What’s that you say? You want to go all the way with this one? You think you can handle it? You want to embrace your glorious death, eh? Well pseudo-Spartan…here you go, don’t tell me I didn’t warn you!
- Dhan Dhana Dhan….Goal (Starring John Abraham, Arshad Warsi, Bipasha Basu, Boman Irani and others).
Let’s cut to the chase right away on this one. I kid you not, Goal is easily one of THE WORST movies that I have witnessed in recent times. I made the grave mistake of tagging along with my friends for the ‘first day first show’ of this one (Yes, I know I goofed up…BIG TIME). And trust me when I say this, the only good thing I heard about this movie from the crowd after the ordeal was over was ‘John was sooooooooo cute yaaa.’ which by the way I’m not even sure qualifies as a favorable review for the movie. I don’t even want to make a half-decent attempt at giving this movie a ‘review’ so I’ll just jump straight to the highlights.
- This movie features a bunch of NRIs who speak flawless mumbaiyya hindi. Honestly, I can point out folks who’ve lived in aamchi mumbai all their lives and still call our desi burger a ‘vurra pow’.
- The fact that none of the ‘players’ with the exception of the goalie and John Abraham look physically capable of playing a game of competitive soccer. They look more like lean sumo wrestlers to me, especially the stand-in goalie. I didn’t even know that guy was part of the playing squad, I thought he was just the guy who’d be the target of cliched fat guy jokes.
- Arshad Warsi’s wife. Who the heck was she? And what the heck was up with her accent? Her Hindi had a fake brit accent and her English was borderline gibberish. Plus, she was super-squeaky. Also, something was very wrong with her pregnancy. She went from flat to huge pregnant belly in just a few frames. And keeping in mind that she was pregnant from the start to the end of the tournament, she either had a very very premature baby or the football tournament was absurdly long.
- The Sardar dude: I don’t know how long it will be till we see a realistic portrayal of a sardar in hindi cinema. They are always super happy, overtly generous and foolishly brave. They might as well given him a diamond studded turban a la Daler Mehndi and named him Santa Singh.
- The ‘Billo Rani’ item number : where cleavage > all forms of logic.
- Bipasha Basu : In her own words, she was ‘sexy doctor’. I have good reason to believe that her medical expertise was equivalent to that of a child with one of those toy ‘Doctor Sets.’ Nothing like moisturizer and band-aids for a hairline nose fracture huh sexy doctor?
R.I.P. 70 bucks of hard-earned cash!
- Jaani Dushman (Starring Sunny Deol, Manisha Koirala, Sonu Nigam and a lot of others)
This one seems to be a crowd-favorite of sorts. When I decided to come up with this endure-a-thon, almost everyone I know said that I had to include Jaani Dushman. Such is the appeal of this movie that I doubt whether I will be able to do justice to it. Here goes nothing.
It is my firm belief that there’s something about multi-starrers and Bollywood that just doesn’t seem to go together. Jaani Dushman took this ‘hit formula’ and pimped it up with some really really special effects. I mean special olympics ‘special’! If you haven’t sensed the sarcasm yet, NO, the movie didn’t really have great graphics. The movie is about this weird-ass Icchadhari Naagin types Manisha Koirala who comes back from the dead to maim any bad bollywood actor in sight in order to exact revenge for her rape (which is one of the funniest rape scenes in cinema’s history) and subsequent murder in her past life. She is also accompanied by her pichle janam ka boyfriend who is her partner in crime. Both of these folks possess the power to transform into any person they want to (once again the graphics are slightly better than Super Mario). If that isn’t cool enough, Sonu Nigam makes his acting debut in this movie and his performance is on par with, if not better than Kishen Kumar’s debut effort in Bewafaa Sanam.
This movie is a highlight-reel in itself, so it’s hard to point out specific instances. But kudos to Sonu Nigam and Sunny Paaji who deliver truly unforgivable, I mean unforgettable performances. A special thank you to the SFX team. I doubt whether Bollywood will ever witness a snake as vicious and as ‘life-like’ as the one you designed. And in general a huge round of applause for everyone who was remotely involved in making this movie possible. Movies like these are not made everyday, therefore I must give it a score to match. A disaster rating of 12/10….nothing lesser!
- Good Boy, Bad Boy (Starring Tusshaar Kapoor, Emraan Hashmi, Tanushree Dutta and other bad B-list actors).
Now, I by no means am saying that Emraan Hashmi and Tusshaar Kapoor have not made other bad movies. They have indeed, but they were a totally different level of awesomely horrible. So scary that I never dared to go within touching distance of them. So in the interest of fairness, I won’t include such fine masterpieces as ‘Krishna Cottage’ and ‘Aashiq Banaya Aapne’. Let’s take a moment to mourn this loss. Now take another moment to prepare yourself for this movie. Okay let’s get rolling…..but first a bit of background.
I witnessed this work of art in a Volvo bus on the way to Delhi from Chandigarh (you know the types with good seats but horrible movies). Now the thing about a TV screen in a long distance journey is that it gets super-addictive. You don’t know how many thousand miles away you are from home, so there is no way to tell when you will get to watch TV again. Hence whatever is flashed on the screen you gobble it up happily. That is exactly how I ended up watching this whole movie. So don’t judge me for it.
