Breaking News: Khali Mahabali Ko Naye Challenges

It was 1997. India, playing against archrivals Pakistan in the Independence Cup final, was chasing a mammoth 315 run target. Eventually the equation came down to 9 runs from 6 balls with 3 wickets. Now in the zamana of T20, 9 off 6 is child’s play even for Ashish Nehra with one arm tied behind his back. But let me remind you, this was 1997. India rarely ever made totals this big; in fact this big a total had never been chased. It looked like the same would be the case, as India needed 3 runs of 2 balls with an inexperienced left-hander on strike. Saqlain came in and bowled a short one and BAM! The rookie clubbed him to the mid-wicket fence for four! I’m sure at that point he didn’t know what it meant, but the young lad who struck those winning runs, was virtually guaranteed a spot in the Indian team for the next one year solely on the basis of that boundary. I like to refer to this peculiar Indian tendency as ‘The Kanitkar Phenomenon’.

Ten years later in 2007, the phenomenon resurfaced again. And HOW! This time it was The Great Khali! He gallantly marched into the ring and knocked The Undertaker out cold with his dhai kilo tonne ka haat. Bas since then, he’s been on the Breaking News bulletins on Aaj Tak, India TV and Star News thanks to that one tagda blow!

It really pains me to see Khali achieve such dizzying heights while other great Indian wrestlers languish on the sidelines. What’s that you say? There aren’t any other ‘Great Indian Wrestlers’? Yeah right! Prepare to be shocked baccha log. Here I present to you, The Great Khali se bhi great wrestlers in India:

1) The Great Thali: Hailing from Kathiawad, Gujarat, this behemoth savours challenges like dhokla and undhyu! Weighing in at 250 kg, he can beat the best in the business to aam ras in a matter of seconds. His signature move is the Dandiya Wrath in which spins four times before striking the opponent on the head with a stick
Achievements: The Great Thali is the Udipi Wrestling Federation (UWF) Champion for the last 3 years.

2) The Great Bengali: He is the hunk from Howrah with Bengal tiger like reflexes and a complexion as fair as a rasgulla. His motto is Torbo (To break), Lorbo (To fight), Pitbo (To beat). Thanks to his good looks he has received a lot of Bengali as well Hindi movie offers off late.
Rumours: Around April this year, Kal Tak found semi-nude pictures of The Great Bengali with scantily clad, foreign cheerleading girls on hoodibaba.com, these reports however are yet to be confirmed.

3)The Great Idli: They call him the Dakhsin Devil. This 6′10, 230 kg Malayalee monster is the second heaviest wrestler in the UWF. He gobbles up competition like the 35 idlis that he has for breakfast everyday. Despite his enormous girth, he is one of the most agile wrestlers in the business. He is known to back-flip from the mat to the top rope in a Rajnikant-esque manner.
Achievements: The Great Idli has never lost a casket match…because there isn’t a casket big and strong enough to hold him!

4)The Great Mali: Previously a gardener by profession, The Great Mali is adept at taking care of all kinds of ‘Obnoxious Little Weeds’. Not afraid to speak his mind, he calls a spade a spade. His signature is The Fertilizer where the slams his opponent face down on a pile of horse manure!
Rumors: They say that The Great Mali once killed a man by throwing a flower pot on his head!

Taxi Number 9-2-11

How many times has this happened to you? You’ve had a long, hard day at work (complete with your boss giving you exotic gaalis which you didn’t even know existed and your PC doing more nakhras than your gullphraand). Being magnanimous as you are, you decide to take the higher road and spare both the boss and the PC (just like the guy in Bajaj Avenger ad). You think to yourself, Bas kisi tarah station pahuch jaoon, Fir home going, feet putting on table and chillaxing! Ahh yes, the very thought feels so good, na? You set out with a spring in your step…taxi after taxi passes you by, yet you remain unfazed. Bas kisi tarah ghar pahuch jaoon, you think again. You walk a bit ahead, chalo evening walk hi sahi. No success even still. Determined not to lose your patience you walk on and on and on…and then you finally snap and yell at the top your voice “Arrey, where the hell are all the taxis?”

You frantically gesticulate to every passing cabbie but to no avail. You beg, plead and wonder, kis janam ka badla they are taking…Tch tch, sounds familiar, na?

This is exactly what happened to me when I was once making my way back home after a movie screening in Mahalaxmi. The cabbies outside the venue said they were all looking for lamba bhaadaas and suggested that I head to the next signal and try my luck. Taking their advice, I walked on but the ones at the next signal wanted even more lamba bhaadaas! In fact they didn’t bother listening to anyone except those who wanted to go all the way to Bandra! Like a poor aam aadmi at a government office, I walked from taxi stand to taxi stand only to be told that I should try my luck at the next one.

So there I was, in the middle of the busy Worli Naka, with khali cab after khali cab passing me by without even a regard. I soon came across another marooned ‘office se ghar pe’ goer who shared his dukhi dastaan with me saying that he had spent over half an hour looking for a cab to Lower Parel station. Remembering the moral of the ‘Ek Titli Anek Titaliyan’ cartoon, I decided that it’s best that we unite forces. Plus the other guy wanted to Lower Parel Station, which was a slightly more lamba bhaada than Mahalaxmi station. It all seemed foolproof. In no time, we’d find a cab, I thought. Soon the pleasant images of my couch flashed before my eyes…but they disappeared like a mirage ten minutes later. Realizing that our joint venture was going nowhere, I being the modest innovator that I am, came up with another brilliant idea! Why not take the help of kanoon’s lamba arms to tackle the lamba bhaadaa hungry cabbies? Muhaha, now I’d teach them a lesson. Couple of gaalis in chaste marathi, a few Harbhjan-style tight slaps and a challan later they’d even drop me till Dadar station for free! With renewed gusto I recalled whatever I could from the Marathi lessons in school and gallantly marched to the first Pandu I saw. “Ahem, Saheb, Hay taxi-wallay…er…Mahalaxmi la jaayla…ready..I mean…taiyar navhte. Tyanna kharcha paani dya” I winked at him.

