Pazz’s Three for Five

Yes pumpkins, it’s that time of the year again when yours truly loses all his marbels. Some say it’s the heat, others say I was dropped on the head many times as a child, no one really knows. While scientists wither away their grey matter pondering over the all important question, “Why exactly does Pazz make such stupid posts?” here’s another stupid post by Pazz. In fact this is the first of a series of columns where I will entertain absolutely random questions from fraands and non-fraands about anything from the rising inflation to Lakshmipathy Balaji’s back injury and everything else in between. Presenting Pazz’s Three for Five…Three questions…Five Minutes…Understanding, No?

First Question
Dear Pazz,
Why does a man looking at the moon feel he is in love?
Elphie from Interiors of Borivali National Park.

Dear Elphie,
This issue has in fact been addressed by many other renowned scientists and astronomers in the past but everytime they tried to come out with the truth they were attacked by a half-man, half-Anil Kapoor werewolf types creature. I however will risk life and limb and answer this question for you.
You see when the moon is full, the tide is at its highest. At this time, the half-man, half-Anil Kapoor werewolf uncle searches for his next victim. He poses as a salesman for Fairglow fairness cream and approaches his unsuspecting victim. He then proceeds to say, ‘Sirf Fairglow deta hai aapko Chaand jaise gorapan’. Please to looking up to sky’. When the poor victim looks skywards and sees black spots on the moon, he realizes that Abhishek Bacchan was saying the truth in the movie Tera Jadoo Chal Gaya when he sang, ‘Tujhpe to fir bhi daag hai, Mera chand to bedaag hai’. (View video below)

But before he can react, the tidal pull of the full moon raises the blood level in his head by 30 microns as a result of which the ‘Love Sector’ of the brain is activated instead of the ‘Anger and Disgust as a result of seeing Anil Kapoor shirtless Sector’. And that explains why a man staring at the moon feels that he is in love. Wait do you hear that sound…it’s coming closer… Aaaaaarrrrggghh….it’s Half-man Half-Anil Kapoor werewolf type uncle!

Second Question

Have you heard about the man who fell off the earth?
Binnyboi from Thiruvala

Dear Binnyboi,
Yes indeed, I have heard of the man who fell off the earth, and I even attempted to catch him. Let me tell you the whole story in detail. The reason why the man, Brijmohan Kunjprakash, fell off the earth is because of the Vodafone pug. Yes that same innocent looking doggie who tries to tell everyone that he is ‘Happy to Help’. It so happened that one day Brijmohan Kunjprakash wanted to call his gullphraand in Bhilai and tell her that all was kushal mangal in Mumbai. But you see since, Bhilai does not have very good Vodafone coverage, his gullphraand decided to use Aircel which has much better coverage. Now Aircel has a very limited circle (approximately farther than the cows go to graze before they sit down lazily and ruminate for the rest of the day). So Aircel transfers to Idea and Idea to BSNL and BSNL to Spice Telecom and Spice Telecom to BPL and BPL to Reliance and Reliance to Virgin and Virgin to Indicom and then Kajol runs to the to Vodafone pug who then gallops to you till he collapses.

Poor Brijmohan Kunjprakash did not know this and thought that he would be charged by standard STD calling rates. But when he heard the robotic recorded voice say ‘Your balance is very low’ he fell backwards and strangely instead of falling down and busting his head open, his feet shot up vertically and then Brijmohan began floating mysteriously in the air. Yes I did try to stop him and even managed to grab his shoe. But his shoe came off, and ever since that day, Brijmohan Kunjprakash has been floating in outer space.

Third question

Why do all Bhootni aunties carry candles? I mean this is the 21st century?
Khooni Dracula ki Behen

Dear Miss Khooni Dracula ki Behen,
As you may know, the Ramsay brothers were at one point the most popular horror movie directors in India. Movies like Saamri, Khooni Dracula, Bhaago Bhoot Aaya, Paapi Gudiya etc etc, are horror classics. At that time, the Ramsay brothers used to have their headquarters in the posh areas of south Mumbai. But then in the early 2000s a new Bhootni came on the scene who was way scarier than any Ramsay brothers bhootni. Yes, younglings, I’m referring to Amisha Patel.

Soon The Ramsay Brothers started to incur heavy losses as a result of which they had to shift their offices to Nalasopara. Now as you all know Nalasopara has a power cut every day. Sometimes this happens in the night time as well. But as they say in show-bijhness, the show must go on and on and on. So Ramsay Brothers decided that to be prepared for bijli cuts all the time, all the Bhootni aunties will carry a candle at every hour of the day, until there’s a solution to the power problem in Nalasopara, which we know will never ever happen. Also as an added advantage, the wax that drips from the candles is used for waxing by our saxy Bhootnis. Vary ingenious no?

