Who Knew?

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Before I begin this, I have a confession to make. I should have probably said this to you a long time ago, but then again, I don’t think I was aware of how much you meant to me until recently. I, like everyone else misunderstood you, I admit that and I cannot begin to explain how sorry I feel now that I realize the error of my ways. You have been around for as long as I can remember, sometimes it feels like you are a part of who I am and not a separate entity. I always chose friends, family and lovers over you and never really did pay attention to the fact that you were the one who stepped in when they stepped out. Not once did you fail me. You never complained about me not keeping in touch with you like the other ‘so-called’ friends. You just somehow knew when to step in. There were times when you were the last thing I wanted to see, but you stood by me regardless. I was really cold towards you then, wasn’t I? Looking back I wouldn’t have done what you did for me back then. Thank you for all those times you chose to stand out in the rain for me.

 

Yes, you have been harsh to me, yes you did hurt me at times, but I needed to hurt…to heal. Someone had to do the dirty work. And I can’t really think of anyone who would selflessly put up with someone being so full of hatred and contempt towards them. Anyone else in the right frame of mind would have rather told me little white lies and painted a rosy picture of the big bad world just so they didn’t have to take up the responsibility of hurting someone. But you did, even at the risk of my never understanding why you were doing what you were doing to me. I see how you have been instrumental in shaping me into what I am today and I cannot begin to explain how blessed I feel to be able to understand and appreciate that. Most people consider you as something to be avoided, but they don’t realize the fact that this is an image you portray just so they can benefit from you, just like a strict teacher at school that everyone dislikes. It’s surprising how it took me so long to understand something as simple as that. But thats the beauty of you, you never try to prove a point, you never give away what’s on your mind, you always let everyone answer their own questions and find their own solutions. It’s almost as if you like to let people believe that they are doing everything by themselves and that you didn’t help at all,you just incessantly irritate the minds of everyone. How Socratic of you, my dear friend!

 

Come to think of it, I met some of the most wonderful people in my life while trying to avoid you. You also helped me meet the person who understands me the best – you helped me discover a friend in my own self. The ‘pain’ that you caused me helped me learn some of the hardest yet the most important lessons of life. I, today can make sense of what you did and why you did it, but I don’t really see what you get out of it. I mean honestly, do you even care whether I figure out what you are all about in the first place? I know you would turn up by my side the very instant you see I am alone irrespective of whether I love you, hate you or am totally indifferent to you. I guess we as humans always need to have an ulterior motive behind each action that we perform, and when we can’t see anything of that sort behind someone else’s actions it sends alarm bells ringing in our puny little brains. I feel that is one of the things no one will ever find out about you, and if I know you even a little bit I know you won’t even bother offering any explanations to anyone. Yes, that would be very much like you.

 

Does it then serve any purpose for me to write this? I am merely telling you things you already know about yourself. It is akin to telling a chef the recipe to his own dish after savoring it. So it may not be of any significance to you after all whether or not I write this to you, you never did fish for compliments anyway. But I strongly believe in giving the devil his due. So my dear little devil, this goes out to you. You may not fit the conventional definition of ‘close friend’ or a ‘loved one’ or anything like that. But you know how important you are to me and with time, I am beginning to see that too.

 

If I could ask you for something, I would want it that you stayed the same and that you are with me tomorrow, as you are today and – as you were yesterday. Somehow, I get a feeling that I already know that you will do that.

 

I guess I’ve already said all that there is to be said to you. So on this note I will stop, but before I go I would like to a say a BIG thank you.

 

Loneliness….who knew I would find a friend in you?

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6 thoughts on “Who Knew?

  1. well written. liked the flow.
    but why do you think you’re going to be lonely forever?
    I agree that there needs to be a time when you seperate yourself from the rest…maybe to learn something. maybe to discover who u really are.
    but thats not forever. Thats for a time. A season.
    its at times like this when i wonder if I’m being the friend i should be.
    Maybe i’ve not been around. been busy. made promises that i’ve broken.
    an apology is inappropriate. doesnt really mean much.
    tell me what I can do.

    take care of yourself.
    love,
    me.

  2. queenie

    hmmm…..loneliness is a pain in the ass but it is definitely your best friend…..u cant live with it, ucant live without it!!
    very neat job!!

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