If there ever was an article on wikipedia about Oscar this shud be it!!
Well first of all, we couldn’t think of a present. Secondly we have nothing worthwhile, so we decided lets just poke fun at Oscar here (since he’s unavailable most of the time now-a-days).
This thesis is called ‘The Metamorphosis Of The Malyalee Manav’ for a reason (BTW if you say this real quick its like a tongue twister too). It shows you how Oscar has evolved over the last two years. Specifically the period we’ve noticed in those two years.
Phase I “Dyude wheres my car??” (July 2004 to Starting of September 2004)
This was when we met for the first time in college, Oscar was some what fascinated with the word ‘Dude’ ( Read Dud+Attitude). But the problem was that he couldn’t quite pull the word off. What followed was a month of trial and error. In this period we witnessed many variations of the universal tag for guys ‘dude’ from minor variations to ‘dood’ to ‘dyood’, ‘dyude’,’dooda’,’doodh’ we heard it all, I think sometime in the first/second week of September, he finally nailed with a lot of help and ‘constructive criticism’ from his ‘Mento'(singular for Mentos, also used as an alternative for Mentor) Joshua Pinto. He has been using the word ever since at every possible occasion.
FYI if Oscar calls u by your name on the phone, HANG UP!! You probably did something to piss him off or you’re in for a lecture or Oscars drunk! BTW Oscar’s drunk is phase II
Phase II:Dude I’m drunk! HELLLLLLPPPPPP (Different Occasions Between September 2004 to August 2005)[ he doesn’t drink anymore]
The phase in question is the time when Oscar used to call me up and ask, ‘Dude (yes he pulled it off even when drunk) I’m drunk what do I do to get sober again?’
Now before you go ballistic at me saying PAZZ YOU DRINK!! the answer is no. I have lotsa experience being the lone sober guy at a ‘party’ where everyone is drunk silly so I know a lot.
Hmm so coming back to the point. Whenever he asked me what to do, my first question would be what are you drink/what did you drink?
Oscar would be so drunk that he didn’t remember what he drank/was drinking. So his response wud be ‘I’m having a Khamba’ (Read 1 Liter Bottle). We still don’t exactly know what the Alhambra was filled with. Ill update you as soon as I find out myself.
Phase III:Call me Ozzman/Zombie (June 2004 -Present)
For some reason Oscar doesn’t like being called Oscar He prefers the names ozzman/(mutilated)zombie. Not Ozzy (Thats Ozzy Osbourne and hes anti-Christian so thats a strict no-no). Well first of all it would sound so stupid while introducing him to someone , ‘Meet my friend Mutilated Zombie/Ozzman’ secondly not everyone is gifted enough to pull of the name ‘mutilated zombie’ (he has been called everything from ‘Mootie’, ‘Multi’,’Mults’,’Joombie’ etc. Oscar even got a ring with the word ‘zombie’ engraved on it. But since the design was too gujju, he had to get that ring fixed now its just a plain thumb ring. It should also be noted that Oscar plans to name his first born ‘Mark Zombie’ (Somewhere Ishrat just said ‘Thats It Now We’re Done). This phase soon drifted into another similar one.
Phase IV:My Name Is Oscar Abraham (From Dunno When – Present)
Oscars actual name is Oscar Abraham Varghese (Abraham being his dad’s name). And his family name is something like adley’s name twisted around (pronounced as ‘Adeyadil’ or sommit like that) The correct spelling of that is unknown to Oscar himself.
But since Varghese and that (adley thingy) sound too mallu Oscar prefers to be called Oscar Abraham not Oscar Varghese. I mean thats the next best thing to zombie for him.(Imagine Mutilated Varghese, Ozzman Adeyadil, the list is endless).
Phase V:’Wassup Mate’ ( Sometime in October 2004 to some other time in October 2004)
This was one of the short lived phases of the metamorphosis of Oscar He picked it up from a bihari hillbilly in the UK. But since the word mate received a variety of laughs Oscar soon dropped it (like its hot).
Phase VI:To Spike or not to spike that is the question (Most of the 2004-05 academic year).
