Deny,Deny,Deny.

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Hush little one
Go back to bed.
Fear not the ghosts
Inside your head.

Remember the stories
You were told,
The fairy tales
With clouds of gold.

With knights and maidens
Brave and fair,
And beautiful castles
In the air.

And if a nightmare
Should make you cry,
Just soothe yourself
With these little lies.

Blog Update

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Hey my internet is gonna be down for a few days, so that means blogging will take a backseat for a bit. Part 3 of the Endure-a-thon is ready, Ill publish it when Im back…..Merry Christmas to everyone….if Im not back by then Happy New Year too!

Pazz

The Great Bollywood Endure-a-Thon Phase II

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In the unlikely event that you actually survived phase one of this trial by fire, here are the subsequent challenges. Abandon all hopes of finding a light at the end of tunnel because just like Rekha, this endure-a-thon only gets worse with time. Co-incidentally, our next entry is a movie starring Rekha.

 

 

  • Bulandi (Starring The Great Rajnikant, ‘Refusing to Age’ Rekha, Anil Kapoor, Raveena Tandon)

Bulandi is a movie that is very close to my heart (somewhere between the thorn in my side and the pain in my rear end). This movie holds special significance for me as it was the only VCD we had our disposal when we bought our new VCD player (just the first part to be precise) . The player has been dead and gone for ages now, but the sweet memories of Bulandi shall be etched in my mind forever like scratch marks on a wall. All the aforementioned examples of Bollywood at its best had one awesomely bad actor to boast, but this movie has the great Rajnikant himself, a man who defies the laws of physics as and when he pleases. Under normal circumstances, the great man alone is quite enough, but as I mentioned at the start, the movies that I have chosen are the crème de la crap of Bollywood. So just to make things more horrifying than they already are, I’ll throw in, the ‘sexy’ Rekha, yes the same one who refuses to reveal her last name, her true age and her marital status. I see you already want to throw the towel in, but hang in there, for there is more. Next up in the cast is the slightly more masculine, hirsute version of Sonam Kapoor, Anil Kapoor. Somewhere down the line they roped in Raveena Tandon, hired Shakti Kapoor as an evil villain (how surprising) and just to add insult to injury, they gave a part to Harish, a south Indian actor who I have only previously seen in a movie called Army (an awesomely bad movie in its own right, which sadly didn’t make the cut here).
Not that anyone cares by now, but the story revolves around Sarpanch Uncle of some godforsaken gaon (Rajnikant), who has an obsession for being right all the time, an evil rapist villain (Shakti Kapoor) who gets ex-communicated from the gaon by Sarpanch Uncle and uncle’s innocent brother who gets framed by the villain (Anil Kapoor). Anil Kapoor in fact plays a double role in this movie, though I’m not sure how or why. I vaguely remember him being the Sarpanch who succeeds Rajnikant and his own younger brother (go figure). Deciphering whether or not this movie has a story to begin with will require many many more years of research, but while we wait on that verdict, let me list the highlights of this movie for all of you.
Firstly, Rajnikant is at his over-acting best in this one. The way he ghumaos his dupatta and grabs his iron bangle to scare and silence the junta is simply breath-taking. Rekha is a highlight just by her presence. Anil Kapoor as I mentioned has to be commended for his double role, which despite repeated viewings of the movie, doesn’t make any sense to me. Also noteworthy is the WWE – type wrestling scene at the end. But what takes the cake is the sleazy item girl who is the ‘masterni’ (female teacher) of the gaon ka school. If the way she licks and bites her bright red lips does not ‘turn you on’ please get yourself examined. All thanks to the great Masterni, this movie gets
a perfect disaster rating: 10/10!

