Dulhan ko Dulha Pyaara Lage!

Standard

Now I’ve never really been a fan of the Big Fat Indian Wedding, unless of course it’s at a plush five star hotel with great food and desserts. Knowing this weakness of mine very well, JAM slipped me a CD called Dulhan Ko Dulha Pyara Lage and asked me to review it. Now, bear in mind, I’m the guy who reviewed a CD called Hey Chorrie on day one at JAM, so this was a piece of cake for me…or so I thought. Ladies and gentlemen, be prepared to witness the most perverse shaadi that you have ever heard of! Ladies hide your children….gentlemen hide your ladies…and then proceed to rip your eyeballs out with your bare hands the moment you are done reading this review. For your (in)convenience I have divided the album into phases which indicate what stage of this perverse marriage the songs pertain to. Now would you kindly excuse while I kill myself?

Phase One – The Engagement

Track 1: “Kangana Bole”

Alka Yagnik (more like Ultra-Sonic) sings this one. It refers to something about how wearing ‘Sajan ki Anguthi’ made the dulhan a heera. It also features the choicest sidey lines but here’s my pick: “Kangana bole khan-khana-khan, payal bole chan-chana-chan.” Waah waah! De dhana-dhan!

Track 2: “Ghar Mein Padharo Gajananji”

You know what ji? The name of this track ji is “Ghar Mein Padharo Gajananji”. If you haven’t figured out it’s a bhajan ji. Good ji, very good ji, now I’ll go and have Parle-G!

Phase Two: ‘Warming-up’ the Banna and Banni!

Track 3: “Haldi Lagao Rey”

This song is a trip-hop song about a bunch of chicks rubbing haldi ka uptan over a banna! Bachelor party if you ask me.

Catch this lyric: ‘Haldi lagao rey, tel chadao rey, Banne ka gora badan chamkao rey..ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhhh!’ Need I say more?

Upon hearing this line revolting images of a turmeric filled orgy flooded into my brain. I paused for 5 mins, slapped myself and moved on.

Track 4: “Hamari Banno Gulabon Ka Phool Thi?”

Notice the ‘thi’ in the title. That’s an indication of past tense in Hindi for those of you who may not know. In other words, the bride was a flower…now she’s…erm…deflowered!

Favorite Lyric: “Naazuk bahut hai Banni hamari, Sakhiyon ne ki jiski rakhwali.”

Revolting images of an anorexic Banni being ‘taken care of’ by equally repulsive sakhiyan flooded my mind upon hearing this gem. I splashed a bottle of chilled water on my face…bit my fist and moved on.

Phase Three: The Banna Gets Honky!

Track 5: ‘Hariyale Banne Kacchi Kaliyan Mat Todo!’

The title is the opening line of this song, the next line says ‘Maalan Degi Gaaliyan’. All in all that translates to ‘O! Green Leafy Groom. Don’t pluck flower buds or the gardener’s wife will hurl abuses at you.’ What an example of jhaadi ke peeche poetry!

Track 6: ‘Hariyala Banna Ladala’.

The Green Leafy Groom Returns! I think he’s like the Hulk…only leafy! This one talks about how green leafy groom uncle is getting restless…you know for the bride. So restless, that he starts to sing on this track! Kudos to Arun Bakshi. He sounds like a perverse middle age uncle who has a geriatric fetish. Don’t believe me? Read the following line – “Main Saasu Ji ko Dekh kar Nyumm Yumm…Shaadi Rachaa Loonga!” No further comments!

Phase Four: The Banna Gets Just Plain Nasty!

Track 7: “Banne Ki Ghodi Aaj Taaron Se”.

This one talks about Mr. Green Leafy Banna’s…ahem…shandaar ghodi and how he’s mounted the ghodi decorated with the stars in the sky…and how he’s getting honkier by the second.

I called PETA and moved on to the next track.

Phase Five: Exit Ghodi, Enter Chorrie!

Track 8: “Hamare Banno Kar Lo Solah Shringar”.