If you too have a weird question that you want answered by Pazz, send your questions to parryshams@yahoo.com

Taxi Number 9-2-11

How many times has this happened to you? You’ve had a long, hard day at work (complete with your boss giving you exotic gaalis which you didn’t even know existed and your PC doing more nakhras than your gullphraand). Being magnanimous as you are, you decide to take the higher road and spare both the boss and the PC (just like the guy in Bajaj Avenger ad). You think to yourself, Bas kisi tarah station pahuch jaoon, Fir home going, feet putting on table and chillaxing! Ahh yes, the very thought feels so good, na? You set out with a spring in your step…taxi after taxi passes you by, yet you remain unfazed. Bas kisi tarah ghar pahuch jaoon, you think again. You walk a bit ahead, chalo evening walk hi sahi. No success even still. Determined not to lose your patience you walk on and on and on…and then you finally snap and yell at the top your voice “Arrey, where the hell are all the taxis?”

You frantically gesticulate to every passing cabbie but to no avail. You beg, plead and wonder, kis janam ka badla they are taking…Tch tch, sounds familiar, na?

This is exactly what happened to me when I was once making my way back home after a movie screening in Mahalaxmi. The cabbies outside the venue said they were all looking for lamba bhaadaas and suggested that I head to the next signal and try my luck. Taking their advice, I walked on but the ones at the next signal wanted even more lamba bhaadaas! In fact they didn’t bother listening to anyone except those who wanted to go all the way to Bandra! Like a poor aam aadmi at a government office, I walked from taxi stand to taxi stand only to be told that I should try my luck at the next one.

So there I was, in the middle of the busy Worli Naka, with khali cab after khali cab passing me by without even a regard. I soon came across another marooned ‘office se ghar pe’ goer who shared his dukhi dastaan with me saying that he had spent over half an hour looking for a cab to Lower Parel station. Remembering the moral of the ‘Ek Titli Anek Titaliyan’ cartoon, I decided that it’s best that we unite forces. Plus the other guy wanted to Lower Parel Station, which was a slightly more lamba bhaada than Mahalaxmi station. It all seemed foolproof. In no time, we’d find a cab, I thought. Soon the pleasant images of my couch flashed before my eyes…but they disappeared like a mirage ten minutes later. Realizing that our joint venture was going nowhere, I being the modest innovator that I am, came up with another brilliant idea! Why not take the help of kanoon’s lamba arms to tackle the lamba bhaadaa hungry cabbies? Muhaha, now I’d teach them a lesson. Couple of gaalis in chaste marathi, a few Harbhjan-style tight slaps and a challan later they’d even drop me till Dadar station for free! With renewed gusto I recalled whatever I could from the Marathi lessons in school and gallantly marched to the first Pandu I saw. “Ahem, Saheb, Hay taxi-wallay…er…Mahalaxmi la jaayla…ready..I mean…taiyar navhte. Tyanna kharcha paani dya” I winked at him.

But the potbellied Pandu simply yawned in my face like a hungry hippo! He didn’t bother wielding his danda, and didn’t even a ‘Cha Mailaa’ was hurled at the evil taxi-wallahs! Instead he suggested that I walk ’saral’ and gheo a 154 number chi bus to the taishann! What the F! (As my beloved MTV VJ Bani J would say.)

By now I had retraced nearly 3/4ths of my path (which was a 40 buck cab ride!) and was tired, weary and not to mention super-pissed off!

Finally after an unnecessary 45 minute evening walk, I came across a friendly taxi-wallah who took me to my destination! I paid him an extra 5 bucks for not being bhukkad like the others (see bhalai ka zamana is still here!)

Though by the end of it I was convinced that 99% of our cabbies are excessively money-hungry I must say that all in all, it was a very memorable…Oh what the hell, screw the paanchvi pass essay writing style happy ending!

Bevde Kahin Ke!

Over the years I have attended my fair share of disaster daaru parties as a part of the sober junta minority. Since my thought processes weren’t hindered by alcohol I was able to pay close attention to the diverse kinds of bevdas (who are either a source of amusement or a total pain in the backside). Magnanimous as I am, I will share the wisdom I have acquired over the years sipping Pepsi at these parties. Be sure to make notes, young ones!

1) The ‘Gutter’ Bevda (a.k.a. Tanker, Balti etc.) – Baccha log, if you observe closely, you will notice that the name of this kind of bevdas itself is a pun. Firstly, these drunks have mind boggling guzzling capacity. Leave a khamba in front of them and they will down it like Rasna. They are also a very open minded kind. Desi daaru or Champagne, Cobra or Kingfisher, sab chalega for them! The second meaning to their name refers to their abode – the gutter. I mean obviously, after drinking so much, a jal samadhi is inevitable!