 

 

  • Khushi (Starring Kareena Kapoor and Fardeen Khan)

Before I begin to talk about this movie, we must take a moment to applaud to Fardeen Khan for making his second appearance on this coveted list, a remarkable feat indeed! Just like Rajnikant’s presence in Bulandi, Fardeen’s presence in this movie should be enough to drive you away. But it’s not Fardeen you should worry about for he is as scary as Casper the friendly ghost this time, while Kareena is like the first time you saw that twisted chick from the Exorcist, only with bigger eyes and dumb grin pasted on her face perpetually. Methinks Kareena took the title of the movie too seriously and decided to appear extra happy and extra chirpy. Commendable as that effort maybe, Kareena is just plain freaking annoying.
I’d describe the story for you guys, but everytime I tried to pay attention, Kareena smiled wide enough to eat a banana sideways, and to say the least, that scared the crap out of me. From whatever little I gathered, Kareena is a college girl, Khushi, who decides to set ‘bad-boy’ Fardeen’s ways right through her louve and ‘happiness’. The hero eventually becomes seedha-saadha and even quits smoking so as to avoid her wrath. I also faintly remember the first scene where they show both Kareena and Fardeen as just born babies who are placed in cribs next to each other, and I kid you not, THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER…and even flirt a bit. From thereon it’s a given that they will fall in love.
Highlights in this movie are too many to name, but I for one, distinctly remember Amrish Puri calling Kareena out by the name
“Laleeee” in his grating Mogambo voice, and he wasn’t even the villain here, he was a doting father. But since this is Fardeen’s second appearance in this list, in the interest of fairness, we can only award this movie a disaster rating of 9/10.

 

 

  • Aap Kaa Surroor – The Moviee, The Real Luv Story (Introducing Himesh Freaking Reshammiya, Hansikaa, Mallika Sherawat and Sravan Bhai!)

Now I know Himesh jokes are as cliched, but there was no way I could exclude this movie from this list. It is just plain wrong on so many levels that I simply cannot overlook it. Never in the history of cinema has it been so certain that a movie will go straight to hell in a hand-basket, friends. This movie to me is like one of those overpriced , limited edition flavours of soft drinks, like coffee flavored pepsi or strawberry flavored Mirinda. In each case, despite being fully aware of impending, inevitable disaster, each of us succumbed to curiosity and by the time we realized what a grave mistake we had made, it was too late, and we were left with an incredibly horrible taste. I think that is pretty much how I can describe this movie for you guys. Don’t even get me started on the story of this movie, there isn’t one. It’s just a narcissistic tour-diary of  our ‘Indian Rockstar’ Himesh or HR as they call him. Himess Bhai, tours Germany, where he makes many a gori weak-kneed with his nasal melodies, dhinchak dressing and waxed chest (which he flaunts and caresses at every available opportunity).
Let me remind you once again that his co-star was a 15 yr old. But being the gentleman that he is, Himess bhai does no hanky-panky, and instead hugs and blows kisses to Sravan Bhai to satiate his urges. The lesser said about this one, the better, so I’ll just dive straight into the long list of highlights.
First up is Himess Bhai in all his awesomeness, his gaana, his guitar bajaana, his romantic acting, his metro-sexy outfits, his out-of-the closet displays of affection with Sravan Bhai are what set him apart from any actor to walk the face of the earth to date. But credit must also be given to the dialogue writers who looked at this movie from a truly global perspective and translated every Hindi line into english, so the Germans could understand exactly what Himesh said (go figure how). Here’s a sample, ‘Jaha bharosa hai waha darr nahi…..Where there is faith there is no fear!’. Also I’d like to take the time out to congratulate Bani for making one of the most bizarre slow-motion entries I have ever witnessed.
So what’s the verdict on this one you ask? Well what do you think I can give a movie where Germans dance to hindi numbers, where rickshaw-wallahs drive around in Germany, where walkie-talkies are used to record audio and video and where safety lock combinations are memorized as ‘compositions’?
10/10 would be an insult to this movie. I give it a disaster rating of 11/10….don’t forget to stand up and cheer when the rickshaws come on screen!

The Great Bollywood Endure-a-Thon Phase I.

