Testing…1-2-3, 1-2-3. Okay *ahem* Now I’m a guy who loves humour. (Wow really now? A humour writer who loves humour?) Okay, fine, forget that let’s start over. So WHAT IS THE DEAL with Indian stand up comedians? No? Too Seinfeld? Okay okay, last chance! Could stand up comedians in India BE any worse? Crap, that’s too Matthew Perry!
I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell I’m trying to do here. Well ladies and laydas, , what I’m trying to do in this badly written opening paragraph is to sound like our desi stand up comedians. In other words, ‘Confused and Unoriginal’! Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s grab our issue by the tetwa!
What really amuses me these days is that ‘Comedy’ shows are a runaway hit on TV despite the fact that 9 out of 10 of our self- proclaimed stand up comedians can’t make a humour-lover laugh (even if both his feet were being tickled by feathers as he watched TV). And mind it, that’s no exaggeration (Sacchi!)
Thanks to the fact that I’m a student of psychology who is well versed with scientific research methods, I have once again, for your convenience, analysed and categorized the different species of stand-up comics in India (What a brilliant placement of a shameless self-publicity plug, no?). After numerous long hours of watching Sidhu bang tables for no good reason and witnessing Shekhar Suman age in reverse, my efforts have finally taken the form of an extensively detailed research journal (which can be yours only for Rs.49,999/- wonly + plus illegal taxes). Being the modest and generous philanthropist that I am, I will share some choicest excerpts with you now for fukkat! Jao, tum bhi kya yaad karoge! Arrey array, don’t touch my feet, continue reading!
1) “Main Shayar To Nahi” Species: The name of these species of stand up comedians comes from their brilliant camouflaging skills. These creatures who were until recently believed to be funny men have been actually discovered by yours truly to be rasta chaap poets! They are found in heavy concentration in various god-forsaken, ‘duur duur tak kutte ka baccha bhi nahi dikhta’ types of Indian villages. They have a tendency to yap endlessly about haseenas, paseena, pyaar, takraar, khar, virar etc. in other words they talk, incomprehensible sparrow-dull rhymes. What makes these species distinctly annoying to an average person with an IQ higher than Tupperware is the fact that these ‘comedians’ recite their short 42 lines poems in a peculiarly monotonous tone, endlessly stretching the last syllable of each sentence.
For your better understanding, here’s an example of a likely poem by these species along with the probable reactions of the helpless crowds…
Arz kiya haiiiiii… (Waah waah! Abhi Arz to kar!)
Ke Maine us se kahaaa… (Subhan Allah! Kya kaha woh aaj batayega?)
Maine us se kahaaa…
Oh my dilrubaaa…
Mere paas to aaa…
Aur mujhe bataaa…
Kya hum do dil ek jaan haiii…?
* Uaaaaaaacckkkthuuu! *
Mere mooh mein to paan haiii…(Crowd spits out generous amounts of phlegm on shayar! Waah waah!)
2) ‘Makemicry’ Species: Before you scrabble junkies shoot irate emails to my bechara sub-ed saying that I’ve made a typo which they didn’t manage to catch, let me clarify that this is the name of the next species which comes from their profound love for cheap mimicry. Now don’t get me wrong, I love it as much as the next person when I hear a good Saif Ali Khan impression. In fact, I’ll go ahead and do one myself. ‘Wow! What’s da program yaar?’ Coming back to the point, though we all at some point liked mimicry, these species make sure that we stop liking it thanks to their horrible talents. Case histories reveal that 9 out of 10 such idiots started their careers in Comedy after winning talent shows at college fests where the judges were busy ogling at the laydeej. Distinctive features of these species include an utter lack of any comic talent whatsoever paired with the tendency to bleat like a goat crossbred with Shahrukh Khan every 2 minutes. Should we k-k-k-kontinue now, hmmm?
3) ‘Teri Maa, Meri Maa, Nirma!’ Species: Before you break into the ‘Paani mein reh ke bhi yeh kam gale…’ verse, I’d like to once again clarify that this is the name of our next species. These migrant species usually come in pairs from across the border and suffer from what Neo-Freudians refer to as Oedipus Complex 2.0. In aam aadmi terms this means that they are sexily attracted to each others mummyjis which explains the not-so-subtle double innuendo jokes they make at each others mom’s expense.
Here’s an example
1st Guy: Why did the rooster cross the road?
2nd Guy: Kyonki teri loose character waali ammi ne usse akele mein bulaya thaa…muhahahah!
1st Guy: Ullu ke bacche, teri ammi to mere abba ke saath jungle mein mangal kar rahi thi!
Sidhu: Oh guru! Maar suttya!
4) “Band Karo atyachaar, Khao Gainda-Chaap Achaar” Species: Ironically referred to as ‘Hasya Kavis’ on some occasions, these unfunny distant cousins of ‘Main Shayar to Nahin’ Species are great multi-taskers. They can include shots at politicians, raise social issues, make rasta-chaap poetry and include a publicity plug for a C-grade brand all in the same act. As I just mentioned, they supplement their shoestring salaries by endorsing various third class products such as ayurvedic balm, iron sariyas, isabgol and daad,khaj khujli lotions. A cross sectional research has shown that fans of India TV, Aaj Tak and readers of the other three-lettered magazine have a distinct liking for this kind of comedy. Distinguishing features of these species are their unusual middle names such as Narendra ‘Natkhat’ Niranjan, Akhilesh ‘Albela’ Agarwal, and Surinder ‘Sadela’ Shrivastava etc. for example.
The following poem should give you a better understanding of how these creatures operate,
Last week rabies-wala Tommy kuch aisa kaam kar gaya,
Frustration mein aa kar Netaji ko pichvade par bite kar gaya,
Par next night after bite, Netaji was allright,
Aur Tommy bechara mar gaya!
Fir sheher mein mach gayi ha-ha-kaar,
Kaise hua yeh chamatkaar?
Then thanks to sting operation by patrakaar,
Pata chala Netaji gave supari for Tommy’s murder aur balatkaar!
Band karo doggies ka shoshan!
This poem was brought to you by Kutta Chaap Khujli Lotion!