During this time, Even before Oscar said ‘Hi dude’ he would ask ‘Hows the spikes’. Honestly they were never fine (except for a coupla times Ill grant that much). It was either over-gelled or under-moussed. Sometimes the front part was messy while the back part stood at attention like a soldier at a parade. There were times when he moussed his hair so much that people started scratching their palms on his spikes. The easiest way to irritate Oscar during this period was to deliver a flat handed smash directly on his spiked hair. Though it hurt him, the spikes remained unchanged. FYI he also used the same Hair Wax the queen of England’s hair dresser recommends (Another Queenie connection).
It should also be noted that Ishrat has had a major role in Oscar not spiking his hair anymore. I believe her exact words were ,’You spike your hair and thats it we’re done!!’
Phase VII:Look I got a pig-tail ( A month in 2004)
This phase sent the whole Marthoma Immanuel Church, Eden Villa, IC Ext.(pardon my ignorance if the name is wrong) in a tizzy. Oscar’s pigtail turned out to be more controversial than Oscar himself! Finally Oscar’s mom chopped it when he was asleep. RIP Pigtail!!
Phase VIII Theres a hole in my soul (erm Ear) (Two days in 2005)
Oscar paid sixty bucks, went to bandra and put a hole in his ear. When he returned home , his mom was ready to put some more holes on him! Result: The stud was taken out and the hole closed within a few days. In an unfortunate mishap Oscar lost the ear stud (which was pinned to his wallet (which was flicked from Globus). In other words Oscars flicked wallet was flicked.
Phase IX:The ring Arlette gave me does not look gay (Late 2004- Unknown)
Arlette (No pic available) gifted Oscar a ring which any self respecting manly man would consider girly or I daresay gay! But nope Oscar would have none of that.
However some time in 2005 the ring was reported missing due to unknown reasons never to be found again (Surprise Surprise).
Phase X: I love my lungis (July 2004 – When he chopped them it into a chaddi).
Oscar had a pair of hideous looking over sized denim three fourths which he bought for a whopping undisclosed amount from bollywood in bandra. He was so in love with it that he wore them day after day claiming he had to identical ones (ugh who’d pay for two lungis). The 3/4ths got many nicknames ranging from lungis to gypsy skirt etc. Finally they were chopped into a pair of Chaddie for reasons unknown (surprise surprise again).
Phase XI:Have u seen that movie with Matt Daamun? (Various instances from as long as I remember -Present)
Oscar has a knack of screwing up names/ words. The most famous goof-ups or Oscarisms as I call them are as follows
Matt Daamun (referring to Matt Damon)
Hugg Grunt (Ref. to Hugh Grant)
Bad anners (Ad banners)
Paantees (Panties)this was when he was sitting for his boards. He swore that the girl sitting in front had more than the necessary holes needed in the paantees.
Emraan Hashmi (ref. to Himesh Reshammiya and vice versa)
Phase XII: DJFGSDJHFGSGWUWURWEIKGHFDJH (shjsdhdfkghfkgfj)
What the hell is this you ask?? Well what do you get when Oscar uses his keyboard as a pillow?
The above text!!! Oscar has a knack of falling asleep on his keyboard while chatting in the night! But if you wake him up he will insist that he wasn’t sleeping, ‘Just resting my eyes, dude!Zzzzz!!!’
Phase XIII:If you are cobra then she is No-Bra ( Oct. 2005 -Present)
Believe it or not ladies, Oscar can tell if you are wearing a bra or not by merely glancing at your *ahem* upper body. Some say its a super power. Others (viz. Ishrat) say hes perverted. believe what you wanna but Oscar can and will know whether a gal is wearing a bra or not . Please make a note that this power is invalid between the areas of Santacruz to Vile Parle.
Phase XIV:Thats a birth-mark on my neck, not a chappal mark!!!! (From 1988 -present)
Oscar has a birth mark on his neck,which some people (viz. nelson) think is a chappal mark which he received at the hands of a girl called Melissa Oscar begs to differ (I back him on this)
Phase XV: Hey I have a fling with a girl called Karen (2005-present)
Oscar had an imaginary affair with an imaginary girl called Karen who mysteriously comes to IC colony once a year without anyone seeing her. During this period Oscar often ‘conspires’ with her sometimes even in front of her ‘dad’.