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It is common knowledge that our phillum industry Bollywood is head and shoulders above that other little known film industry in the west (Hollywood, I think they call it) when it comes to the number of movies made in a year. In fact I’ll throw in a Google stat to prove my point. Bollywood makes, on an average, a mammoth 1100 movies a year,while our puny neighbours in the west make (ho-hum) 400 movies a year. The fact that Hollywood movies have way bigger budgets than ours do and that even their average movies manage to make as much, if not more, money as our blockbusters, is a different story altogether. Focus on the 700 extra movies we have to offer, people! 700 more every year. Now if you believe in Murphy’s Law, which I strongly suggest you should if you don’t, what can go wrong will go wrong, and in this case we have 700 separate instances where things can go wrong….awfully wrong. Needless to say, we produce disastrous flicks by the dozen each year (hi-5 to Murphy), but then not every bad movie can cut it as inhuman torture. Such movies are few and far between and it takes a trained eye (like mine) to wade through all the crap to find the crappiest of the lot. Over the next 3 parts you will witness years and years of toil (that is Zee Cinema and CVO in the afternoons) finally culminating into this coveted list of the Ten Movies You Must Watch At Your Own Risk or in other words The Great Bollywood Endure-a-Thon.
This list is my way of honoring these great examples of cinema at it’s torturous best (in a way only our Bollywood-wallahs can do it). So get your popcorn, your drinks, your favorite blankie, your lucky charms and a team a of paramedics in case of an emergency and brace yourself for a ride down Bollywood lane. Here is the first leg of our endure-a-thon featuring 3 choicest movies from the 10 greats. God speed to you!

 

  • Bewafa Sanam (Starring the one and only Kishen Kumar).

Bow down and worship this legendary movie, little ones. The epoch-making movie launched the career of the great Kishen Kumar who went on to make other masterpieces such as Papa The Great, it also launched a little somebody called Sonu Nigam’s singing career. For those of you who can’t seem to recall this movie, I’m sure you’ll remember the famous sad song every rickshaw-wallah has played one time or the other, ‘Accha sila diya tune mere pyaar kaa’. I’m sure it’s all crystal clear in your head now. But the music isn’t the highlight of this movie, it’s the script and the fabulous acting of Kishen Kumar. The story goes something like this, Sundar (Kumar) is a wannabe cricketer turned murder suspect turned dukhi shayar turned bad singer turned martyr for love, all in ONE MOVIE. Other noteworthy features include a re-incarnation of his sanam as the reporter who interviews him in jail later and Asrani (angrezo ke zamane ka jailor from Sholay) playing an over the top Punjabi character very very shoddily. But the credit of this movie has to go to the debutante Kishen Kumar, his one-expression, his shuddh hindi cum urdu poetry recitations in heavily accented punjabi-hindi, his unibrow and the way he says ‘AHH’ and throws his head back in agony to depict his pain are truly Oscar worthy. I give it a disaster rating of 8.5 on 10.

 

  • Prem Aggan (Introducing Fardeen Khan and Meghna)

For those of you who thought that Feroz Khan was just a bad actor, be prepared to be proven wrong….very very wrong, Feroz Khan is also one of the greatest directors of awesomely bad movies one can ever witness. Case in point, his son Fardeen Khan’s debut Prem Aggan (or Plain Agony as I call it). Fardeen takes his father’s legacy of bad acting ahead in this movie, if Feroz was expressionless, Fardeen is a piece of furniture and if Papa Khan’s dialogue delivery was a cross between a cowboy and a robot then Fardeen’s dialogue delivery is slightly less human-like than the IVR that tells you that ‘The Number you have dialled is currently not reachable. Let us not forget the ‘sultry’ Meghna, who delivers one of the weirdest item numbers I have ever witnessed called ‘Exercise’. I shall endeavour to describe it for you people. Meghna, in ultra-tight, super bright, crotch-hugging Spandex is in a gym with side dancers as badly dressed, if not worse , than her. The whole ‘song’ involves Meghna suggestively moving up and down and up and down while grunting the refrain ‘Ahh ahh ahh ahh, You wanna be healthy,wealthy, sexy and wise….EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE!’ followed by more suggestive heavy breathing. For that alone I give this movie a disaster rating of 9 on 10.

 

  • Awwal Number – (Starring Dev Anand, Aditya Panscholi and AAMIR KHAN?!!)

