Hopes and Fears

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It’s been a month since college re-opened (well almost a month) and once again college has been successful in taking my mind off my troubles. Theres so much happening there on a daily basis that you rarely get time to sit down and think about any of it, let alone write about it. But today I feel like writing again so here I am before you. For those of you who didnt know already I had a break-up about a month ago and the same time last month was one of the hardest times I have faced in a while now, probably the worst part of an otherwise awesome year, but its okay Im not complaining. As I look back to last month, I feel lucky to be as composed as I am right now. I cant stress enough how much everyone around me has helped in this. Everytime I had a rough patch, I’d turn inwards first and then talk to my friends and thankfully each time I had someone who could relate to what I was feeling or atleast lend a patient listening ear. Past experiences have helped a lot to make this time easier for me.
But what strikes me the most is the way God has helped me through this and continues to do so everyday. There was no one person in particular who I ran to everytime something was wrong and even when I did turn to people for help the help didnt come in the way I expected it to. Instead of someone sitting me down and advising me what to do I saw people coming to me with the same problems as I was facing. And since I’ve thought about my problems at length I was equipped to help them deal with their troubles. So instead of someone offering me a solution, I found myself giving those solutions to people. And seeing that they really appreciated the advise and that it genuinely helped them through a rough patch made me feel that I too could overcome. Funny how life teaches you things sometimes.
Ive found inspiration in the most unlikely places and believe it or not it has helped me. Whether it was sitcoms like Scrubs and Friends, or Philosophy, or the very songs I listened to day in and day out on my discman, there were always some pearls of wisdom that I could take from various places and each time I found something like that I felt like someone watching over me was smiling and I’d look up and thank my guardian angels…or whatever it was that was helping me!
The fact that I stand here today, without any pain or hatred in my heart speaks for itself. And I’m hopeful that I will get through this phase too. I have the right people to talk to when I need to. I’ve found some really close friends in some really unlikely people notably amrita and poornima. At first I thought me and Amu were poles apart, but it seems that though we are different people, we are not so different after all. I learn from her and sometimes helping her with her problems helps me see things in better light. The other friend would be Poornima; though I could relate to her quietness around new people, I never thought she would open up to me. But she did and though she is still quiet sometimes, I know that our friendship means a lot to her. The same would apply for Amu. Noella has always been there with unbiased, frank opinions which were not always what I’d like to hear but were honest opinions. Nice to know that there are still people left who like to tell it like it is and expect others to do the same.
I am not one to express myself so literally. Usually I’d make a general statement like the previous 2 posts, but I dont really care who reads this anymore ( I dont mean that in an offensive way to anyone. Its just that I feel I am getting to that point where I can write with no readers in mind).
Things are going surprisingly well and well I fear that I might jinx it by making this post. I’m really glad I’ve made new close friends but I’m afraid I’ll lose them too. Somehow my worst fears have a knack of catching up with me. I’d love to thank Divya for all the time she spent listening to me at my unstable best. (amu if ure reading this, I dont even have to put up with half of what I put her through). I know all these people have come into my life with a purpose, a good purpose and that I should hold them close while I still have them, but sometimes I feel scared that everyone I get close to may fade away like everyone else has.
I hope this post doesnt alienate my old pals, you guys still mean a lot to me. I know I may not have devoted enough time to everyone and have spoken the wrong things to the wrong people, but please dont judge me for that.
Once again I apologize to all those who have been burdened by me. I hope this posts offends none, because I hold no negativity towards anybody (well maybe some people, but they arent relevant anymore. Maybe I should work on that too….)
Anyway, I dont know if this post means anything to anyone out there….but well like I said, I do this for the love of it. Nothing else matters….
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