Phase XVI: I’m not a racist (Mar 2006- Present)
This is one of the recent phases of the process. Oscar is no longer a racist as mentioned in the post ‘I’m no longer a racist’ Now he just hates specific groups of people.
Phase XVII: Me Myself and Sam ( God Knows When – Present)
For those of you new to this blog, Oscar has three parts of his brain (not subconscious, conscious,unconscious) but three personas namely (Oscar, zombie and sam Crysta-delete us)
The three personalities often converse with each other, inside and outside his head, sam also speaks a lot like Samuel shetty (no pic available). recently zombie and Oscar stabbed sam to death with Samuel Shetty’s broken drumstix RIP Sam whatever ure last name was.
Note : This was an after effect of watching the movie ‘Identity’ too many times)
Phase XVIII: I have a small thing (September 2005- October 2005)
No you’re not wrong! Oscar does have a small thing, but thats besides the point here!! This was the time he fell head over heels over head over heels and vice versa for Ishrat. But he insisted that he had a ‘small thing’ for her!! So during this period if you happened to run into Oscar he would say something like this, “Hey dude, Did I tell you I have a small thing for Ishrat?”, after you reminded him that he had told you that like a kazillion times he would assure you once again that he had ‘just a small thing for her, just a small thing!! Nothing else!!!’
Phase XIX: Thats so gay (Unknown-Unknown)
If Oscar doesn’t like something its automatically gay!
E.G. Livestrong bands are gay!
Phase XX: Ask me no questions Ill tell you no lies ( Unknown – Present)
Currently if Oscar agrees to what you say he wont nod, wont say yes, uh huh, okay, right etc.
He’ll nod his head twice (not more) and say , “True,True”
This was an after effect of a Budweiser Commercial Well Bud dint make him any wiser!!!
Phase XXI: ‘Hello 911, Savio’s in love with me!!HELLPPPPPPPPP!!!!’ (All of the academic year of 2005-06)
We are not sure whether the feeling was mutual or not. Oscar as usual denied it! But we being who we are had our doubts! It ended when Savio aka Zinnia, saw Oscar going out with Ishrat for Harry Potter IV the very next day after he went for the same with her!
Memorable quotes from this phase by Zinnia!!!
‘Okay, everybody in this room gets a kiss!’
‘Oscar I have been seeing a lot of you lately!’
‘What I get no hug??!!’
‘Last time I went for a movie with a guy we were making out.’
Phase XXII: ‘Excuse me while I kill myself’ (1988-present)
Oscar claims that his ‘alter ego’ , Zombie, is trying to kill him! As mentioned earlier they already killed Sam and Oscar’s NEXT!!! Please pay your last respects ASAP.
Popular examples supporting this claim,
‘Dude that car/bike/cycle/bus/truck/rickshaw/any damn thing that moves ALMOST killed me! (Please note that ‘Almost’ is said regretfully’
‘Wouldn’t it be fun to jump out of a plane without a parachute’
‘I almost fell out of the train……AGAIN!! Boy it was fun!!’
All this is done by Oscar/Zombie because ‘Apparently’ Oscar loves the feeling of A-Dra-Nuh-Leen (Adrenaline) running through his veins!
Phase XXIII: ‘I’m too cute, tee hee’ (Misconception during Oct./Nov. 2005)
During this period Oscar was being chased by numerous girls (none were good looking, Sorry Ishrat!!)
They were as follows,
1) Zinnia, 2) Apurva, 3) Sinu/Sinette/Sinus/Whatever, 4)Plus he thought Ishrat was falling for him.
So all of a sudden he thought he was ‘more funky than a monkey!!’ This led to moniker ‘Cute Ickle Osci’
Phase XXIV:’Fried Beynanas are yum!!’ (He’s mallu. Period!)