Most people consider Lagaan to be the finest cricket movie Aamir Khan has acted in. But long before Aamir and Ashutosh Gowarikar thought of Lagaan, the evergreen (refusing to age/retire) Dev Anand brilliantly conceptualized ‘Awwal Number. It’s a given that a movie directed by Dev Anand is a train-wreck on all counts, but what I fail to understand is how or why Aamir Khan acted in this movie. (maybe some of these reporters should ask him that instead of why he chooses to remain absent from award functions). The ‘plot’ revolves around the rivalry between Aditya Panscholi (God’s gift to Indian cricket) and Sunny (Aamir Khan, who is the new kid on the block). The new kid upstages the ‘star batsman'(Panscholi) who decides to exact revenge by massacring all the players and the people who turned out to watch the final match of the series between India and Australia. But he is foiled by his own brother, ace cop Vicky…(Dev Anand, doing what he does best, pretending to be an actor). Highlights in this movie for me are the ‘spontaneous’ song Dev Anand and Aditya Panscholi sing at a function ‘Yeh Hai Cricket’ (which I believe is floating around on Youtube if you ever care to watch it), the superlative acting performances by the entire cast, the ‘cricket skills’ of the players, oh and did I mention, the Australian team is a bunch of Indian junior artistes with blond wigs and white sunscreen covering 2/3rds of their faces. The coup de grace is when Aamir Khan is struck by a bouncer by the then-equivalent of Brett Lee and gets back up on his feet after a kid from the crowd hands him a tape recorder which has a tape of his girlfriend repeatedly saying ‘I love you’ to a backdrop of starry noises. What makes this scene even more super-awesome is the fact that this kid was none other than a young Aftaab Shivdasani, an awesomely bad actor in his own right today. To top off the whole experience, you have Bappi Lahiri’s music which leaves me no choice but to give this movie a perfect 10/10 disaster rating.

Dus Complaints!

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If you haven’t figured the title out. This is a list of 10 things that piss me off. Sounds simple right? Good, here we go:

1) The joys of social networking websites!

Now listen closely ‘FRIENDS’…. I don’t want to know if you updated your status message to ‘I got a circumcision done’ or if you’ve uploaded a new batch of pictures of your girlfriend with whom who you got back together a week ago, after breaking up the week before that. I don’t give a damn if you made a new video of you singing James Blunt’s new song in a fake falsetto voice which is screechier than a cat in mating season.

And for God’s sake Facebook! Stop telling me that someone clicked ‘Yes’ on a friend of mine on ‘Are you interested?’ and that I don’t have any ‘Yes’s yet!

Thank you!

2) Crappy Bollywood Movies.

I would like to take the time out to address some of our bollywood-wallahs here

a) Dear John Abraham,

To say that Goal was the most pathetic excuse in the name of cinema that I have witnessed in recent times, would be a pathetic excuse in the name of an understatement. The words ‘Awesomely Bad’ scarcely suffice. Just return my 70 bucks and no one gets hurt….capiche?

b)To Kareena Kapoor,

Your eyes… so wide,
Your skin… so white,
Your hair…so frizzy,
I’m going dizzy.

Don’t make more movies,
Kindly Spare me,
‘Khushi’ was bad,
But ‘Jab We Met’,Scares me!

c) To Mr. Sanjay Leela Bhansali,

Saawariya is like painting a white wall black and blue and watching it dry oh-so-slowly while Ranbir Kapoor prances around half naked in front of it every seven minutes or so.

d) Dus Kahaniyan

The thought of watching ten bad movies in one movie scares me almost as much as watching Kareena jig to ‘Yeh Mera Dil’

3) Reality TV

The day someone starts an SMS campaign to get these shows off TV forever and ever I will vote till my thumbs fall off.

P.S. Shekhar Suman…..you can’t sing and please button up. No one wants to see your ‘buff physique’…trust me no one does!

4) People with Loud music phones

The sheer stupidity of such people never fails to amaze me. If they can spend a small fortune buying the shiniest,loudest phone around, why in God’s name can’t they use the FREE (notice the word ‘FREE’) earphones they get with the damn phones?

5) Politically Correctness.

One of the worst things to happen to mankind….I mean humankind…since the giant asteroid killed the Flintstones in about 1000 BC…..I mean B.C.E.

