Now I’ve never really been a fan of the Big Fat Indian Wedding, unless of course it’s at a plush five star hotel with great food and desserts. Knowing this weakness of mine very well, JAM slipped me a CD called Dulhan Ko Dulha Pyara Lage and asked me to review it. Now, bear in mind, I’m the guy who reviewed a CD called Hey Chorrie on day one at JAM, so this was a piece of cake for me…or so I thought. Ladies and gentlemen, be prepared to witness the most perverse shaadi that you have ever heard of! Ladies hide your children….gentlemen hide your ladies…and then proceed to rip your eyeballs out with your bare hands the moment you are done reading this review. For your (in)convenience I have divided the album into phases which indicate what stage of this perverse marriage the songs pertain to. Now would you kindly excuse while I kill myself?
Phase One – The Engagement
Track 1: “Kangana Bole”
Alka Yagnik (more like Ultra-Sonic) sings this one. It refers to something about how wearing ‘Sajan ki Anguthi’ made the dulhan a heera. It also features the choicest sidey lines but here’s my pick: “Kangana bole khan-khana-khan, payal bole chan-chana-chan.” Waah waah! De dhana-dhan!
Track 2: “Ghar Mein Padharo Gajananji”
You know what ji? The name of this track ji is “Ghar Mein Padharo Gajananji”. If you haven’t figured out it’s a bhajan ji. Good ji, very good ji, now I’ll go and have Parle-G!
Phase Two: ‘Warming-up’ the Banna and Banni!
Track 3: “Haldi Lagao Rey”
This song is a trip-hop song about a bunch of chicks rubbing haldi ka uptan over a banna! Bachelor party if you ask me.
Catch this lyric: ‘Haldi lagao rey, tel chadao rey, Banne ka gora badan chamkao rey..ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhhh!’ Need I say more?
Upon hearing this line revolting images of a turmeric filled orgy flooded into my brain. I paused for 5 mins, slapped myself and moved on.
Track 4: “Hamari Banno Gulabon Ka Phool Thi?”
Notice the ‘thi’ in the title. That’s an indication of past tense in Hindi for those of you who may not know. In other words, the bride was a flower…now she’s…erm…deflowered!
Favorite Lyric: “Naazuk bahut hai Banni hamari, Sakhiyon ne ki jiski rakhwali.”
Revolting images of an anorexic Banni being ‘taken care of’ by equally repulsive sakhiyan flooded my mind upon hearing this gem. I splashed a bottle of chilled water on my face…bit my fist and moved on.
Phase Three: The Banna Gets Honky!
Track 5: ‘Hariyale Banne Kacchi Kaliyan Mat Todo!’
The title is the opening line of this song, the next line says ‘Maalan Degi Gaaliyan’. All in all that translates to ‘O! Green Leafy Groom. Don’t pluck flower buds or the gardener’s wife will hurl abuses at you.’ What an example of jhaadi ke peeche poetry!
Track 6: ‘Hariyala Banna Ladala’.
The Green Leafy Groom Returns! I think he’s like the Hulk…only leafy! This one talks about how green leafy groom uncle is getting restless…you know for the bride. So restless, that he starts to sing on this track! Kudos to Arun Bakshi. He sounds like a perverse middle age uncle who has a geriatric fetish. Don’t believe me? Read the following line – “Main Saasu Ji ko Dekh kar Nyumm Yumm…Shaadi Rachaa Loonga!” No further comments!
Phase Four: The Banna Gets Just Plain Nasty!
Track 7: “Banne Ki Ghodi Aaj Taaron Se”.
This one talks about Mr. Green Leafy Banna’s…ahem…shandaar ghodi and how he’s mounted the ghodi decorated with the stars in the sky…and how he’s getting honkier by the second.
I called PETA and moved on to the next track.
Phase Five: Exit Ghodi, Enter Chorrie!
Track 8: “Hamare Banno Kar Lo Solah Shringar”.
The ghodi is finally freed (Thanks PETA). Now the turmeric rubbing sahelis are propping the naazuk Banni up and getting her ready for her..erm…suhaag.
Favorite Line: “Hamari Banno kar Lo solah shringar ke aaya hai suhaag aaj tere anganaa.”
I get a feeling this will only get more graphic as we go long. Oh Jesus Ramakrishna! Help me!
Track 9: “Banni se Banna Pyaara Laage”.
Now the Banna and Banni finally meet and their fraands ‘size them up’. Prett soon they’ll be at it like bannis I mean bunnies!
The Nyumm Yumm line is still haunting me. I realize that it’s best I finish this album review as soon as possible so I can check myself into a padded cell!
Phase Six : The Teary Farewell!
Track 10: “Beti To Paraya Dhan Hoti Hai”
Now the shaadi is done with ‘Dhoom’ and the banni becomes the life-long gharwali of the Banna. The sakhis and sahelis are sad. ‘One less anorexic bimbette to rub turmeric over’, they feel. It’s a sad day indeed.
Phase Seven : The Shocking Revelation!
Track 11: “Mujhe Bulane Laga”.
It is revealed the Mr.Green Leafy Banna and Anorexic Naazuk Banni are childhood fraands.
Quote: ‘Banna Banni ko ishaara karke poochta hai, “Kya bachpan ke din yaad hai?” Cheeeeeeeee pervert!!