The ghodi is finally freed (Thanks PETA). Now the turmeric rubbing sahelis are propping the naazuk Banni up and getting her ready for her..erm…suhaag.

Favorite Line: “Hamari Banno kar Lo solah shringar ke aaya hai suhaag aaj tere anganaa.”

I get a feeling this will only get more graphic as we go long. Oh Jesus Ramakrishna! Help me!

Track 9: “Banni se Banna Pyaara Laage”.

Now the Banna and Banni finally meet and their fraands ‘size them up’. Prett soon they’ll be at it like bannis I mean bunnies!

The Nyumm Yumm line is still haunting me. I realize that it’s best I finish this album review as soon as possible so I can check myself into a padded cell!

Phase Six : The Teary Farewell!

Track 10: “Beti To Paraya Dhan Hoti Hai”

Now the shaadi is done with ‘Dhoom’ and the banni becomes the life-long gharwali of the Banna. The sakhis and sahelis are sad. ‘One less anorexic bimbette to rub turmeric over’, they feel. It’s a sad day indeed.

Phase Seven : The Shocking Revelation!

Track 11: “Mujhe Bulane Laga”.

It is revealed the Mr.Green Leafy Banna and Anorexic Naazuk Banni are childhood fraands.

Quote: ‘Banna Banni ko ishaara karke poochta hai, “Kya bachpan ke din yaad hai?” Cheeeeeeeee pervert!!

Advertisements

Batman : The Dark Knight Review

Standard

To say that The Dark Knight was merely one of eagerly awaited movies of the year would be a great understatement. With a promotional campaign that could rival Barack Obama’s presidential campaign, The Dark Knight had fans, critics and trade pundits convinced that it would be a super hit that would smash box-office records to smithereens even before it was released. I for one though have always been of the opinion that with great hype comes great expectations…expectations which are often not met leading to great flops. This time around however, I must utter one the riskiest statements a reviewer can make…’Believe the hype!’

On face value, a guy in a bat-suit fighting an evil clown may not exactly be anyone’s idea of an ‘edge of your seat’ thriller, but thanks to a cracker of a script penned by the Nolan brothers that grabs the viewer by the jugular from the opening scene itself, The Dark Knight is certain to go down as one of, if not the best superhero movie ever made. Director Christopher Nolan has easily surpassed the likes of Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk and all the three Spider-Man installments with this one. In a genre dominated by tales of spandex-clad heroes battling larger than life villains, The Dark Knight is a dark, disturbing masterpiece.

Unlike his counterparts, Batman (Christian Bale) is the least bit heroic. In fact he is shockingly human and acutely aware of the fact that he is ‘not the hero the city deserves’. Bale therefore shows great restraint in his performance and not once goes over the top in his portrayal of both The Batman and the debauch multi-millionaire Bruce Wayne. So who then steals the show if not hero himself?, you may wonder. The answer to that is the villain!

Believe me when I say this, the late Heath Ledger is spine-chillingly brilliant in his portrayal of psychopathic, stone-cold murderer, The Joker. Ledger reportedly lived in isolation for a month researching and getting into character to the point where it started to take a toll on his sleep. The result; Ledger is so damned convincing as The Joker that one wonders whether he acted or lived his character in the movie. If that statement is beyond you, I suggest you go watch his performance and then see for yourself whether you have any words for it. I certainly don’t!

But let’s not forget a little somebody called Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart). On any other given day in any other superhero flick, Eckhart would steal the show with his portrayal of Two-Face, but thanks to Heath Ledger’s superlative effort, his performance appears above-average at best in comparison. Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman too reprise their roles with grace thereby making it clear that not a single character compromises on the quality of acting in this movie.

The Dark Knight is much more than a super-hero movie. It’s a cold, dark, disturbing, thought-provoking crime thriller, the likes of which are a few and far between. The pacing of the movie is such that even the 150 minute length flies by before you know it. Be it the CGIs, or the near-perfect comic book adaptations or the subtly-scary background score or the dialogues, The Dark Knight is a winner on all counts. What else can I say then besides that this is one of the best movies (of any kind) of the year? Do yourself a favour and watch this one… and if you’ve got a spare ticket send it my way!