P.S. If you send me orkut messages and e-cards that say ‘Compliments of the Season’….I swear I will send you close-up shots of Himesh rubbing his waxed chest in ‘Aapka Surroor’

6) CallerTunes.

For the last time I don’t want the ten-minute theme song of Dus Kahaniyan to be played to everyone who calls me. I still have a handful of people who love me and I don’t want to drive them away. I have better things to do with my phone credit, like saving it up for the day someone launches an SMS campaign to bump ‘Talent Shows’ from television, remember?

7) Forwarded emails.

If I haven’t said this enough already…..I have absolutely no concern for the rare endangered fluorescent chickens in Mozambique, nor any time to waste on some late millionaire’s daughter in Nigeria who wants my bank details so she can transfer half the cash she inherited to me. I don’t care if Jane the ‘CEO of Yahoo’ or ‘Dianna the big Kahuna of Orkut’ will close my account if I don’t forward her email/scrap to every person I have known since kindergarten.

I won’t believe in these things till an email that threatens to kill my friends if not forwarded gives them a nagging cold at least.

8 ) Pop Comebacks.

Rejoice….Britney Spears is back, so are the Spice Girls and not to mention the Backstreet Boys as well (who suddenly proclaim that they were ‘Never Gone’). Time has certainly not made any of these artists any better, if anything their, ‘struggling to go Gold’ albums are much worse than their multi-platinum disasters from the past. Before Cher decides to get her 37th face lift and relaunch her career, I would like to remind her and all her friends from the era of Jurassic Pop that they’ve overshot their 15 minutes of fame by a good decade.

9) Cricket OVERDOSE.

Now I have no issues with the game. But come on, we have channels dedicated JUST to cricket, at least 3 test series going on at the same time, plus the ICL and soon the IPL and the day is not too far when we have the international gully cricket league. Can’t we have more airtime for Women’s Beach Volleyball….now THAT is a wholesome sport! If you are not big on volleyball, let’s get the girls to play cricket, in their Volleyball outfits. Then we can have 10 day test matches and no man will ever move from the ground!

10) End of season sales.

My female friends think it’s the greatest idea since sliced bread, but to me it’s like buying firecrackers for Holi. Would anyone from the opposite sex explain what exactly is so appealing about these sales?

Is it the 10% discount your 2000/- bucks bill? Is it the serpentine queues outside the changing rooms and the cash counters,?or Does the idea of elbowing fellow women to get first picks from the lingerie tub get your adrenaline pumping?

And the Major Announcement is…

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Jam Logo

Like I promised you guys, I had a major announcement to make.

Things worked out favorably and now *drum roll* I am proud to announce that….

The ‘YOUNG & STUPID’ Series is being published in JAM- Magazine (The magazine similar to JLT, only better). The first part of the series is already out on stands. Check the Humour Section on Page 15 of the latest JAM issue, and don’t forget to check out the next six parts as and when they are published in the subsequent weeks. JAM is a fortnightly magazine, by the way, so the current issue is 30th November to 14th December. Part two will appear on the 15th December issue.

If all goes well, you guys will see more stuff by me published in JAM.

Pick your copy up today and let me know what you think of it. Don’t forget to tell all your friends, I’ve already told all of mine, but I still feel like bragging some more (modest ain’t I?).

Cheers,

Pazz

Blog Update

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Hey everyone,

Sorry I haven’t written anything new since “Maidens, Centurions and Silly Points”. I wrote a lot in the vacation and I’m quite satisfied with the pieces I wrote and the response they received. At present I have an idea which I am working on, but it’s something experimental and very different from what I usually write, so I am taking my time with that. It will be a while before that sees the light of day. Apart from that, college has resumed after the vacations, so that means lesser online time. My free time is spent between sleeping and hanging out with my friends in college. It’s funny how it actually feels like vacation time now :p!

As far as new material goes, as soon as I feel that I have something which just cannot wait, I will post it. For now I’m just taking things a bit easy and having fun in college. Thanks for  visiting and reading!

Oh and by the way, if all goes well, I have a major announcement to make in the next few days (and no it’s neither a new girlfriend or a prank about one, this is real).

Stay tuned and let’s  hope that all turns out well!

Paras