2) The ‘Do Boond Mujhe Bhi Pila De, Dekh Fir Hota Hai Kya’ Bevda –If the gutter bevda is characterized by an enormous drinking capacity, this kind is exactly the opposite. Just the mere mention of alcohol in their drink is enough to get their heads spinning (even if there’s nothing but Mountain Dew in their glass). Rum cakes, chocolate liqueurs, and even last nights grape juice have been known to produce a wide range of entertaining outcomes. Some may ‘rediscover’ their long lost singing and dancing ‘talents’ while others may experience Nirvana (not Kurt Cobain’s band, the real deal!). Extreme cases may even believe that they are superheroes and try to fly out the window. Promptly empty a bucket of iced water on their heads to avoid injury…to them.

3) The ‘What Goes In, Must Come Out’ Bevda – These drunks are mostly amateurs and have gross misconceptions about their drinking abilities. They wrongly assume that they can drink as much if not more than the great Gutter Bevdas only to learn later that the laws of physics are still applicable – drunk or not. Therefore what goes in (daaru), forces its way out (puke). If you are the host of the party, just seat these kinds in the bathroom right from the start, at least that way they won’t puke all over your mom’s favorite rug!

4) The Pravachan Bevdas – These are ‘social drinkers’ as in they love to get drunk when there are a lot of people around. As soon as the booze kicks in, they slip into nostalgia mode and start to graciously share their years of experience with the others. From little Chunnu’s tummy ache to marital problems to career issues, sab ka jawaab milega! As long as the drinks keep flowing, so does the advice. But don’t underestimate them, they do give out some really good advise at times as well. Sadly the rest of the drunk junta most probably forget what they say by the end of the night.

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Long Road To Jawahar.

Starring: Mom, Dad. Bro, Bro’s wife (Sis), Scared Bengali Driver (SBD), Tata Sumo and Your’s truly.

Dateline: 5^th April 2008

The Scene: It’s 9.30 PM. Yours truly and family are returning home from Shirdi in Scared Bengali driver’s Tata Sumo. Halfway home the road forks into two, we have the option of taking the Igatpuri route to Mumbai(straighter ,shorter road, pathetic condition) or the ‘Paryayi Rasta’ (Optional Route) via Jawahar (Zig-zagging ghat but good roads and virtually no traffic). We decide to avoid the cratered Igatpuri road and opt for the Jawahar route instead.

35 kms to Jawahar: The road looks very scenic, dense forests on either side of the road, perfect roads and NO TRAFFIC! We all agree it was an awesome idea to take this road.

33 kms- We notice that the road looks a lot like the ones we see in bad thriller movies like Kaal and Darna Mana Hai. Random Vivek Oberoi and Ajay Devgan jokes follow.

32 kms: The road is getting very curvy. I feel like I’m on a F1 track loaded with chicanes while bro imagines he’s riding on his imaginary Bullet. We hit a sharp, curve…Scared Bengali Driver brakes hard. The car comes to a standstill. SBD suspects a flat tyre. Mom and sis panic. SBD assures this wont take long. SBD and Dad step out to inspect the car. There is no flat tyre, instead something called a ‘balance rod’ has snapped. We are not quite sure what that does but realize we are in deep shit. The jungle road no longer seems scenic. We take back every joke we made about Kaal, Darna Mana Hai and every other bad horror movie. We see an Ambassador far in the distance and frantically wave. The Amby stops. It’s a ‘Maharashtra Shasan’ car. SBD and Dad explain situation to the driver who inspects the Sumo and confirms SBD’s prognosis. SBD seems proud of the fact that he is correct. Driver expresses helplessness as his ‘Saab’ is running late, he however mentions a gaon 4 kms away where can find a grill welder who might wake up and help if we request him. SBD says we can make it there provided we drive very slowly. We drive on.

28 kms: Almost half an hour later we reach a signboard which directs towards a narrower,curvier road , with absolutely no lights which leads to the gaon. Not eager to explore we keep going ahead.

26 kms: We keep moving ever so slowly on the road to nowhere. Every 15 minutes or so a truck passes by in the opposite direction, becomes smaller and smaller as it goes farther away, then finally becomes a tiny speck of light on the horizon and then disappears. Trippy stuff!

25 kms: Hurray! No Vodafone coverage. Maybe Dad’s Tata Indicom phone will have full network like the ads promise….Negative…no network again! Damn you Kajol!

23 kms: SBD is almost in tears. He says that the car is jinxed and that it runs huge repair bills every time he makes an outstation trip. (Great timing!). Mom contributes to the jinx conversation, says that the dress she is wearing is the same one she wore when the family (excluding me) missed their flight from Delhi to Mumbai. Bro rubbishes the jinx theory and says that they missed the flight because Dad took a 45 minute halt to have a plate of mix-pakoras. 5 minute argument about the pakoras.

