In the unlikely event that you actually survived phase one of this trial by fire, here are the subsequent challenges. Abandon all hopes of finding a light at the end of tunnel because just like Rekha, this endure-a-thon only gets worse with time. Co-incidentally, our next entry is a movie starring Rekha.
- Bulandi (Starring The Great Rajnikant, ‘Refusing to Age’ Rekha, Anil Kapoor, Raveena Tandon)
Bulandi is a movie that is very close to my heart (somewhere between the thorn in my side and the pain in my rear end). This movie holds special significance for me as it was the only VCD we had our disposal when we bought our new VCD player (just the first part to be precise) . The player has been dead and gone for ages now, but the sweet memories of Bulandi shall be etched in my mind forever like scratch marks on a wall. All the aforementioned examples of Bollywood at its best had one awesomely bad actor to boast, but this movie has the great Rajnikant himself, a man who defies the laws of physics as and when he pleases. Under normal circumstances, the great man alone is quite enough, but as I mentioned at the start, the movies that I have chosen are the crème de la crap of Bollywood. So just to make things more horrifying than they already are, I’ll throw in, the ‘sexy’ Rekha, yes the same one who refuses to reveal her last name, her true age and her marital status. I see you already want to throw the towel in, but hang in there, for there is more. Next up in the cast is the slightly more masculine, hirsute version of Sonam Kapoor, Anil Kapoor. Somewhere down the line they roped in Raveena Tandon, hired Shakti Kapoor as an evil villain (how surprising) and just to add insult to injury, they gave a part to Harish, a south Indian actor who I have only previously seen in a movie called Army (an awesomely bad movie in its own right, which sadly didn’t make the cut here).
Not that anyone cares by now, but the story revolves around Sarpanch Uncle of some godforsaken gaon (Rajnikant), who has an obsession for being right all the time, an evil rapist villain (Shakti Kapoor) who gets ex-communicated from the gaon by Sarpanch Uncle and uncle’s innocent brother who gets framed by the villain (Anil Kapoor). Anil Kapoor in fact plays a double role in this movie, though I’m not sure how or why. I vaguely remember him being the Sarpanch who succeeds Rajnikant and his own younger brother (go figure). Deciphering whether or not this movie has a story to begin with will require many many more years of research, but while we wait on that verdict, let me list the highlights of this movie for all of you.
Firstly, Rajnikant is at his over-acting best in this one. The way he ghumaos his dupatta and grabs his iron bangle to scare and silence the junta is simply breath-taking. Rekha is a highlight just by her presence. Anil Kapoor as I mentioned has to be commended for his double role, which despite repeated viewings of the movie, doesn’t make any sense to me. Also noteworthy is the WWE – type wrestling scene at the end. But what takes the cake is the sleazy item girl who is the ‘masterni’ (female teacher) of the gaon ka school. If the way she licks and bites her bright red lips does not ‘turn you on’ please get yourself examined. All thanks to the great Masterni, this movie gets a perfect disaster rating: 10/10!
- Khushi (Starring Kareena Kapoor and Fardeen Khan)
Before I begin to talk about this movie, we must take a moment to applaud to Fardeen Khan for making his second appearance on this coveted list, a remarkable feat indeed! Just like Rajnikant’s presence in Bulandi, Fardeen’s presence in this movie should be enough to drive you away. But it’s not Fardeen you should worry about for he is as scary as Casper the friendly ghost this time, while Kareena is like the first time you saw that twisted chick from the Exorcist, only with bigger eyes and dumb grin pasted on her face perpetually. Methinks Kareena took the title of the movie too seriously and decided to appear extra happy and extra chirpy. Commendable as that effort maybe, Kareena is just plain freaking annoying.
I’d describe the story for you guys, but everytime I tried to pay attention, Kareena smiled wide enough to eat a banana sideways, and to say the least, that scared the crap out of me. From whatever little I gathered, Kareena is a college girl, Khushi, who decides to set ‘bad-boy’ Fardeen’s ways right through her louve and ‘happiness’. The hero eventually becomes seedha-saadha and even quits smoking so as to avoid her wrath. I also faintly remember the first scene where they show both Kareena and Fardeen as just born babies who are placed in cribs next to each other, and I kid you not, THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER…and even flirt a bit. From thereon it’s a given that they will fall in love.
Highlights in this movie are too many to name, but I for one, distinctly remember Amrish Puri calling Kareena out by the name “Laleeee” in his grating Mogambo voice, and he wasn’t even the villain here, he was a doting father. But since this is Fardeen’s second appearance in this list, in the interest of fairness, we can only award this movie a disaster rating of 9/10.
- Aap Kaa Surroor – The Moviee, The Real Luv Story (Introducing Himesh Freaking Reshammiya, Hansikaa, Mallika Sherawat and Sravan Bhai!)
Now I know Himesh jokes are as cliched, but there was no way I could exclude this movie from this list. It is just plain wrong on so many levels that I simply cannot overlook it. Never in the history of cinema has it been so certain that a movie will go straight to hell in a hand-basket, friends. This movie to me is like one of those overpriced , limited edition flavours of soft drinks, like coffee flavored pepsi or strawberry flavored Mirinda. In each case, despite being fully aware of impending, inevitable disaster, each of us succumbed to curiosity and by the time we realized what a grave mistake we had made, it was too late, and we were left with an incredibly horrible taste. I think that is pretty much how I can describe this movie for you guys. Don’t even get me started on the story of this movie, there isn’t one. It’s just a narcissistic tour-diary of our ‘Indian Rockstar’ Himesh or HR as they call him. Himess Bhai, tours Germany, where he makes many a gori weak-kneed with his nasal melodies, dhinchak dressing and waxed chest (which he flaunts and caresses at every available opportunity).
Let me remind you once again that his co-star was a 15 yr old. But being the gentleman that he is, Himess bhai does no hanky-panky, and instead hugs and blows kisses to Sravan Bhai to satiate his urges. The lesser said about this one, the better, so I’ll just dive straight into the long list of highlights.
First up is Himess Bhai in all his awesomeness, his gaana, his guitar bajaana, his romantic acting, his metro-sexy outfits, his out-of-the closet displays of affection with Sravan Bhai are what set him apart from any actor to walk the face of the earth to date. But credit must also be given to the dialogue writers who looked at this movie from a truly global perspective and translated every Hindi line into english, so the Germans could understand exactly what Himesh said (go figure how). Here’s a sample, ‘Jaha bharosa hai waha darr nahi…..Where there is faith there is no fear!’. Also I’d like to take the time out to congratulate Bani for making one of the most bizarre slow-motion entries I have ever witnessed.
So what’s the verdict on this one you ask? Well what do you think I can give a movie where Germans dance to hindi numbers, where rickshaw-wallahs drive around in Germany, where walkie-talkies are used to record audio and video and where safety lock combinations are memorized as ‘compositions’?
10/10 would be an insult to this movie. I give it a disaster rating of 11/10….don’t forget to stand up and cheer when the rickshaws come on screen!