He’s Mallu. Period.
Phase XXV: ‘ If my mom calls I (am /was/ am going to be) with you. (Choose the correct alternative, Used as per the situation)
Other Things Remaining Constant: If Oscar’s Mom calls you, she probably doesn’t know where Oscar is (and neither do we!). But as a rule of thumb we are expected to say that he is/was/is going to be with us.( Note: When you least expect his mom WILL call and when you’re dead certain, SHE WON’T.
Widely used with the next phase.)
Phase XXVI: ‘Anja Minita’ (Five Minutes from time to time)
Everybody here knows what this means, if they don’t please contact Oscar or preferably his mom.
Phase XXVII: ‘Don’t look now, but I JUST damned you to hell!’ (Time is irrelevant here)
Non-believers (i.e Hindus, Muslims,Sikhs,Jews,Buddhists,Roman Catholics??,Mormons,Jesuits, Scientologists, Aethists, Agnostics etc. etc.) kindly curl up into a ball and cry your hearts out! YOU HAVE JUST BEEN DAMNED TO THE DARKEST PITS OF HELL! We are all going down the road to ‘eternal disappointment’ (which is also the road to having a 1000 virgin concubines at each level of hell)
‘Everybody’s Going to the party
Have a real good time
Phase XXVIII: “The Sikhs/Mallu Mossad is after me!!!’ (Are you even paying attention to this!!)
Oscar is under the impression that all sikhs are after him and me (Pazz). But since I switched sides we are all after him now!
Also there is a secret clan of Malayalees who are working in tandem with the Mossad to keep tabs on whatever he does!! (We think his Mom sent them after him)
Phase XXIX: ‘There is no gray‘
Oscar believes that on earth there is only white and black (signifying good and evil). There is No gray (signifying a mixture of the two). Except for the ‘chosen few’ everyone else is damned to eternal blackness as mentioned in phase XXVII. Want proof of this just look at Oscar’s car, its not white, its not black, its somewhere in the middle but its not gray, ITS AZURE GRAY!!!!
Phase XXX : “Guilty till proven innocent” (All of 2005-06)
This is the last phase……….for now!! But knowing Oscar (We’re sure even you do too now!) there’s always more to come
This is also referred to as the ‘Epic Phase’. Due to its sheer length we have divided into bite-sized morsels.
Accusation 1: ‘Did you say I dont teach well!!!’– Psycho Ma’am
On the open house of the first unit test in FYJC, the economics teacher asked Oscar why he fared badly in Psychology. Oscar cited that he could not understand the notes given by the professor. As a result, a rumor was spread among the teachers (by guess who) that the psychology ma’am is incompetent. It took her a year to figure out it was Oscar had made that particular comment. So on the first lecture of SYJC Oscar had to face the music (Death Metal Band Actually).
Accusation 2: ‘Do you writes the Zimbly’s?’ – Amit Naik.
Amit Naik’s SYJC girlfriend (that paedo) gave a tip-off that Oscar was writing the underground newspaper – Zimbly. That very day Oscar was questioned by Amit Naik (GS of the student council, Christine lover) and your’s truly PazzTheWiseDonkay was blamed as guilty by association. Numerous attempts were made to prove that indeed none of us were guilty but all in vain! Oscar got so fed up that he started saying, ‘Ya I write it! So what!!’
Accusation 3: ‘Tera naam Oscar hai kya? Bahar mil!!’ – Varun
An issue of the zimbly was released and it made fun of the SYJC ‘goon’ Varun. He came up and asked Oscar if he was responsible for it. Oscar replied out of sheer frustration, “Yes!!”. 15 minutes later there were 5 goons outside the canteen and many more outside college waiting to ‘talk’ to Oscar But the situation was dissolved when the ‘tough goons’ saw the sheer bulk of Samuel Shetty!
