Kids (sniff) they grow up so fast! Wasn’t it yesterday that you held your mommy’s finger and waddled towards your first day and howled like a banshee when mommy waved good-bye? Remember how mommy said she’d be right back to pick you up just so you’d stop crying? High-school sure was fun na? What? Why are you looking at me like that? Didn’t everyone else do that too? Fine, laugh! I don’t care what you think of me. My mommy says I’m a big brave boy. Daddy too hopes this is true because I’m now in my final year of college. Now you may think I’m the cream of the crop when it comes to nut-jobs, but trust me, in my five years of college, there’s never been a dearth of weirdos around me to make me feel less like a freak. I’ve carefully observed such interesting fellow students and classified them under various categories with detailed descriptions written in point form in besht handwriting so that when I’m a big boy, I can get a Ph.D. Presenting a select few specimens from the vast array of weird college students!
1) ‘Aaj Kurt Cobain ki Punya Tithi Hai’ Species – To the untrained eye, these kinds of students may look like long-haired guys who have bad-hair days throughout the week. But upon closer inspection one notices a strikingly distinct trait about them – an old ragged faded black Nirvana t-shirt. It’s a different story that these guys know only one Nirvana song viz. ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ (though they have no idea what its lyrics mean). They claim to be inspired by such deeply philosophical pearls of wisdom uttered by the great man himself such as ‘I feel stupid and contagious’. Apparently these guys have vowed to look perpetually depressed until Courtney Love, their equivalent of the devil dies and ‘goes to a lake of fire and fries!’
2) ‘The Transformers’ Species – These predominantly female species are known for a unique ability. The same sundar, susheel bitiya raani who leaves home covered head to toe with enough oil in her hair to cause barrel prices to rise, suddenly dons a new avatar when she reaches college and returns to her original avatar when it’s time to go home. In other words, sati becomes slutty and vice-versa. Recent research has discovered two variants of these species. The first one lacks the ability to transform from behenji to babe while the other cannot turn from babe to behenji again. These species are however in great demand for Balaji serials and TV shows like Roadies.
3) ‘Su Che, Saaru Che’ Species – These species were first confused with the predominantly gujju ‘Tera Tera Tera Suroor Species’, but in depth research revealed that they were in fact they were distant relatives of the ‘Aaj Kurt Cobain ki Punya Tithi Hai’ Species. These species are distinguished from the others thanks to their undying devotion to Cuban guerilla war hero Che Guevara. Che may have kicked the bucket nearly half a century ago, but these guys follow the maxim, ‘Don’t be a balti, continue buying Che t-shirts’.They also have extensive knowledge about Che. In fact a recent survey revealed that nine out of ten such creatures think that The Motorcycle Diaries is a show on Discovery Travel and Living.
4) ‘Dharna Zaroori Hai’ Species – These are extremely aggressive creatures usually dressed in white kurta pyjama and safari suits who love to socialize. Their favorite activities include designing catchy placards, making life-like effigies and colourful shoe garlands, painting things black and randomly setting fire to things. They actively surface only when colleges re-open and when Student Union elections are held. The rest of the time they remain dormant and utilise their time promoting signature campaigns that demand that easily pronounceable road-names be changed to tongue-twisters. They also can fast unto death (between meals) for days on end without much discomfort!