Rating: 4½ out of 5 .

What the Ratings Mean:

0 – Terrible Beyond Imagination
1 – Mostly Pathetic
2 – Strictly OK
3 – Good
4 – Very Good
5 – Bow Down and Worship!

Hancock Review

Standard

Someone give him a Nobel Peace Prize already, lest he makes more movies where he saves the world. Be it Independence Day or Men in Black or I-Robot, it seems like Will Smith just can’t resist signing sci-fi flicks where he eventually must save (some part of) the planet. Considering that none of the aforementioned flicks were commercial disasters, Director Peter Berg must have thought that by casting Will Smith as John Hancock , the movie would be a hit regardless of how badly made it was.

Hancock, if I were to describe it in two words is a ‘royal mess’. The script though it looks unique has too many loose ends, leaving the viewer confused and annoyed. The movie starts steadily with a couple of funny moments but soon loses its way, only to regain it later…just to lose it once again. Performance-wise, Will Smith almost mechanically goes through the motions, not even once looking like he could save the movie. Charlize Theron, an immensely talented actress looks stunningly different but that’s about it. Jason Bateman too is thoroughly wasted in this one.

It really doesn’t make sense why this film was made the way it was. On paper it had everything that would make a wonderful movie, but somehow all of that went out the window. Though the movie has somehow made big bucks at the box-office, it’s one of the most disappointing releases of the year for this reviewer at least. Watch it if you like to see Will Smith save the world, or else just save your cash!

Rating: 2 out of 5.

What the Ratings Mean:

0 – Terrible Beyond Imagination
1 – Mostly Pathetic
2 – Strictly OK
3 – Good
4 – Very Good
5 – Bow Down and Worship!

Fir se In Conversation With Pazz!

Standard

This is technically my interview, done by a guy called Sameer Jha who claims to have done his MBA from the prestigious IIM-A at a tender age of 17 (or is that 16). How he did it? You ask. He did so by cracking the DOG ( i.e. Directory of Gaalis), and then he went on to complete his Masters in Behen Abuses from Indian Institute of Mother-Behen Abuses. So without further ado, here’s the interview!


Statutory Warning:

“The mental injuries suffered due to this interview is not covered by the insurance companies.”

You know, this is arguably the worst interview in the world. It’s even worse than “sada hua tamatar ka fafoondi wala chatni.” I hope you got the point.

So, now put the ambulance no. on speed dial, coz dudes and dudettes (it’s the feminine ver. of dude.) you are gonna need it.

Sameer:

Hey Pazz,

(Paras won’t tell u but his name’s been inspired from the failed wwe commentator Tazz. )

So you’ve just pazzed your SYBA, what do you intend to after one more year? Except of course, bragging uncontrollably about your stint at JAM. 😛

Paras:

Well you’re right about the name being stolen…but I stole it from the Looney Toon – Taz a.k.a. Tasmanian Devil. As far as uncontrollable bragging goes, I didn’t ‘just pass’ I topped SYBA muhahahaha. After another year I plan to go back to JAM so I have more fodder to brag about.

Sameer:

You are studying psychology, if I am not wrong… did the idea of getting yourself checked cross your mind?

Paras:

Well as the old saying goes ‘Physician heal thyself’. Now last time I checked my physician held an MBBS degree not an MA in psychology. So technically the idea does not apply to me. I assure you that there is nothing wrong with me. The voices inside my head agree with the same. Say…why does that ink-blot look like a flying dog to me:-??

Sameer:

What’d u do if stranded on an island with Aarti Chhabria?

Paras:

Firstly who is Aarti Chabbria?

(Dudes and Dudettes, Aarti is the item girl of shootout. The “Unke Nashe Mein” girl. She also has movies like Raja Bhaiya, Teesri Aankh – The Hidden Camera, Ssukh, among others.)

