The great Homer Simpson once said, “If you don’t like your job, don’t quit. Just go in everyday and half-ass it!” Anyone can put in a few extra hours, bend their back a bit more and do their job well…but that’s no fun! The real challenge lies in making it look as if you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to the insane stress levels of your job without actually having to break a sweat!
What’s that you say? You don’t know how to do it? Sigh! Do I have to show you everything now? Fine! Stop making those puppy eyes, you know I can’t say no to a mug like that! Chalo, grab a pen and paper quickly and take notes! Presenting – 25 Master Plans to Avoid Work.
25. When all your projects are overdue throw in big pseudo-philosophical quotes like “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.” For added effect use rhyming quotes such as “Quality before quantity”
24. Tell your boss that a 2-hour nap every afternoon increases productivity. Cite Mexico’s example. Happy siesta!
23. Tell your boss that knowledge absorbing capacity shoots up ten-fold if naptime is followed by playtime. Cite kindergarten as an example! Happy pakda-pakdi!
22. Get board games like Monopoly, Snakes and Ladders, Ludo and Cluedo to work and say that it helps build rapport amongst co-workers and enhances problem-solving skills!
21. Play Wikipedia Tag! Where else can ‘Stem-cell research’ lead you to ‘Undertaker Hell in a Cell Match’?
20. Grab sketch pens of different hues and blank sheets of chart paper. Doodle away for the next 3 hours. If the boss interrupts, tell him you’re making mind-maps!
19. Get a fake medical certificate saying that you have a deficiency of Vitamin D and convince your boss that you need to take a stroll in the sun at regular intervals.
18. Arrange for a screening of An Inconvenient Truth. Then switch off your computer for an hour everyday and say that you are trying to reduce your carbon footprint.
17. Under-promise – If the boss says “I want this done in a week”, say “I might finish it in two weeks.” Then finish your work in ten days and slack off!
16. Get another fake medical certificate. This time it should say that you can’t wake up on time because of a genetic defect that confuses your biological clock.
15. Refuse to work saying that keyboards are dirtier than toilet seats.
14. If the boss pulls a fast one and asks you to work with a pen and paper old school style, lecture him/her about how rainforests are being chopped down to produce paper. Screen An Inconvenient Truth again if needed!
13. Open up a blank MS-Word document and and stare at the screen as if you are waiting for the greatest idea since the small pox cure.
12. Tell your boss you need to discuss important projects with your coworkers, then get a bunch of notepads and pens and gather your co-workers in the conference room… and start a Name, Place, Animal, Thing tournament.
11. Get at least 5 different serious newspapers each morning to your desk. Proceed to solve the Su-Doku and Crossword columns in each publication.
10. Go on strike saying that you won’t resume work till Tibet is freed.
9. Accuse a fellow employee who poked you on Facebook of sexual harassment.
8. Accuse the same employee again. This time say he Superpoked you! Haww!
7. Switch your computer off for 2 hours a day now! Erasing your carbon footprint ain’t so easy after all!
6. Sit at your PC the whole day replying to emails from generous Nigerians who want to ‘enter into a fruitful business partnership with you by giving $250,000′
5. Download a virus.
4. Spend the next few days getting rid of the same virus
3. Call the health department saying that your Boss has contracted Bird Flu and needs to be quarantined immediately!
2. Arrive 15 minutes early, finish all your assignments ahead of time, stay back and do overtime. Your boss will be very impressed and not bother you for the next 3 weeks at least. Slack off to your hearts content then.
1. In the interest of slacking off, I will not write another tip!