture’, while Mark Wahlberg received a ‘Worst Actor’ nomination for his constipated performance in Max Payne, a movie this blog already lampooned earlier this year.

M.Night Shymalan featured once again at the Razzies after the disastrous Lady in the Water last year, with multiple nominations for The Happening, which also happens to star Mark Wahlberg.

Paris Hilton received her nomination for her part in The Hottie and the Nottie.

Amongst other names were Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher for Worst On-Screen Couple in What Happens in Vegas.

Sadly though,  Will Smith didn’t receive any nomination for Hancock! Guess you can’t have everything!

Tete-a-Tete with the Pakistani Prez


Ever since 26/11 , Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Sarkari has been like a turtle on a fence; he has no idea where he is, how he got there and how to get down and obviously thinks that all of this is some sick joke that a mean bully is playing on him.

None the less, we want answers from him. So here’s presenting an exclusive interview with the man of the hour himself, Asif Ali Sarkari.

JAM: Now that India has shared evidence, What is stopping Pakistan from recognizing, Ajmal Amir Kasab as a citizen of its country?

AAS: Let me assure my Indian brothers that we, here in Pakistan are still carrying out our own investigation regarding the nationality of Kasab. At this point we cannot totally ascertain that Kasab is a Pakistani citizen, but yes the evidence we have gathered from our initial investigations suggests that Kasab may have Pakistani links!

JAM: Wow Sir! That is a landmark announcement. Does this mean that Pakistan now accepts that the lone captured terrorist from the Mumbai attacks, Ajmal Amir Kasab belongs to Pakistan?

AAS: Easy there! Sheesh where do you amateurs get these ideas? I didn’t say any such thing!

JAM: But Sir, you just said that he may have Pakistani links?

AAS: My point exactly I said ‘MAY’. That confirms nothing, I MAY be a terrorist myself,You MAY be a terrorist too. But if you carefully notice there is a ‘MAY’ in both these sentences that seperates fact from speculation. Just because you feel that my aunt may be a man doesnt make her my uncle now, does it?

JAM: But, Sir even Nawaz Sharif said so!

AAS: You Indians still trust him after Kargil? That’s hilarious!

JAM: Sir,even your own national security advisor said so too. Are you saying he too cannot be trusted?

AAS: Is that the case? Hmm…that fellow is usually trustworthy. Wait, let me call him. I’ll be back in a minute, okay?

Hmm, Yes I just spoke to him. He just told me that it was all a misunderstanding, what he meant to say was that Kasab is in fact NOT a Pakistani. He’s really sorry for the confusion he may have created by making that statement. In fact he was so ashamed, that he offered his resignation!

JAM: Coming to something slightly more personal, was there any truth to your infamous nickname ‘Mr. 10 percent’?

AAS: What rubbish! This is utterly unprofessional on your part. I can sue you and your magazine for defamation! Go check your facts clearly!

JAM: My mistake Sir, sorry!

AAS: Well you should be! Never in my life and I mean NEVER have I accepted a 10% commission… I never accepted less than 30!

JAM: Is there any possibility that Pakistan will extradite the terrorists India has demanded?

AAS: As we mentioned earlier, if any of the alleged individuals are arrested on our soil, they will be tried and punished according to our laws. Extradition is out of the question. We however have a lot of other terrorists here, whom we will be sending shortly to India, once the whole 26/11 ruckus quietens.

JAM: Is your government serious in tackling terrorism? Or is it just an eyewash?

AAS: Listen boy, we are dead serious when it comes to terrorism! I, myself, am a victim of terror. The republic of Pakistan is dealing with these terrorists as we speak. And let me also assure, we are making them pay!

JAM: If that is the case indeed, why aren’t we seeing any results?

AAS:Well, what can I say! They pay too well!

JAM: So you are neither keen on extraditing terrorists to India, nor serious when it comes to tackling them on your own soil. How does that make you any different from Musharraf?

AAS: I’m a civilian!


Published in JAM Magazine’s 15th January – 30th January, 2009 Issue.

Wrong-a-Lingam Raju


Respected Members of the Board,
My job has become a double-edged sword
Today I am writing you this letter,
To shed my loads and feel much better.

I’ve been hiding a truth
Which has many facets
So here it goes
‘Satyam has no assets!’

You see, unlike I said before,
We don’t really have 7000 crore.
That cash in fact exists nowhere,
I pulled that figure out of thin air.

It started off as harmless fun
I made eleven from one and one.
But then it all got out of hand,
I swear, from thereon, nothing was planned.

I thought I’d be busted
When those fellows did the audit,
But even they didnt seem to spot it!

Yes, I admit,
I’ve been a coward,
I was riding a tiger,
Trying not to get devoured.

But now it seems
The cat can’t be beaten
So sayonara folks!
Guess I’ll soon be eaten.

I wish this didn’t happen,
I wish it weren’t so bad.
But now that it has,
I’m fleeing to Hyderabad!

That’s all I have to say
Before I pack and go
Sorry for your troubles
The CEO.

And Now…The Weather!


Mr. Weather Man
Please make this clear
Is there too much pollution
In atmosphere?
Or is there a hole again
In ozone layer?

Please to tell us
What is wrong with the weather
Summer and winter
Are happening together!

In the mornings
It is cold
So Im wearing pullover
By afternoon
It is hot again
And Im sweating all over

My body is thinking
This is some kind of joke
Sometimes Im having frostbite
And sometimes heat stroke.

I am praying
To the Weather God
That this will end soon
And if not that
Then at least
Don’t have winter mein monsoon!