Sameer:

Okay then, When was the last time u got abused for what u’ve written?

Paras:

Well this one time, I had written a column on one hit wonders and I was made to realize that my column was flawed by fans of certain artists mentioned in article. You see, they presented a very valid argument
1) I was something that rhymed with ‘Gas-pole’
2) My taste in music was something that rhymed with ‘Ducking Guitar-Ted’
3) I was a ‘Ducking Guitar-Ted Gas Pole’
In light of those facts I was prompted to apologize to them in a manner like they had presented their grievances to me
Here’s my response. It rhymed with the sentence
“Shrew yoo brother-dockers!”
P.S. That answer was ‘inspired’ by Dave Barry – an awesome humor writer

Sameer:

Oh yeah, Okay then, according to c-grade filmy blogs… you’re the writer of “Tamatar Juice, Aa ke choos…” Is it true?

Paras:

Thats absolutely false. I was the author of the hit story ‘Dont be conphuse- Look at my tarbooz’ get your facts right!

Sameer:

Okay… some great writer wrote… “Late to bed and late to rise, makes a woman funny , sexy and nice.” Your comments.

Paras:

Was it the same guy who wrote ‘early to bed and early to rise makes your girl go out with other guys’?

Sameer:

“Early to bed and Late to rise, makes me rub my sweet lil’ eyes..” That’s what he wrote.

Paras:

Did that guy also write ‘early to bed early to rise, chilli sauce goes well with French fries?’

Sameer:

You know, we’ve just provided the much needed non- narcotic induced sleep in this insomniac world … So will move on to the next question…. according to sources, u wanted to be a hip hop artist when a kid…?

Paras:

Don’t listen to ishq bector, he’s a liar and he stole all my rhymes!

Sameer:

That’s sad… But what’s also sad is that YOU were the creative mind behind that Amul Macho ad?

(To The Ad Agency,
I want to get sued.)

Sameer:

But then they betrayed you… and pulled you out of the credits…how sad did it feel?

Paras:

Yes….my original idea was yeh to bada boing hai with a kangaroo and not a monkey
but I was very confused as to why amul butter wanted an ad where someone was washing a pair of undies.
Maybe I got it wrong?

Sameer:

WOW!! Thank god they ditched you. BTW, you tried for The great Indian laughter challenge and there you achieved the impossible… you made Sidhu sit through your piece with a straight face…

Paras:

I actually told him that Perizaad Kolah digs men who can hide their emotions.

And plus,
my set was laden with kick-ass jokes,
take for example,
what is the opposite of churchgate??
cant guess na!
Eros!!!

See theres no market for good humor in India

Sameer:

“see theres no market for good humor in India”… Is that the only reason why JAM sells…?

Paras:

No thats the reason why you find the other three-lettered magazine even at Kopar-Khairne station

(I think pazz, was referring to DNA. But that’s not a magazine. I think he’s got it wrong.)

Sameer:

So, Pazz, as you would be the perfect person to ask… what’s the secret of becoming an extremely egotistic person…?

Paras:

Well most people would not tell you this..because they dont know it. I on the other hand do know it. You see, I am different from the rest. I see things the way the others dont. I guess it has always come to naturally to me.
You see the point? Just use a lot of I’s and me’s :p

(Hell Yeah!! Toldja he’s da right guy to ask.)

Paras:

Hmm… How many questions do u wanna do in total?

(Even he is bored… Aaarrrrggghhh… I have decided to end it pretty soon.)

Sameer:

Okay, so how does it feel to have last word in arguably the worst interview in the world…

Paras:

I hope you don’t expect to get hits on your blog thanks to this interview :p. i hope you have a pseudonym ;)) but what I finally wanna say is that people are more wasted than we are :p, because regardless of how big a waste of time this is…. there’s still people who will read this interview and expect something enriching out of it ;))

Sameer:

Woh sab toh theek hai…. but What’s pseudonym??