Accusation 4: ‘We have found 200 copies of the Zimbly and so we have taken possession of your hard drive. No hard feelings!’ – Amit Naik (again)
That speaks for itself doesn’t it? But hey as usual we will elaborate on this! Our science counterparts, Kevin, Kenneth,Royston, and Oaf were caught under suspicion that they too were writing the zimbly. So all of us went to the Vice-Principole! And complained to her. Amit however saw this and he promptly waited outside college to have a ‘chat’ with Oscar. This time it was the sheer bulk and crude Marathi of Rahul who saved his butt. His said something to the effect of ‘I will break my foot off in your ass and yank it outta of your throat you mo-fo.’
Accusation 5: ‘Is this the way you talk’ – Eco. Ma’am
Oscar was standing outside French class waiting for the prof. To arrive. Eco. Ma’am happened to pass by and she asked him where the prof. Was. Oscar replied . ‘I dont know’. That sent her off the richter and the rest as they say is history!
Accusation 6: ‘Is this the way you talk to Eco. Ma’am?’ – French Ma’am
Following the Eco. Ma’am incident, the french ma’am too came to the party. She threw him out of class because he had a ‘massive massive attitude and was a stupid spoilt brat’ She also made the humongous declaration Oscar’s mom and dad had failed as parents. Tsk Tsk Oscar!!
Accusation 7: ‘Smile, You’re on Candid Camera’– Suryavanshi
Oscar decided to show to the world that he had a camcorder. So he started recording stuff in the canteen. Now contrary to what most people believe theres a rule that says ,’No cams allowed without prior permission’. Anyways he was Public Enemy No. 1 at that time so voila, the cam was taken away for a good one month or so. But since all they found on the tapes was Christine blowing kisses to the camera, Amit naik made a copy of the tape and then returned it to its rightful owner…..Oscar’s Mom!
Accusation 8: ‘Teacher Teacher, Oscar says Boom Sucked’ – Faustin Messier
After this statement, the situation between Oscar and the French teacher got (Faustin) Messier!!! They have never ever seen eye to eye since then! On the other hand the French Ma’am cannot see eye to eye with anybody except the smurfs!
Accusation 9: “For God’s Sake Oscar, I beg of you, My Folks at home are going crazy, Please return my phone”– Niki (FY-Idiot)
A FY Idiot’s (Niki’s) phone was stolen and for reasons unknown (surprise surprise yet again!!) Oscar was believed to be either in possession or involved in the robbery of the phone. What followed was a series of ‘whodunits’ by all of the FYJC arts class!
Accusation 10: ‘You’re a net savvy hooligan’ – French Ma’am AGAIN!
By now you dont have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that Oscar is blamed for everything. When Zimbly.net was launched, guess who was blamed (prize for guessing- part of the blame). This forced French ma’am to make the above epic statement!
All Right Let’s Roll the Credits.
People who wrote this crap- Paras ‘TheWiseDonkay’ Sharma, Joel ‘Virtual Chameleon’ Coelho.
Cast: Ishrat ‘Queenie’ Rawoot , Binoy ‘Science Boy/Slaya’ Sam Jacob, Zinnia ‘Savio’etc etc., Arlette ‘Lord of the Rings’ Grao, Varun ‘ Bahar Mil’ Goon, Amit ‘ I Love Christine’ Naik, French Ma’am, Eco. Ma’am, Psycho Ma’am, Christine ‘I secretly love Amit Naik’ Jhony, Sam ‘Look I can play the drums’ Shetty, Rahul ‘Fat Man’ Goveas , Faustin Messier, Niki ‘I read the horoscope when I lose my phone’ ,FY Idiot, Karen ‘She Actually Exists’ ,Late Sam Crysta-delete-us, Eben ‘Senior Varghese’ [Who as usual was unavailable], Mahesh ‘Bouncer’ Desai, Surya ‘Tubelite’ Vanshi, Mallika ‘Vice Principole’ Varghese, Joshua ‘Mento’ Pinto, Apurva ‘I still love you Osci Baba’, Melissa ‘Chappal Mark’, The Sikhs, Mallu Mossad, Left – Behinders, Girls who dint wear their bras.
Last and the Least, ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY OSCAR’
DISCLAIMER: NO HORSES WERE HARMED DURING THE MAKING OF THIS BOOKLET!