This movie is noteworthy for the fact that it proves Einstein’s theory of relativity….a bad movie can make a long journey seem like a trip down a black hole. The plot is as nonsensical as any Tusshaar Kapoor/ Emraan Hashmi offering. Tusshaar Kapoor is the good boy, the nerd, the geek, the topper, the guy who wants to change colleges ‘because he cannot study well in his current college’ and then there’s Emraan Hashmi, the bad boy. He’s the perpetual repeater who drinks and smokes on campus and raises hell and gets all the girls. Really creative character construction I must say. Paresh Rawal plays the new principal who will turn the fate of the troubled college around. He begins by dividing the college into super geniuses and Emraan Hashmi like retards. But here’s the catch – both Tusshaar and Emraan have the same damn name, and the peon mixes that up and hence the geek is in the same class as the rowdies and vice versa. The geek then falls for a rowdy bimbette while the bad boy falls for the seedhi saadhi behenji (who by a masterful twist in the script turns out to be the daughter of the very principal). Both ‘boys’ undergo changes in character, the ultimate manifestation of which happens at an intercollegiate fest. Tusshaar Kapoor has to dance…something which he sucks at (even in real life) and Hashmi represents the college in a quiz (which is also something Tusshar Kapoor sucks at in real life). With the help of the their true ‘louves’ they overcome the ‘uphill’ odds and win their respective events, which is by no means a big feat considering the number of college festivals we have these days. These guys must have come from the only outside college that participated while the rest of the participants were OTSE’s (that’s fest-lingo for On The Spot Entries). Did I mention that the rowdy bimbette starts to dress in salwar-kameez later on (with oodles of cleavage showing of course), thereby proving her ‘sabhyta’.
This movie may as well been called ‘Dumberer and Dumbererer’ or ‘Two Uber-Stupid Dogs’ but weak title notwithstanding this movie gets a 9.99 on 10 disaster rating. Don’t forget to check out the ultra cool title song ‘You good, you good, you good good boy!’
- Tarzan – The Wonder Car (Starring Tarzan The Wonder Car and Ajay Devgan somewhere inside the boot of the car).
Tarzan – The Wonder Car is Bollywood’s answer to NightRider, Tarzan, The Fast and the Furious and SpiderMan all rolled together in one ugly abomination of cinema. The only redeeming factor of this movie, the car, was given a horrible purple paint job which reminded me of Phantom – The Ghost Who Walks meets Pimp My Ride (which is not a compliment by the way). As you may have noticed with all the other movies, the story isn’t of much significance to these kind of movies…it is as the Pre-Raphelite artists would call “L’art pour l’art” (Art for art’s sake) except in this case it’s a horrible joke in the name of a movie for the sake of…nothing really.
Ajay Devgan, if I recall correctly is some sort of car designer or something and has a tiff with the evil villains in the movie who bump him off. Years later his wannabe Peter Parker, bad debutante actor son, finds his papa’s beloved gaddi Tarzan at a scrap yard and buys it back for an outrageous price though he is dirt poor, but inexplicably manages to pimp his ride without any regard for the budget. Papa dearest gives his blessing to betaji by putting his bhatakti aatma into the car, and thus Ajay Devgan becomes Tarzan – The Wonder Car itself. Critics, (your’s truly included), hail this as the finest expressions displayed by Ajay Devgan on screen in any movie. The wonder car becomes geek boy’s basht fraand and beats up the bullies in college and takes care of the driving while our hormonal hero is caught with his lady-louve in ‘bad condition’ while driving (that’s making out for those of you who didn’t manage to follow the flowery language). The car also shrinks when it has to pass under trucks and makes smiley faces with exhaust smoke.
It eventually also avenges Papa dearest’s death by murdering his killers, while poor testosterone-laced betaji gets picked up and bashed up by the cops on each occasion as a suspect for the murder. In a heart rending climax scene, the car is destroyed, only to self-resurrect in a few moments and everyone, cops included witness the ‘miracle’ of bad special effects in Bollywood once again.
Our sex-hungry hero is then proven innocent and is allowed to go scot free with his airhead girlfriend. Rumor has it that a sequel Chacha Chaudhary – The Magic Tractor will soon be released starring Dev Anand, but I dont believe that any sequel can surpass this legendary disaster rating of 15 on 10. Five points just because I love directors Abbas-Mustan’s ‘straight out of detergent commercials’, safedi ki chamkaar shirts!
- Inaam Dus Hazaar – A Sanjay Dutt Classic.
- Dance Dance – Mithun Da at his finest.
- Masti – A Viveik Oberoi, Aftaab Shivdasani and Ritesh Deshmukh masterpiece.
- No Entry – No words for this one.
- Fidaa – Kareena Kapoor is as white as a ghost in this one.
- Guddu – Yes, Shahrukh Khan actually did a movie called Guddu.
- Jaani Dushman – No this is not a repeat, this is an older movie with the same name where Sanjeev Kumar turns into some kind of chimpanzee monster.
- Lucky, No Time for Love – No time for this movie sorry!
- Dushman – Seriously what is it with movies with the word Dushman in it.
- Vivaah – Shahid Kapoor is a retard x 10.
- Mein Prem Ki Deewani Hoon -This one you have to watch.
- Pretty much all the movies made by Aftaab Shivdasani, Riteish Deshmukh, Tushaar Kapoor, Emraan Hashmi, Dino Morea and the great Upen Patel.
- Pretty much every movie starring Kim Sharma, Koena Mitra, Tanushree Dutta, Celina Jaitley, Kareena Kapoor, Sneha Ullal, Mallika Sherawat and other fine bimbettes.
- Saawariya – The Most Expensive Blue Film Ever Made.
- 90% of all Bollywood releases in a year.