Paras:

An alias so that people don’t know that you were party to the worst interview in history.
That would screw your writing career before it began ;))

Sameer:

It’s a lot of hardwork you know…
Passion, Dedication, Invigilation, Evaporation, Condensation, Distillation, Desperation and every other nation except The United nation… everything’s required…

Paras:

Ahh yes. Of Course.

PS: If you’ve read this far, then You Are Definitely a fan of Sunny Deol movies. Guess what, so is Sameer… So, head over to his humor blog http://www.funthusia.com for some fun! Saale Sameer, you better pay me royalty!

Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na Review

Standard

I could only fathom two reasons for the amount of campaigning Aamir Khan did before the release of this movie – Jaane Tu…was either a disastrous movie that Aamir was trying to save via a great publicity campaign or the fact that Aamir believed it was that damn good. After watching it, the answer seems to lie between the two extremes. Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na is certainly not a launch vehicle going straight to hell like Love Story 2050.

One of the biggest reasons why Jaane Tu…will not suffer the same fate as the over-budgeted, futuristic dud that released on the same weekend is the fact that its lead actor Imran Khan can definitely act! He’s no Aamir (or even Darsheel for that matter) but you have to say that he pulls off the role of a mild-mannered, lovable, college-going chocolate boy more genuinely than the likes of Shahid Kapoor. Everytime Imran appears on screen it looks lesser like he’s trying to act and more like he’s being himself on screen. The fact that he’s so comfortable in his skin on screen and doesn’t require macho action scenes and suave dance moves to get the audiences to love him are testimony to his talent. One can see an Aamir Khan influence in that regard at least.

Coming to his leading lady, one has to say that for someone who was written off after her disastrous debut opposite Riteish Deshmukh Tujhe Meri Kasam, Genelia D’Souza delivers a performance that should ensure that she doesn’t need to head down south due to lack of Bollywood offers like the last time. She’s the kind of actress that you’ll either fall in love or totally despise depending on the context in which she’s portrayed. But by placing her into the shoes of an effervescent, tomboyish, Bombay-hindi speaking, college girl debutante director Abbas Tyrewala delivers a masterstroke.

In fact that is the case with this movie more often than not. Actors who would stick out like sore thumbs in any other movie, fit snugly into the script. Where else would you look forward to seeing Arbaaz and Sohail Khan? Paresh Rawal too, who has been wasted to no end by the now-jaded and unfunny Priyadarshan shines in a well-written cameo. But the best cameos in this one come from Ratna Pathak-Shah and Naseeruddin Shah. The couple’s real-life chemistry translates easily on screen, even though Naseeruddin Shah is confined to a photo-frame throughout the movie. Prateik Babbar who plays Genelia’s brother too must be praised

And finally kudos to AR Rahman once again for his versatility as a musician. Who else in India can cater to movies as diverse as Jodhaa Akbar and Jaane Tu… in the same year whilst doing equal justice to both?

On the flipside however, one wonders why the sublime Rajat Kapoor was wasted so wantonly in a movie where he could have worked wonders. And for the last time, do we really need an abusive Casanova type fiancé to convince the leading lady about her love for the lead-guy? The group chemistry too hasn’t been tapped to its fullest potential a la Rang De Basanti. Instead we have strategically placed token Gujju guy jokes, which though funny, cannot make up for the lack of footage given to the rest of the characters.

At the end of the day, Jaane Tu…Ya Jaane Na alternates between a witty and a ‘throw-your-brains-out-the-window’ movie with more wittiness than zaniness. This may not be the movie of the year, nor the defining youth movie in Bollywood. But it’s a genuine entertainer which gifts Bollywood a new, easy to love, accessible, non-wooden star – Imran Khan. He can defnitely act, saala!

Rating: 3 out of 5.

What the Ratings Mean:

0 – Terrible Beyond Imagination
1 – Mostly Pathetic
2 – Strictly OK
3 – Good
4 – Very Good
5 – Bow Down and Worship!

Kung Fu Panda Review

Standard

I watched Get Smart last week and had more than a few laughs. But at the end of it, the feeling that I got was that, though funny, it wasn’t the funniest movie of the year. Turns out that’s true because that title deservedly goes to Kung Fu Panda.

