Do Not Open Until X’mas


Scene: It’s an average Mumbai afternoon. Your’s truly finds himself in a room full of men of different ages, most of them he already knows. My name is called out and here we go…

Me (Gets Up Awkwardly. Looks around and finds the courage to speak):

“Hi friends, my name is Paras…and I am single. I actually thought it wasn’t such a big deal at first and I thought I could be happy being the way I am. But then I realized it’s a problem…quite a serious one actually. Not for me, but for society. I wasn’t aware that a young single male is a threat to society, especially the female kind. I’ve been this way for six months now and I don’t know what to do with it. Therefore I came here….for help.”

Re-assuring Leader: Friends, let give him a round of applause. Recognizing the fact that you have a problem is the first step to solving it. It’s hard to admit that you, being the way you are can be a threat to society. But I’m glad you came to us. Welcome to ‘Singles Anonymous’. (Scattered Applause). You will be with us until further notice.

Me: But why? Is it that serious? (A little scared).

Leader: Oh, so you havent been informed how dangerous you can be, huh? Hmm, so tell me do you know any girls who are single?

Me: Umm, yeah but they’re all friends. What’s the big deal with that?

Leader: Oh it’s a really big deal. It’s a vicious chain. You see you have a friend and she has friends. You meet her friends. What if you like some of them? Won’t it make things awkward for your friend? Think about that! How would that make your friend feel? And in the worst case scenario….I dont know if I should mention this to you, but WHAT IF you develop feelings for the friend herself. WHAT THEN! You don’t realize how dangerous you can be to them. You have no control over your single and looking mind. We must pair you up or quarantine you for good!

Me: What? Why? There are lots of single women who want to meet people like me.

Leader: That’s what you think boy. Name one place where you can meet these ‘single women’.

Me: Uhh…umm…

Leader: Times up! Let me answer that for you….Nowhere. A woman is NEVER single. Dis-satisfied with the current lot of men hitting on her…YES…but NEVER single, NO NO NO! Why they could change their mind tomorrow and start going out with one of those guys and change the single status for good.

Me: And what if she has no men hitting on her. What then?

Leader: Believer of miracles, huh? Well she could just give a glimmer of hope to the guy she wants. Maybe say hello when she next sees him, pro-actively go up to him and talk, maybe add him on Orkut or whatever the possibilities are endless. Point is, it’s OKAY for women to do that, but not for you and me, youngling!

Me: But that’s not fair!

Leader: Cry me a river, sunny!

Me: Hey watch your tone buddy.

Leader: No, I wasn’t being rude, if we could get you to be in touch with your feminine side, maybe…

Me: Oh no, you don’t! I don’t swing that way.

Leader: Suit yourself bub. You see unless you’re with your girlfriend or gay, single women won’t trust you around them. In fact no one ever will. Why do you think they have free entry for couples and women in clubs? We guys are a bona-fide liability to the security of the patrons there.

Me: So you mean all the good stuff is for the women, then?

Leader: Yes kid. Single women are to be venerated, to be looked up to. They should be given importance, attention and care. You must deal with their mood-swings, fluctuating mind-sets and what not. You MUST at all times do this, and maybe some day she will say “HI” to you, maybe she will decide to call you on her own and maybe she will finally reply to your Orkut scrap and say “Hey are you online on messenger? Let’s chat” It’s by this very hope that all of us here live by.

Me (irritated): Bollocks! I don’t buy any of this drivel.

Leader: Denial will only make the problem worse. We need to fix your problem or detain you. Now is there a girl who you have known for a while and considered to ask out?

Me: Not right now…

Leader: Well in that case we need to detain you here, lest you harm the world around you.

Me (getting very agitated now): All you guys are psychos, I’m getting out of here right now.

Leader (Shrugs): Suit yourself stud! Oh well, at least we tried. Hmm, so who’s next…ahh yes, Oscar Varghese…so what’s your story, kid!


19 thoughts on “Do Not Open Until X’mas

  1. Jesusbuddhaman

    Ali : (interrupting Oscar) : Excuse me too please – I thought we were coming a here to pick up de chikkis. It says “Singles Ano-no-no-no——-miss”

    Leader : No self-respecting woman or man would be see here!! which explains your presence.

    Ali : Please to be forgiven but I will be leaving now. I want to pick up chikkis. I go to a college – Wilson College… I heard there are some good chikkis there..


    Leader : Go and never oil my towels again….

    Leader : Before we adjourn, how about we have a quick round of Spasky roulette – chemical castration for the loser.. eh..

    Bang – snip – fizzle

    Leader : No loss to the gene pool eh Prince Charles!!!!

  2. Sheila

    i miss being single sometimes. But i think some guys give u all the attention u wantor dont want…single or not. Oh well, like christine said muahhahahahahaha

    oh u can really write!
    *looks up to u all awestruck and beady eyed” :p

  3. harsimran

    i guess ill introduce myself later…rite now i can hardly tear myself away frm the stuff u have written!!
    ho ho!!
    m a student of eco hons in punjab uni..and love to write..tho i never post any of my material online!!
    u write amazingly well!!!
    but my opinion doesnt matter as u r a person who doesn’t give two hoots about public opinion – good or bad which u say because both your well wishers and your enemies know only one side of you hence their judgement although partially correct is incomplete, thus invalid.

  4. harsimran

    Maybe say hello when she next sees him, pro-actively go up to him and talk, maybe add him on Orkut or whatever the possibilities are endless. !!!

    lol!!! addin u! but believe me..the possibilities end there!!!!

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