But the potbellied Pandu simply yawned in my face like a hungry hippo! He didn’t bother wielding his danda, and didn’t even a ‘Cha Mailaa’ was hurled at the evil taxi-wallahs! Instead he suggested that I walk ’saral’ and gheo a 154 number chi bus to the taishann! What the F! (As my beloved MTV VJ Bani J would say.)

By now I had retraced nearly 3/4ths of my path (which was a 40 buck cab ride!) and was tired, weary and not to mention super-pissed off!

Finally after an unnecessary 45 minute evening walk, I came across a friendly taxi-wallah who took me to my destination! I paid him an extra 5 bucks for not being bhukkad like the others (see bhalai ka zamana is still here!)

Though by the end of it I was convinced that 99% of our cabbies are excessively money-hungry I must say that all in all, it was a very memorable…Oh what the hell, screw the paanchvi pass essay writing style happy ending!

The Spiderwick Chronicles Review

The fantasy genre has become the cash-cow of Hollywood following the immense success of Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Narnia. The Spiderwick Chronicles aims to continue this very trend and is more or less successful in doing so if you ask me. For someone who didn’t particularly enjoy the aforementioned hit movies The Spiderwick Chronicles turned out to be thoroughly watchable.

The movie following the fantasy genre trend, is an adaptation of a popular series of children’s books by Tony DiTerlizzi and Holly Black, though I won’t go as far as saying that after watching the movie I am tempted to pick up the books. The target audience of the movie is obviously the baccha party as is evident from the fact that the lead character is a young Jared Grace (Freddie Highmore). His acting skills are pretty decent but I still prefer apna Darsheel Safary.

Story wise the movie has nothing that will blow you out of the water. It’s the same old, ‘Family moves into old, abandoned, haunted house – gets into trouble – uncovers the secrets behind the house and finally lays the bhoots to rest’ (just like Monster House, Haunted Mansion etc.)

Though the special effects flip flop between breathtaking and ordinary computer game graphics, they also give us two of the most lovable characters in the movie Thimbletack (a pint-sized, sometimes jolly sometimes angry mythical creature who talks in witty rhymes) and Hogsqueal (a magical pig with two snouts who aims to eat anything that flies including a Griffin!)

All in all, the movie is a nice timepass for the baccha log but I doubt whether the kids will go absolutely nuts over this one a la Harry Potter.

Rating: 2 ½ out of 5

What the Ratings Mean:

0 - Terrible Beyond Imagination
1 - Mostly Pathetic
2 - Strictly OK
3 - Good
4 - Very Good
5 - Bow Down and Worship!

I’m Seeing Double!

Week one of work at JAM is over. It’s an awesome place to work at. I worked on my very first JAM issue which hits stands Monday. Can’t wait to see how that turns out, I might put up scans or something if I can.

The point of this post is to explain the sudden surge in posts (most of which you must have seen if you are a ClubJAM user). I’m supposed to write at least one blog a day as per orders (something I have no problems with). So for the benefit of the little circle of JustPazz readers, I will post the stuff which I like at ClubJAM as well as JustPazz. Some of the stuff will also appear on JAM Magazine.

Thanks to all of you the readership of this blog is increasing slowly but surely. March 2008 has been the month with the maximum hits since the starting of this blog, but note that  February and January 2008 had the same distinction before that.

Keep reading the blog, your support makes this more and more enjoyable.

Thanks,

Paras.

Top 3 Disgusting Soft-Drink Flavours

3) Vanilla Coke – One dreadful day I switched the TV on and saw Vivek Oberoi dancing around on screen dressed more idiotically than usual. The awesome Bappi Lahiri loudly and proudly proclaimed the arrival of the ice-creamy thanda- Bhenilla Coke!
My very first swig of this horrible concoction was enough to put me off for good. This bastard child of Vanilla ice-cream and Coca Cola left as bad a taste in my mouth as would seeing Bappi Lahiri in a thong!
Here’s what I learned from the horrendous experience – Ice Cream..Good!, Soft drink..Good!, Ice Cream flavoured Soft Drink….Mommmmmmmmyyyy!!

2)Mirinda Strawberry – Mirinda Strawberry brought back childhood memories for me of the not so good kind.
As a kid I was frequently down with tonsillitis. The thing I dreaded the most about besides the swelling in my throat and the incessant coughing was the horrible taste of the cough syrups that were shoved down my throat by the spoonful. I’m sure I’m not the only one who had to endure patiala pegs of benadryl and corex. Anyway, the point is the taste..try and recall the weird, gag-reflex inducing taste. Okay now hold that thought!
Now add some fizz to that taste et voila – Mirinda Strawberry!

1) Pepsi Cafechino – It was bad enough that the ad for this abomination of a cola featured what I consider, two of the most annoying Bollywood actresses – Kareena Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra shaking their butts in blue overalls. “The kiss of cola, with a kick of coffee’ was the way it was described in the ad. Sounds delicious na? Not quite, let’s change the description a bit. The Pepsi Cafechino experience was more like ‘a french kiss from a Dadima with a kick in the nuts.’

Before these haunting memories re-aggravate my schizophrenia I’ll kalti. Do yourself a favour and go have a ganna juice or something!