Ever since the success of the Shrek enterprise, animated movies have been looked at as serious cash cows and not just amusement for the kids which has resulted in grander publicity, bigger stars and budgets and slicker animation over the years. But at the end of the day, it’s a well written script that takes a movie places. In that sense none of the animated offerings in recent times save for the Shrek series and Madagascar have been seriously funny. That trend however is changed by the monochromatic, rotund bear from the far-east Po a.k.a. Kung Fu Panda.

Without giving too much of the story away, Kung Fu Panda is about how Po is picked over the ‘Furios Five’ (Monkey, Tigress, Crane, Mantis and Viper) by accident by the Gods as the dragon warrior who must battle the evil Tai Lung and bring peace to the province. The Gods have made a small miscalculation though, Po doesn’t exactly have any Kung-Fu skills. Heck he can’t even see his own toes! But as Grand Master Oogway – the great Kung-fu master and the divine emissary, insists that the Gods never leave anything to chance and hence Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman) must work with what he has and keep the faith that Po – the dragon warrior can indeed do something besides eating!

Voiced by Jack Black (who also voiced for Shark Tale), clumsily lovable Po is right up there with the likes of Donkey from Shrek and King Julian from Madagascar when it comes to being absolutely hilarious. Jack Black certainly deserves praise for how well his voice blends with the animated character. That apart Grand Master Oogway, the slow, ever cheerful, all knowing tortoise (Randall Duk Kim) and Mr.Ping the goose (who is Po’s dad!) voiced by James Hong are the other stand-out characters in this movie.

The script and the dialogues are top-notch and in fact draw more attention and applause than the spectacular CGIs. Add the fact that this movie has no unfunny spoofs or unnecessary song and dance and what you get is possibly one of the funniest animated movies you have ever watched. Kung-fu your way through the crowds and watch this one the very day it comes out, it’s that damn good!

Rating: 4 ½ out of 5.

What the Ratings Mean:

0 – Terrible Beyond Imagination
1 – Mostly Pathetic
2 – Strictly OK
3 – Good
4 – Very Good
5 – Bow Down and Worship!

Get Smart Review

Standard

Get Smart PosterIn a year that has been so far dominated by super-hero flicks, this Hollywood adaptation of Mel Brooks’ 1960 spy parody series Get Smart is definitely a breath of fresh air. For some it may seem like a Hollywood avatar of Johnny English. That however, would be a gross understatement. So how smart a movie is Get Smart? Let’s find out, shall we?

This movie brings two of the funniest men in Hollywood, Steve Carell and Alan Arkin, together for the first time since the Academy Award winning Little Miss Sunshine. Though this time it’s Carell who steals the show as Maxwell Smart, Alan Arkin as The Chief significantly adds to the laughter quotient of this movie. Carell is expectedly hilarious and will have you falling off your seat on more than one occasion.

But it’s not just Steve Carell all the way, the banter between Terrence Stamp as the villainous Siegfried and his henchman Dalip (The Great Khali), produces some of the funniest one-liners I’ve heard. Take for example this insult that Siegfried hurls at the big guy: “I’ve found a replacement for you…it’s called a rhinoceros!” One-liners apart, the 007 spoofs are seriously funny.

Overall the movie throws up more than a few laughs and some of the scenes are as funny as anything you will ever see. Consistency however is a problem. The love angle between Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 (Anne Hathway), though more funny than romantic is an unnecessary digression.

At the end of the day, Get Smart may not be as funny as Robinhood: The Men in Tights, Little Miss Sunshine or even the TV-series The Office but light-years ahead of duds like Meet The Spartans . Go watch this one, it’s unlikely that you’ll regret it.

Rating: 3 ½ out of 5.

What the Ratings Mean:

0 – Terrible Beyond Imagination
1 – Mostly Pathetic
2 – Strictly OK
3 – Good
4 – Very Good
5 – Bow Down and Worship!