Pazz’s Three for Five


Yes pumpkins, it’s that time of the year again when yours truly loses all his marbels. Some say it’s the heat, others say I was dropped on the head many times as a child, no one really knows. While scientists wither away their grey matter pondering over the all important question, “Why exactly does Pazz make such stupid posts?” here’s another stupid post by Pazz. In fact this is the first of a series of columns where I will entertain absolutely random questions from fraands and non-fraands about anything from the rising inflation to Lakshmipathy Balaji’s back injury and everything else in between. Presenting Pazz’s Three for Five…Three questions…Five Minutes…Understanding, No?

First Question
Dear Pazz,
Why does a man looking at the moon feel he is in love?
Elphie from Interiors of Borivali National Park.

Dear Elphie,
This issue has in fact been addressed by many other renowned scientists and astronomers in the past but everytime they tried to come out with the truth they were attacked by a half-man, half-Anil Kapoor werewolf types creature. I however will risk life and limb and answer this question for you.
You see when the moon is full, the tide is at its highest. At this time, the half-man, half-Anil Kapoor werewolf uncle searches for his next victim. He poses as a salesman for Fairglow fairness cream and approaches his unsuspecting victim. He then proceeds to say, ‘Sirf Fairglow deta hai aapko Chaand jaise gorapan’. Please to looking up to sky’. When the poor victim looks skywards and sees black spots on the moon, he realizes that Abhishek Bacchan was saying the truth in the movie Tera Jadoo Chal Gaya when he sang, ‘Tujhpe to fir bhi daag hai, Mera chand to bedaag hai’. (View video below)

But before he can react, the tidal pull of the full moon raises the blood level in his head by 30 microns as a result of which the ‘Love Sector’ of the brain is activated instead of the ‘Anger and Disgust as a result of seeing Anil Kapoor shirtless Sector’. And that explains why a man staring at the moon feels that he is in love. Wait do you hear that sound…it’s coming closer… Aaaaaarrrrggghh….it’s Half-man Half-Anil Kapoor werewolf type uncle!

Second Question

Have you heard about the man who fell off the earth?
Binnyboi from Thiruvala

Dear Binnyboi,
Yes indeed, I have heard of the man who fell off the earth, and I even attempted to catch him. Let me tell you the whole story in detail. The reason why the man, Brijmohan Kunjprakash, fell off the earth is because of the Vodafone pug. Yes that same innocent looking doggie who tries to tell everyone that he is ‘Happy to Help’. It so happened that one day Brijmohan Kunjprakash wanted to call his gullphraand in Bhilai and tell her that all was kushal mangal in Mumbai. But you see since, Bhilai does not have very good Vodafone coverage, his gullphraand decided to use Aircel which has much better coverage. Now Aircel has a very limited circle (approximately farther than the cows go to graze before they sit down lazily and ruminate for the rest of the day). So Aircel transfers to Idea and Idea to BSNL and BSNL to Spice Telecom and Spice Telecom to BPL and BPL to Reliance and Reliance to Virgin and Virgin to Indicom and then Kajol runs to the to Vodafone pug who then gallops to you till he collapses.

Poor Brijmohan Kunjprakash did not know this and thought that he would be charged by standard STD calling rates. But when he heard the robotic recorded voice say ‘Your balance is very low’ he fell backwards and strangely instead of falling down and busting his head open, his feet shot up vertically and then Brijmohan began floating mysteriously in the air. Yes I did try to stop him and even managed to grab his shoe. But his shoe came off, and ever since that day, Brijmohan Kunjprakash has been floating in outer space.

Third question

Why do all Bhootni aunties carry candles? I mean this is the 21st century?
Khooni Dracula ki Behen

Dear Miss Khooni Dracula ki Behen,
As you may know, the Ramsay brothers were at one point the most popular horror movie directors in India. Movies like Saamri, Khooni Dracula, Bhaago Bhoot Aaya, Paapi Gudiya etc etc, are horror classics. At that time, the Ramsay brothers used to have their headquarters in the posh areas of south Mumbai. But then in the early 2000s a new Bhootni came on the scene who was way scarier than any Ramsay brothers bhootni. Yes, younglings, I’m referring to Amisha Patel.

Soon The Ramsay Brothers started to incur heavy losses as a result of which they had to shift their offices to Nalasopara. Now as you all know Nalasopara has a power cut every day. Sometimes this happens in the night time as well. But as they say in show-bijhness, the show must go on and on and on. So Ramsay Brothers decided that to be prepared for bijli cuts all the time, all the Bhootni aunties will carry a candle at every hour of the day, until there’s a solution to the power problem in Nalasopara, which we know will never ever happen. Also as an added advantage, the wax that drips from the candles is used for waxing by our saxy Bhootnis. Vary ingenious no?

If you too have a weird question that you want answered by Pazz, send your questions to