22 kms: SBD says, “Hey look at that! What a huge snake!”. Mom doesn’t quite catch it at firsts and asks if there are snakes on the road. We unanimously deny. (The snake however was REALLY HUGE!)

20 kms: SBD goes into Nat Geo mode, says that ‘the biggest danger on this road are the leopards’ Mom hears him this time. SBD changes and talks about furry little brown rabbits which can also be seen on the same road.

19 kms: I have officially decided to make this into my next humor piece and start paying attention closely. The others think I’m crazy because I’m laughing alone in the backseat. Dad tries to divert mom’s attention and points to the Great Bear constellation in the sky. Mom however is more worried the possibility of real bears on the road.

17 kms: Progress seems smoother now. We reach a Police Naka-Bandi. The cops do not know whether there is a garage in the vicinity but assure us that we will find one at Jawahar….22 kms away! WTF!

16/21kms: Dad , who suggested we take this road in the first place, recounts the days of his youth when he frequently traveled on these roads. Memories of trucks skidding off the ghats, cars breaking down and adivasis attacking and looting motorcyclists are fondly recalled.

15/20 kms: The jungle seems to get denser. Dad talks of a time where he had to spend a night in the jungle with no one by his side but for our dog Rambo. Rambo had to be given up as he attacked my cousin sisters one time too many. Dad and bro sigh in his remembrance. We consider getting a dog again.

14/19 kms : We see 3 villagers dressed in white overalls walking in a straight line going God-knows-where. Just what we needed to complete the horror movie scenario! On a brighter note, Vodafone coverage is back!

13/18 kms : SBD spots another animal. ‘Is that a wolf?’ he asks. With the help of quick word-play, mom is made to believe that it was a dog.

12/17 kms : Another animal spotted, this time by me. I see silhouettes of two men and a horse. As we turn and get a closer look, I realize it is actually a cow.

11/16 kms : We see a signboard which confirms that it is indeed 11 kms to Jawahar and not 16 as it would be according to the cops.

11 kms: About a kilometer later, another signboard says that we are 11 kms away from Jawahar. I suspect that we are driving in circles.

10 kms: Mom is very worried. Bro suggests that she should do some of Baba Ramdev’s KapaalBharti (She took lessons for the same all of last week). Mom however cannot distinguish KapaalBharti from Vividh-Bharti.

9 kms: I receive an SMS from IDEA that sounds more like a threat. ‘Uninterrupted roaming is a good idea. To continue enjoying coverage…switch your network to IDEA NOW!’ I cannot afford to mess with IDEA and promptly search for it on ‘Phone settings’

8 kms: IDEA does not show up as one of my available network options. In fact there are no options. We have no coverage again! YAY!

7 kms: IDEA shows up on list of available networks. I hurriedly select it. 5 minutes pass and IDEA still won’t let me use its network.

6 kms: BPL Mobile shows up as another option. I switch to it. Screw IDEA!

5 kms: Mom wonders who won ‘Star Voice of India: Chotte Ustaad’ – Aishwarya or Anvesha?

4 kms: We see signboards which say Jawahar is farther than we think it is…AGAIN! Who the hell does these measurements anyway? I also need to pee.

2 kms: A new signboards contradicts the previous two. Since it mentions the shortest distance, I stick with it. Bro and sis are hungry. Dad says that the nearest dhaba is at Char Roti Naka. What irony no?

2 kms: We’ve definitely driven more than 2 kms. I’m getting a feeling that the signboard was wrong again.

2 kms: Yup, it was wrong!

1 km: We spot a petrol pump. Woohoo, we can get the car fixed and they’ll probably have a loo as well!

At the petrol pump: They, in fact, have no mechanics on hand. I get down to go to the loo. There isn’t one. The guy at the pump points to the back, which is a wide open ground… Man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do! I hear a dog barking ferociously not so far away. I guess man’s best friend isn’t amused by what a man’s gotta do! The guys at the pump assure us that we will find a mechanic at Jawahar

At Jawahar: We reach the village and ask a few locals where the mechanic lives. They deny the existence of any such creature. We drive ahead and ask other locals the same question. They point to a bunch of garages…all with their shutters down.

We find one with the door slightly open. Thankfully the mechanic is awake and has the parts needed to fix the vehicle. As he starts to hammer away, his neighbour walks out to see what’s causing the commotion.

The neighbour is none other than the driver of the white amby! He apparently lives here. We ask him what happened to his saab. He says his saab is in Mumbai and that the guy who was in the car was a random stranded fellow whom he helped! On a normal day we’d punch the living daylights out of an idiot of his caliber but we make an exception today.

6th April, 2008. 0300 hrs : We arrive home almost 4 hours behind schedule.

7^th April, 2008. 0056 hrs : I have just finished writing the article!