Horrorscope 2009


Personally, I have no faith in horoscopes. But I understand some of you still do. So in order to change that, I present to you the Horrorscope for the year 2009. Remember, if you have a bad feeling about the year, you’re probably correct! Happy New Year!


Capricorn – If you haven’t celebrated your birthday already, there is a great chance that you will before 19th Jan.  You may or may not find true love this year. It’s a fifty-fifty chance to be honest.

Your lucky colours this year are fluorescent orange and magenta. Well, not really, but once you’re dressed like that, it can’t get any worse!

Aquarius – It may seem like the second month of the year is flying by too fast, but that’s just because February has 28 days!Good news and bad news for those of you who have been trying to get a promotion – you will get more responsibility and work longer hours…only you won’t be financially compensated for the same.

Your lucky colours this year will be shades of gold, yellow, bronze, green and violet-purple. All of this of course is pure speculation.

Pisces – You will be presented with many opportunities to make unexpected financial gains this year. Keep reminding yourself that end of season sales are bad ideas!  True love will come knocking on your door…only to find that you aren’t home.

Your lucky number is the square of 435667 multiplied by the cube-root of 6.34. We suggest you invest in a 12-digit scientific calculator soon.

Aries – Pay close attention to mundane details this year. Brush your teeth twice a day and wash your hands after you use the toilet. And remember, if it burns when you pee, its probably something serious. This public service announcement was brought to you by Just Pazz!

Taurus – You will feel optimistic and vibrant throughout the year. Unfortunately, no one gives a damn. Accept this harsh reality as soon as possible. You will meet your soul-mate in the month of May. Sadly, he/she is already taken. Don’t bother with lucky numbers and colours, this year is going to be one of your worst. On a brighter note, this won’t be THE worst.

Gemini – You will meet an attractive person from the opposite sex on a popular social networking site. A week later, that person will reveal to you that he is in fact a fat 45-year old uncle in an open relationship. We suggest you abandon Facebook at once. 

Wear a cyan-striped, fuchsia shirt  with lilac coloured pants every Monday. This won’t change your luck, but it will at least brighten everyone else’s Monday!

Cancer – You will suffer from at least one common cold this year due to an unexpected change of weather. Your boss will finally grant you that much-awaited vacation…only he will pronounce it as ‘lay-off’. Around the second half of the year, you will meet your soul-mate. Unfortunately this is the same 45 year old uncle we warned Gemini about.

Your lucky colour is white, but everytime you wear it, a crow will poop on you.

Leo – Besides weight gain, acne and unexplained hair growth, you will also make a small financial gain in a game of housie. Do not trust  Irrfan Khan , lifetime prepaid sucks. You will travel a lot this year. Unfortunately your boss will not pay you for conveyance. Embarrassing details that have been hidden and forgotten may resurface this year. Destroy your Xth standard slam-book at once!

Virgo – Plan a surprise for your loved one…dump him/her! A promising money-making scheme will present itself this year. Let us remind you once again that the pyramid scheme is a scam!  If you are in two minds about a particular situation, you’re probably wrong on both counts. The colours of the rainbow, especially if worn together will prove lucky for you .

Libra – You will be determined to make a difference at work with your enthusiasm and optimism, only to fail miserably. We suggest you continue to half-ass your job. An old flame will return to your life resulting in exciting romantic encounters. Unfortunately your partner will catch the two of you in the act and dump you on the spot. Try and avoid Taureans,  they’re going to have a miserable year.

Scorpio – There is a strong possibility of a change of residence after the bank seals your flat. You will develop a nasty rash in an unmentionable place which will seriously hamper your sex life. Be sure to use your ointment!

Your lucky number is the sum of your phone number multiplied by the exact value of pi.

Sagittarius – Finances will be good as long as you stay away from the stock market. A guest from a foreign land may visit you. This may also be an exotic virus with no known cure. A stray hicky will blow the lid off your secret relationship. Pay attention to what comes out of your nose ,your lucky colour is phlegm green